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Moderated by : Eva Rosenberg  mailto:eva@workinghumor.com

Assisted By : Gunjan Saraf   mailto:gunjan@workinghumor.com

12th February  2003    #     Issue 98
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
~ Bertrand Russell


Moderator's Comment -
                                                   ~ Gunjan

The Other Moderator's Comment
                                                    ~ Eva


Appraisals Misused
                               ~ Gunjan

Ideas to ponder over .... and Discuss
                           ~ Gunjan

Insanity in our street
                             ~ Terry Jones

What's your reaction
                          ~ Gunjan

Speaking Tip
                           ~ from Tom Antion



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Moderator's Comments

Dear Laughmates,

Last week I made a quick joke about war and
didn't receive a single post this week. This week I'm
going to push things and stir the proverbial hornet's
nest by including a war related satire. Please bear
with me even if it upsets rather amuses you and
go on to the next post and you'll see why I brought
up the topic. You can then feel free to comment on
both the posts.

Now without ado let's get with I-Laugh 98 and then decide
whether we're going to battle over the issue or manage a
weak smile...

With best wishes,
Many a true word is spoken in Jest
Jest for Pun - pun-subscribe@topica.com
Jest a Quote - quote-subscribe@topica.com
Jest in Literature (A) - lit-subscribe@topica.com


P.P.S - Please invite your friends to subscribe by sending an email to:

Please, send any comments to:

The Other Moderator's Comment

Dear LaughMates,

Sitting in a torrent of rain,
hoping that the flood will really drain.

As the storm cleans away all the stains,
and the rushing sound plays a soothing refrain.

Wondering where the birds spend the day,
when the heavy rain keeps them at bay.

And do you know where the squirrels go to play,
when all the trees' leaves have gone away....?

Just a bit of silly verse as I sit here watching the rain and
listen to the radio playing, 'sitting on the dock of the bay...'

While it's a real relief to get my communications back, it's hard to
get back into the swing of things after staying up and working half
the night. Ironically, I read a fanciful short story this morning (what
else do you do at 4:00 a.m.?) about the bizarre effects of sleep
deprivation, when some mad sweatshop employer's researchers
found a way to keep their employees working nearly 24 hours a
day using intravenous feeding and brain shunts to remove the
endorphins that induce and encourage sleep.... by stealing their
dreams. What a lovely, horrific way to face the day...on three
hours' sleep.

How do you manage your unusual schedules? I know you have them.

And now, I return you to your regular programming.

Your Comic Guide,

Eva Rosenberg
http://taxmama.com   - 4 Secrets to Happy Tax Returns

Online Gambling Tax Mysteries

The first moderator adds -
Reminds me of the Dean's opening speech to
Patch Adam's class. It went like this ...
"No rational patient would put his trust in a human being and
we're not going to let him. Cause our mission here is rigourously
and ruthlessly drain the humanity out of you and make you
something better! We're going to make Doctors out of you!"

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===> Appraisals Misused

Hi Laughmates,

I really enjoyed Sandeep's post on appraisals last week.
It was so amusing coz I had earlier come across this joke
and yet not looked at it from this point of view. However
once I'd seen it in this view it was easy to look one step
beyond and twist it into a Graduation Day speech for a
friend of mine. The Moral of the Story was twisted to how
one tends to see only the negative side of our near and
dear ones.

As an added touch we added a couple of lines about
how PROBABLY while the world was raving about
Einstein's genius, his mother was raving about his
unkempt hair. My friend said he got a wonderful
response and quite a few parents were quite moved
by his speech. He send his thanks and regards to
Sandeep and I-Laugh.

~ Gunjan

Comments  -

===> Ideas to ponder over .... and Discuss

Last week's extract is from a book titled (I wonder
why I always type out tilted when I'm trying to type
titled) 'Marketing Warfare' by Al Ries and Jack Trout.

Going through it again was good fun and brought
back some fun memories on how impressed I'd been
when I first read it. I had loved the chapters on defensive
and offensive marketing, flanking and guerilla warfare.
Another part which I remembered as amazing and have
therefore found for you with just a wee bit of hunting is ...

Offensive Principal No. 2
Find a weakness in the leader's strength and attack at that point.

That's not a misprint. We mean "find a weakness in the leader's
strength," not in the leader's weakness.


