Your Working Humor Discussion List
I-Laugh - Your 'Working' Humor Discussion List
Moderated by : Eva Rosenberg mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org
Assisted By : Gunjan Saraf mailto:email@example.com
17th September 2003 # Issue 129
Did you know...
It takes fifteen months of instruction at the Pentagon's School
of Music to turn out a bandleader but merely thirteen months
to train a jet pilot.
IN THIS DIGEST :
Moderator's Comment -
The Other Moderator's Comment
More Batty Stuff
~ Uncle Joe
~ Guess Who
~ from Tom Antion
Do Politicians have Better Memories ?
A Serious Scientific Study Result
THIS WEEK'S HUMOR
THIS WEEK'S STRESS RELIEVER
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What do the stars stand for in our title ?
If you're thinking in llama terms you're in
for disappointment ! So what do they stand
for ? Sh ! No hints, please !!
With no further ado here's I-Laugh #129.
With best wishes
Many a true word is spoken in Jest
Jest for Pun - firstname.lastname@example.org
Jest a Quote - email@example.com
Jest in Literature (A) - firstname.lastname@example.org
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The Other Moderator's Comment
Pardon my absence. (Or is that the same as Gunjan's
"Pardon the Bu** Shit?")
It's been an exciting few weeks, trying to beat a tax filing
deadline and get all the corporate returns done on time.
We managed to track all but one person. Turns out, he hasn't
even contacted us since March...then disappeared off the
face of the earth. Another person who I knew was sooooo
deeply depressed that she would not even come up for air,
surfaced at nearly the last minute and inspired herself to
not only finish her 2002 recordkeeping, but start bringing
2003 up to date. WOW!
One guy, astonishingly, never showed up to get his returns.
(He calls regularly to say he's coming. We take bets on
whether he'll come at all, or which day he'll come on rather
than the one he promised.)
Then, after everything was all done, all the other returns
were in the hands of people, late in the afternoon of the
day all the returns needed to be postmarked, while I am
deeply engrossed in re-writing an article for only the
second time (today, will be the third), a client shows up -
with his corporate data, and an engaging, charming grin.
(I was expecting that guy we bet on...) Seeing him at the
door, haloed by sunshine, with that manila envelope, I
just started laughing. Don't know what set me off. "Larry,
uh, you're not really expecting me to drop what I'm doing
and prepare that return today, are you?"
He smiled, all pleased with himself. Paused....
After chatting a while, and learning that he'd also moved
(we didn't know about that), we both agreed that I'd do it
As he turned to leave, after the hug, Larry said, "Great,
so, I'll be by tomorrow to pick it up."
They say he'll heal. In time.
Your Comic Guide
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=== > Ecobull
It has occurred to me (several times) that there is no
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Perhaps there is another subject upon which we can
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May the gold in your pocket be the least of your treasures!
=== > More Batty Stuff !
Funny you should mention toilets on the cover,
as it happens...
now there's a strange saying, where does it come
from and why is it used in these contexts?...
where was I? Oh yes. I am -- having been working
for months on a big book of my poetry -- now turning
to plan B. This is producing lots of little books and I am
calling them 'Dollar Poet'; with the inspiring sub-titles
Book 1 One, Book 2 Two, and so on.
It just so happens one sub-sub-title is 'Don't Put Your
Hand Down the Toilet' and carries a picture of ... you
guessed: a toilet. So hopefully that will get loads of buyers
who respond to pictures of toilets.
For 'Batty Balls' I had been going to suggest that we do
as the English Women's Institute and strip off for a calendar
('Cricket Wit' perhaps), but I couldn't think who would play
our parts in the subsequent film. ...Did I phrase that right?
It might also be that the whole thing would be a greater
exercise in gravity than in dignity.
As regards Gel in the hair you may be in a party of one for that.
And it is a little late for our summer's Test Matches, as the series
against South Africa has just ended with England winning
(imagine that! England winning!) to square the series two-all.
