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Moderated by : Eva Rosenberg  mailto:eva@workinghumor.com

Assisted By : Gunjan Saraf   mailto:gunjan@workinghumor.com

27th August  2003    #     Issue 126
When someone tells me there is only one way to do things,
it always lights a fire under my butt. My instant reaction is,
"I'm going to prove you wrong!"
~ Picabo Street


Moderator's Comment -
                                                            ~ Gunjan

The Other Moderator's Comment
                                                            ~ Eva


Primat-ive Stuff!
                                                  ~ Lane

                                          ~ Mari Bontrager
                                          ~ Moderator's Comment
                                          ~ Tom Trottier

Oh No
                                          ~ Chacha Joe

Speaking Tip
                                          ~ from Tom Antion


Don't ya love challenges
                                                   ~ Gunjan



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Moderator's Comments

Dear LaughMates,

Another great week has rushed by, it was a week
in which I heard plenty of whooshing sounds (deadlines
flying by). I loved their sound so much that I followed
them around and was thrilled that I could catch up on
most of them. That felt terrific too. [As a celebration
this week's issue of humorous quotes focused on
deadlines too -
http://exwz.com/quotes/archives/058.shtml ]

Also, I discovered a great new group thanks to Laughmate
Stephanie. She does find some amazing resources, doesn't
she? You will find just a wee bit more of some interesting
happenings in this new group below...  (Only if you stop
blabbering, Gunjan, you ass)

With absolutely no further ado here's I-Laugh #126.

With best wishes
Many a true word is spoken in Jest
Jest for Pun - pun-subscribe@topica.com
Jest a Quote - quote-subscribe@topica.com
Jest in Literature (A) - lit-subscribe@topica.com


P.P.S - Please invite your friends to subscribe by sending an email to:

Please, send any comments to:

The Other Moderator's Comment

Dear LaughMates

Sitting here, in the dark, in Southern Calfornia, I am still
obsessed with our upcoming (perhaps?) recall election for
the governorship of the state. After hundreds of people
signed up to run for governor, (and got some really excellent
publicity for their money...or free...but that's another story)
many legitimate candidates are dropping off, like flies.

It seems that our Republican Party, including prominent
politicians from other states are sticking their noses into our
election and pushing the Terminator on us.

In today's Los Angeles Times, Arnold is quoted as saying,
"I am rich enough that I don't have to take anyone's money,"
he told CNN on Aug. 8. "I can go to Sacramento and I make
decisions that are the wisest decisions for the people and not
what is best for the special interests."

Only, it's odd, but then he turned around and started collecting
money from all the usual suspects, and all the regular lobbyists
that have been controlling the state and keeping it trouble.

One candidate, though, really got my attention. Remember, I
am an accountant by education. So, I've never been able to
understand why a group of politicians, whose job it is to
establish a new budget each year, simply can't ever get it
done on time. (When they don't get the budget done by June
30, the State of California can't send out checks. Think of
payroll, suppliers, elderly, poor people...)

So, along comes Peter Ueberroth, the guy who made the
1984 Los Angeles Olympics profitable. He says that we
need to put a complete ban on fund-raising and lobbying
during the process of getting the budget done.
What a great concept!

"To eliminate what he termed "distractions," Ueberroth said he
would also ask legislators to suspend their own campaign
fund-raising until the budget crisis is resolved. That would
be followed by a proposed three-year legal ban on
fund-raising during the Legislature's annual budget debates.

The reason:
Lobbyists with open checkbooks tend to skew the process."

What's a guy with common sense and class doing in this race?

Here's the first person who actually has a clue, and he's not
getting big attention. All the press is focused on the actor,
the guy with muscle - and I mean political. He's buddies with
George Bush, married to the Kennedy clan, and has been
groomed by the best and brightest the political machine has to
offer. Yet, he not only gets into candidate bashing, he even
has to insult their appearance.

Then, we have this nice, quiet gentleman, who is skilled in
international diplomacy (remember the Olympics), understands
security issues (his was the first Olympics I could remember
since Munich where there were no terrorist/violent incidents),
as American as Apple Pie (baseball commissioner), and a
great business manager (cleaned up Los Angeles after the
Rodney King riots). And no one's really paying attention
because he's just not playing the big political game.

How much do you want to bet that the California voters aren't
smart enough to notice?

Anyway, you're going to love what Gunjan has for you
today. You simply MUST read the Mars challenge.
All of it!

Your Comic Guide

Eva Rosenberg
You are invited to subscribe to these useful publications - FREE!
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NEW! Start 10 Businesses Online Without Spending a Dime

Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult. His jabs
at hypocrisy, pretense, and boring conventionality still have
a penetrating power. His snubs and put-downs became the
talk of his time, no less by his targets than by Oscar Wilde
himself. This collection features over 750 biting comments...



=== > Primat-ive Stuff !

Hi Laughmates,

Just for fun, I noticed reading a catholic release (?) that
PRIMATE was used to describe some people.