But there is another kind of weakness, a weakness that grows
out of strength. As the Avis ads used to say, "Rent from Avis.
The line at our counter is shorter."

If you'd like to pick up a new copy at amazon.com
it's 10.36$ and you click here http://snurl.com/mwnew

Or for a used copy at Abebooks for under a dollar

~ Gunjan

Comments :

(A Satire written by Terry Jones of Monty Python fame
for the Observer )

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq:
he's running out of patience. And so am I!

You see for some time now I've been really pissed-off with Mr. Johnson
who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr. Patel
who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and
I'm sure Mr. Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I
haven't been able to discover what. I've been round his place a few
times while he was away just to see what he's up to, but he's got
everything really well hidden away. That's how devious he is.

As for Mr. Patel don't ask me how I know - I just know - from very
good sources - that he is in reality a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted
the whole street telling them that if we don't act first he'll pick us all
one by one.

Now some of my neighbours say, if I've proof, why don't I go to the
police? But of course that's simply ridiculous. The police will say they
need stupid stuff like evidence or a crime to charge Mr Johnson or Mr
Patel with. They'll come up with endless red-tape and quibbling about
the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike - all the while Mr Johnson
will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me and Mr Patel will
be running around secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one
in the street with a halfway decent range of fully automatic firearms,
I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But up until now that's
been a little difficult.

Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to
do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever
I want!

And let's face it, Mr. Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq
is certainly the only way to bring about international peace and security.
The one certain way to stop Moslem fundamentalist suicide bombers
targeting the US or the UK is to go and bomb a few Moslem countries
that have never threatened us. Exactly. That's why I want to go and blow
up Mr. Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That's
only the way to teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and quiet
and won't go round peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr. Bush makes it quite clear that all he needs, in order to start
bombing Iraq, is to know that Saddam is a really nasty man and that
he has WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION - even if no one
can find them. And I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing
Mr. Johnson's wife and children as Mr. Bush has for bombing Iraq.

Mr. Bush says his long-term aim is to make the world a safer place
by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term
aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How
will Mr. Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every
single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once
he's committed an act of terror. What about all those other would-be
terrorists who are just about to commit the next acts of terror? Those
are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the already
known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated
themselves. So perhaps Mr. Bush will need to wipe out everyone
who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure
he's achieved his objective until every single Moslem fundamentalist
is dead? But then some moderate Moslems might convert to
fundamentalism? Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be
for Mr. Bush to eliminate all Moslems?

This is what I propose in my street. Mr. Johnson and Mr Patel
are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people
in the street who I don't like and who - well quite frankly - look
at me in odd ways. Nowhere and no one will be really safe until
I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going a little too
far, but I tell her that I'm simply using the same logic as the
President of the United States. That shuts her up. If George W.
Bush can publicly state that Saddam Hussein is the most likely
person to supply Al-Qaida with WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION without anyone laughing in his face, then I
can say that Mr Johnson down the road is actually an alien who
has designs on the whole planet. I know it might be hard to believe
when you see him trimming his hedge, but it's just as likely as
Saddam's secularist Islamic regime giving aid to a terrorist group
belonging to a strict fundamentalist sect like the Wahabis or
Salafis (as they prefer to be called).

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough
reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give
the whole street two weeks...no! ten days...to come out in the open
and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hi-jackers, galactic outlaws
and interstellar terrorist master-minds and if they don't hand them
over nicely and say "Thank you" I'm going to bomb the entire street
to kingdom come.

It's as just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and,
unlike what he's intending to do, it'll only destroy one street.

Terry Jones 23/1/2003

Comments  -

===> What's your reaction

Hi Laughmates,

What was your reaction to the above satire ? Could you
read it as a funny piece or did you feel strongly for or
against it?

The reason why I wanted you to go through it and think
about the above questions would be best explained if I
first tell you a about a little incident. Last week we had
an Aero Show here in Bangalore. One my close friends
(let's call him P) is an aeronautics fanatic and has been
waiting and looking forward to the show for months.
He was hoping to get passes from a couple of friends
he knows in the Air Force. P holds some extremely
strong view points about NASA and the American
space program.

Unfortunately, the day P went to collect his passes from
his friends was just after the Columbia Shuttle accident
and therefore the shuttle, NASA and the US space program
were naturally the centre of all discussions. P opinions
on the subjects were very contrary to his Air Force guys
opinions, and he couldn't stop himself from taking off (pardon
the inconsiderate usage) with his opinions. He finally returned
without the passes which "he'd would have done anything for!"