On the other hand, of course, there may be readers of I-Laugh.
Er, no, that didn't come out quite right. ...readers who might
have some really good ideas for selling wickedly funny material
to a receptive public. Gunjan, I am sure, like me, you wait with
And, no, I'm not getting caught up in the discussion about Adam
and Eve. That's definite; final. Certain sure.
For a site of laughs and a FREE ezine:
For cricket lovers everywhere:
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Moderator's Comment - Book 3.1, Book 95, Book 98,
Book 2000, etc would be more in terms with the
modern money maker's numeric system ! ;)
So you thought all Laughmates gave the 'Mars is so close'
challenge a skip ?
Not really ... there was one pair who was working hard
towards a combined effort. Sure it took them just so much
time, that Mars managed to get out of earshot and won't
have to suffer it ... which leaves you as the only listener.
The first part of the pair suggested that there should be a
good 'redneck' joke in there. The second part of the pair
couldn't think of a single 'redneck' joke, so kept his
The first part of the pair then felt that the second part not
being American may not be familiar with the term 'redneck'
and thus she apologised to the second part of the pair.
The second part responded that he had indeed come across
redneck jokes but only in the written world and not yet in
person. He did hope that he would someday have the
opportunity to meet one face to face.
The first part of the pair then suggested to the second part
that listening to Jeff Foxworthy might give him an
education in redneckness ! So the second part of the
pair promptly got himself a tape and went through about
a thousand ... "If [blah, blah, blah], you might be a redneck!"
Now we were on the right track ... All you had to do was
put "Mars will be so close that" and "If [blah, blah,
you might be a redneck!" together and find a decent substitute
for the blah, blah. blah ... and we'd have a joke on our hands.
Hee Haw !
After much tale twisting, word shearing, name dropping, we
arrived at ...
While Mars is so close, if you are out at night trying to get
a Mars-tan, don't bother, you must be a redneck already !
3 weeks + the cost of the tape spent on the joke. We
couldn't NOT share it with you just because it's a little late,
could we ?
Mari Bontrager and Gunjan Saraf
Remember our discussion a couple of months back on
Satire, Irony, Sarcasm etc !
Well ! Here it is ... the secret ... why Satire Works !
Satire is a sort of glass wherein beholders do generally
discover everybody's face but their own, which is the
chief reason so few are offended by it.
(Jonathan Swift in the preface to The Battle of the Books)
[I found it at
which has an essay on the satires of Swift and John Gay
in case you're interested]
===> Speaking Tip
Here are some exit lines you may wish to use:
P.T. Barnum would have trouble getting people to
his museum so he put up a sign that said, "This way to the
When people went through the door, they found themselves on
the street. I don't want to find myself there, so I'll finish up now . . .
You've heard that "All's well that ends
well." Well in my case
it's All's well that ends. Goodnight.
When all is said and done, there is usually more
said than done.
I think I've said enough. Good Luck.
When a speaker says, "Well, to make a long
story short," it's
usually too late. I don't want you to feel that way about me. Thanks
for having me.
If you have a Question and Answer period:
Now let's open it up for questions. Ask me
anything. If I know
the answer, I'll give it to you. If I don't, I'll make something up.
Complimentary and funny:
Secretaries are the backbone of an organization.
the structure that holds everything together [start to get emotional
and cry. Take out a handkerchief and hidden noisemaker. Blow
your nose really loudly]. I'm sorry. I get so emotional. You're the
greatest. Good bye.
Paraphrase a quotation:
The next time you're feeling down, and you look in
and see a few extra wrinkles, just remember what my old buddy
Mark Twain used to say. "Those wrinkles are where smiles have
been all these years." I'm Tom Antion. I love you.
Now I'm going to say something in the public
George Eliot said, "Blessed is the man [I
would substitute the
word person for the word man to avoid sexist language], who
having nothing to say refrains from giving us wordy evidence
of the fact."
An old-timer is one who can remember when time was
on instead of running out. My time is running out, so in conclusion . . .