Main Entry: pri·mate
Pronunciation: 'prI-"mAt or esp for 1 -m&t
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English primat, from Old French, from
Medieval Latin primat-, primas archbishop, from Latin, leader,
from primus
Date: 13th century
1 : often capitalized : a bishop who has precedence in a
province, group of provinces, or a nation
2 : archaic : one first in authority or rank : LEADER
3 : [New Latin Primates, from Latin, plural of primat-, primas] :
any of an order (Primates) of mammals comprising humans,
apes, monkeys, and related forms (as lemurs and tarsiers)

~ Lane

Comments -

===> Eco Bull?

Hi Friends,

 >Is nature less important than mankind ?

Now, *that* is funny! I understand Mankind "thinks" he is
separate and above Nature (and more important!)- this
stemming from that good ol' boy, patriarchal version of a
Deity who supposedly gave Man dominion "over" Nature.
I would wager that the majority of Womankind have no
difficulty understanding their connection with Nature. It is
an unavoidable understanding at every stage of life.

Seriously yours,
Mari :)


Just About a Kitchen 'Zine
May the gold in your pocket be the least of your treasures!

Moderator's Comment - Oops ! Is mankind a sexist term?
I thought it was a short form for Humankind ! ;-)

More seriously, looking at Macro levels I'm sure Womankind
has no problem understanding, but would their thoughts tally
at Micro Levels? If there was a bee hive on the tree just
outside Baby's bedroom window would Womankind have
an equally tolerant view towards nature. ;-)

~ Gunjan

Comments  -

===> Eco Bull?


You should read the book, "Why things bite back" by
Edward Tenner.

DDT is not a magic bullet. Not only might it be a carcinogen,
but by wiping out insect-eating birds, it would have the opposite
effect to what was intended. Insects are also developing resistance.

The book states that losses of food to insects is remaining about
constant, because our new weapons run into growing immunities.


Comments  -

===> Oh No ...


 > It was the grammar that was making him wince

Iff wier torking about spehling I down no wot all thee
fuss iz about. Arfter awl thair iz no way that anywun
nose bettur than anywun elss. Woz it that Jorge Bernud
Shore hoo sed punktoo..   punctwoasian iz a pane in the
windoe of langwage.

Well ime just of too the soupermarket for, er... a tin of soup.

Chacha Joe
For a site of laughs and a FREE ezine:
For cricket lovers everywhere:
Batty Balls and other Wicket Wit

Comments  -

===> Speaking Tip


If you refer to a word or phrase you mentioned earlier in
your presentation, that's a callback. It works well if the
previous piece of material got a good laugh or if it was a
groaner. If the previous material was good, mentioning it
again will get more laughter and will make you look polished
for being able to tie the previous material to the present material.
If the previous material was poor, the callback will show your
willingness to tease yourself, which is an admirable quality the
audience appreciates.

Here's how it works: Let's say you used a successful two-liner
in your presentation Don't rely on health books too much.
You could die of a misprint. Later in your presentation
someone might notice a misspelling in one of your handouts
or visuals. You could then call back and say, See, that's one
of those misprints I was telling you about earlier. Another thing
that might happen, that is just as good, is that one or more of
the audience members might make the connection and do the
callback for you. One of them may blurt out something about
your health book line. That's great if they do. You are getting
them involved and allowing them to feel superior to you, which
makes them the stars. You could then comeback with, See,
I put that there to test you. When you really get confident, you
might actually make the misprint on purpose to set up this
whole scenario.

~ from Tom Antion's ebook - Wake 'em Up
Get your copy at http://snurl.com/wakeup]

Tom Antion has a great newsletter called 'Great Speaking'
To subscribe why not use our affiliate link (given below) ]


Comments or if have you a tip to share -

=========== NEW DISCUSSIONS ===========

===> Don't ya love challenges...

Hi Laughmates,

As I told you above, I've just joined a new group for
Humor Writers called Laugh Lovers.

Among the first posts I recd was the following one from Mike.

Mike on your screen, and feelin' mean!

I came to joke, provoke, and yank yo yoke!

But first, I have the contest results you have been waiting
for with putrid breath. Here is the winner, and here are the
top 10 entries in the $500-prize contest, in which you all
(except one of you  - probably YOU)  sent in your "Wow!
Next Wednesday, Mars is coming the closest it has been to
Earth since cars cost a dime!" jokes.  I was the judge, and I
accept your thanks with high-classed grace and incomparable

The top 10 (and remember, Dear Readers, only # 1 gets the
$500 prize) are:

10.      The big loser, among the winners was Reefer Brr,
who submitted:

"Boy! Mars is going to be close! NASA scientists, hoping there
are little green men to communicate with, are investing in some

Reefer, humor was to be part of the deal. You were thinking of
your other group, those sewing people.

9. Normal Goldratt composed:

"Wow! The red planet will be nearby! I hear the government
plans have our flag planted on it by a javelin thrower!"

Norm, I know there is a sense of humor in your family.
They let you live.

8. Crammer wrote:

"I don't know how close Mars will come, but I have heard
that The 'Earth First' people have changed their name to
'The Twin Planets Rule!'"

Crammer, you have your own sense of humor.  Did you ever
consider a career in undertaking?