The point I'm trying to make is that each one of us has topics
which are close to our hearts. I noticed this one day - as I was
smiling at someone getting angry at a parody poem on certain
topic and a couple of minutes later, feeling offended myself that
anyone could joke about a certain (different) topic.

Ideally if we can start seeing the lighter side of things which we feel
strongly about if would be great for us (and our blood pressures)
but until we can do that ... if we start recognizing which are
topics that really get us going, then we can make an effort to
try to avoid discussing those topics with our bosses, important
clients, or anyone with whom an unnecessary argument is going
to be to our loss.

(Discussing them with your Laughmates should be safe on
the other hand ! ;-)


Comments  -

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=== > Professional Speaking

(Note from Tom Antion to subscribers of 'Great Speaking')

Dear Colleague,

I realize that many of you speak for a hobby, or have subscribed
to this newsletter because you occasionally speak at
Rotary Clubs, or Toastmaster groups. If that is you, save your
self some time and read no further.

However, for the rest of you...

And by that I mean you professional speakers, and those who
aspire to become a full-time professional speaker. I told you
briefly about Randy Gage's Speakers Institute. It is the most
in-depth, advanced and intense training ever conducted for
speaking professionals.  It's five days, at 15 hours a day, so it
isn't for the meek of heart.

But if you want to know how to get meeting planners to book you,
get represented by bureaus, develop a strong packet and demo
video, sell information products, spin off consulting contracts,
market via the Internet, and become a "brand name" speaker--I
don't know anyone better than Randy to teach you.

This is the last Institute he is ever doing, and I am going to be
there myself.  Can I strongly encourage you to attend if you are
serious about speaking as a business?

Randy has built a multi-million dollar business and he is
offering the most insane guarantee I have ever seen...

Get this:

If you don't see how you can make at least $250,000.00 extra just
from what you learn in the first two days--he will refund your
investment AND pay you $5,000.00 for your trouble!!!  The man is
crazy or he's a genius. I'm betting on the latter.

If you think you're ready for this kind of thermonuclear
training, please click on the link below and read all the details
for yourself. I know you'll thank me if you do.

I hope to see you at the Institute!
-Tom Antion

For details, click here:

You can subscribe FREE to Tom's newsletter 'Great Speaking'
To subscribe why not use our affiliate link (given below) ]


Moderator's Comment - I know that this should be a good
both for Tom to recommend it as well as for Randy to give
that kind of guarantee... but the cartoon image that has been
floating in my head since I saw that mail, has been of a person
sitting in Randy's Institute, with earplugs and muttering to
himself... "Don't pay any attention. If you like it you can't
get the $5000" ;)

Comments or if have you a tip to share -

Click: The Ultimate Guide to Electronic Marketing for
Speakers, Authors, Coaches and Consultants...by Tom Antion

A breakthrough e-book which will show you how to build an
electronic marketing business from "square one" into a
five-figure . . . six figure . . . even a million dollar asset.

Adds Tom Antion "I don't have a tremendous amount of
basic computer knowledge. The technical stuff doesn't even
interest me. . . .
I like to write deposit slips, not programs.
I do know where to "click" to make money and this E-book
was designed to make it easy for you to click in the right place.

Adds Gunjan "Start by Clicking here" :-)

===========  This week's Humor ==============

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician/physicist goes to a bar.
He sits in the second-to-last seat and turns to the last seat, (which
is always empty) and asks a girl (who isn't there) if he can buy her
a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, shrugs but
keeps quiet. However, when Valentine's Day arrives, and the
mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into
empty space, and his curiosity gets the better of the bartender.
He says, "I apologize if this strikes you as a stupid question, but
surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool.
Why do you persist in asking out someone who's not even there?"

The university nerd replies, "Well, according to quantum physics,
empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence
and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function
will implode and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't
you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could
buy HER a drink? Never know... she might say yes."

The nerd laughs. "Yeah, right -- like THAT could happen!"

(From Jo-Lene's Daily Humor)

Comments :

===========  This week's Stress Reliever  ==============

Should have told you about this one last month, but then
it's never too late for a bit of fun, is it?


(Thanks Dianne)

Comments or Submissions of your own favorites:


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