7. Jerry Shucks created:

"Most people will not be affected by the gravity of Mars,
but Tiger Woods is already saying it has thrown his game off."

Jerry, if you ever see "LOL," it probably stands for
"Little Old Lady."

6. Brane Marie Cleavage offered:

"Mars will be so proximate that the Martians can personally
hand in their California absentee ballots early this time."

Brane Marie, I quit reading when I got to the first big word.
I bought you that board game called "Clue," after asking
around to see what you don't have..

5. Baby Ruth proffered:

"Mars is going to be so close that scientists are expecting Earth
to have a new little moon in about 9 months."

Ruth, take a cold shower, but don't take any time off of your
precious day job to do it.

4. Crocodile Murrie sent up:

"I don't know how close the Little Green Men will be; all I
know is that there is a strict ban all week against flying kites
that have military secrets on them."

Croc, the United States humor is kind of coherence-oriented,
if you know what I mean. Our humor has underpinnings of

3. Stepfunny Woody-Allen's work product was:

"We are going to be so close to Mars that NASA is going
to have to turn the Hubble telescope around to look at it!"

Stepfunny, I got a laugh out of that.  It was tripe, but your
nerve in sending it in cracked me up. Why don't you work
some more with your comedy coach, Laura Bush?

2.  Bob-Cat Killaman's best joke of his life was:

"Mars will be so close that the moon won't know which
planet to orbit."

Bob, I enjoyed the simplicity. I think you have "simple" down..

And the winner of the 500 dollars for best "Is That Mars Or
Is The Sky Just Red?" joke is - - - -

ME!  Little old ME!

I be-geniused the hilarious, but profound and life affirming:

'Mars is going to cast such a dark shadow on Earth that
lightening bugs are planning a food-chain coup"

WOW! I'm  humbled. I'm honored. I'm rich!
Criminy!  The judge and the winner are the same person!
What are the odds?! It's an X-file!

I'd like to thank me and all the little people who make me big
by comparison. I know my proud dad is looking down - - oh,
he's not dead yet, his bent back just has him looking down.

No. I kid you. I rib you. I yank your collective gam, Precious
Perusers. I wrote those atrocious Mars jokes, and I made up
those abominable contestants. They are all fictional and no real
person was viciously smeared in this all-in-fun exercise.. There
never was a contest. I simply thought I'd make utter fools out
of everyone just for a diabolical laugh at your expense. Cruel
glee is sometimes better than coffee to get one started on a
Monday morning.

My only regret is that I wrote all the possible "Hey Louie,
either Mars is at the door or your fat brother got a red suit!"
jokes, and I left y'all no way to play. I used up all the concepts,
and you would have to be some kind of comedy-writing genius
to turnip-bleed another joke out of that drained theme. I wish
y'all could play it like a game, but you're only human and you can't
make up a joke when the premise has been desiccated. Sorry.

Hey!  But think of the legend you'd create if somehow you
came up with one!  If you do, send it in. " Mars will be so
close that . . . ." Go on. You can think of . . . .naaaaaaaaa.


If Mike had just asked the list to send in their favorite
"Mars will be so close that" jokes, wouldn't it have been
easier to ignore ? Right now, in your head, aren't you
already working on a new angle not covered by Mike ?

~ Gunjan

Comments  -

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electronic marketing business from "square one" into a
five-figure . . . six figure . . . even a million dollar asset.

Adds Tom Antion "I don't have a tremendous amount of
basic computer knowledge. The technical stuff doesn't even
interest me. . . .
I like to write deposit slips, not programs.
I do know where to "click" to make money and this E-book
was designed to make it easy for you to click in the right place.

Adds Gunjan "Start by Clicking here" :-)

===========  This week's Humor ==============

Shift Key FAQ

Unleash the Power of Shift!

Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You
should not use this feature, however, because these letters
are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which
would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing
something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining
the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only
$139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say
I didn't warn you.

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean
the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys
are just little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up",
as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to
learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type
capital letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual
advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated
use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant
to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing
punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower
case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".

A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your
keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more
reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping
each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next,
immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly
with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel
wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to
touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer
for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen
when you are finished.

Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there
are two keys labelled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard,
and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may
be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O .
Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a
friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin'
words 'n stuff on it.

Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want
big letters. Is there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be
able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your
voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped
with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift"
very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the
keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note
that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train"
the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works

Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating
between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so
that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be
equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make
little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift.
Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up
with a broken shift key.

Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the
moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon,
your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other
keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your
keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a
distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same

Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times,
will my computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC
laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly
ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just
type softly. Move along, next question.

Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to
work. What's wrong?

A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be
your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God
Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send
you a Message that you have strayed from the path of
righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your
life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting, consult
the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with any
unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.

[Alan Meiss]

(From Dr Stan Kegel's Groaner's Digest

Comments :

===========  This week's Stress Reliever? ==============

You're gonna LOVE this!
The Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide
to Making a Baloney sandwich


(Thanks Dianne)

Comments or Submissions of your own favorites:


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Eva Rosenberg mailto:eva@workinghumor.com

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