My great, great granddaddy always told me,
"When you're holding
a conversation, be sure to let go of it once in awhile." I'm letting
ours right now. Are there any questions?
My talks usually have a happy ending. That's
because everyone is
glad they are over.
~ from Tom Antion's ebook - Wake 'em Up
Get your copy at http://snurl.com/wakeup]
Tom Antion has a great newsletter called 'Great Speaking'
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Comments or if have you a tip to share -
Oscar Wilde was the master of the studied insult. His jabs
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=========== NEW DISCUSSIONS ===========
===> Do Politicians have better memories?
Prez Bush is reminding us in speeches this week of the
9-11 attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.
Remember that? It had totally slipped my mind.
Bush had distracted me with his big Iraq attack.
Saddam Hussein and his evil sons pocketed all of his
people's money and egotistically spent it on private palaces
and personal statues. Meanwhile Osama Bin Laden and a
band of motley Muslims struck the core of America, killing
thousands and striking fear into the hearts of a once-confident
nation. So Bush launched a colossal War on Egotism.
Prez Bush is asking for billions and billions of dollars for his war.
Wouldn't an impeachment be cheaper? No Bush, no war. Nobody
outside his family wanted it. War on Iraq is to Old George Bush and
Son what the Indy 500 is to Old Mario Andretti and Son.
So, Mr. Prez. Don't worry about Us, the People, remembering the
horrors of 9-11. It is a permanent scar on our hearts. We are not
the ones whose daddy told us that the answer to every problem is
to kill more Iraqis.
(Extracts of a post by Dr. Michael Bass, in Laugh Lovers
Reprinted with permission)
=> Serious Scientific Study Results
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt
tihng is tahtthe frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.The rset can
be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.Tihs is
bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
butthe wrod as a wlohe.
Fcuknig amzanig huh
Moderators Comment - It IS amazing, isn't it?
Pardon the expletive, if you could read it ... but then
how could I dare to edit/alter/tamper a scientific report ! ;)
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=========== This week's Humor ==============
Would you let this guy run your company ?
Check out his resume ...
I ran for congress and lost.
I produced a Hollywood "slasher" B movie.
I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas;
company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
I changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and
made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
I replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden
city in America.
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune
of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for most executions by any Governor in
I became president after losing the popular vote by over
500,000 votes, with the help of my father's appointments
to the Supreme Court.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I attacked and took over two countries.
I spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
I shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
I set economic record for most private bankruptcies
filed in any 12 month period.
I set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of
the stock market.
I am the first president in decades to execute a federal
I am the first president in US history to enter office with
a criminal record.
In my first year in office, I set the all-time record for most
days on vacation by any president in US history.
After taking the entire month of August off for vacation,
I presided over the worst security failure in US history.
I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips of
any president in US history.
In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans
lost their jobs.
I cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans
than any president in US history.
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a
I appointed more convicted criminals to administration
positions than any president in US history.
I set the record for the least amount of press conferences
than any president since the advent of television.
I signed more laws and executive orders amending the
Constitution than any president in US history.
I presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and
refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
I presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and
refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
I cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously
take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the
record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.
Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US
history. (The 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a
Chevron oil tanker named after her).
I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any
market in any country in the history of the world.
I am the first president in US history to order a US attack and
military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against
the will of the United Nations and the world community.
I created the largest government department bureaucracy in the
history of the United States.
I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending
increases, more than any president in US history.
I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations
remove the US from the human rights commission.
I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations
remove the US from the elections monitoring board.
I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount
of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in
I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
I withdrew from the International Criminal Court.
I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war
and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations
election inspectors (during the 2002 US elections).
I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most
corporate campaign donations.
My biggest lifetime campaign contributor, who is also one
of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate
bankruptcy frauds in world history
(Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any
president in US history.
I am the first president to run and hide when the US came
under attack (and then lied, saying the enemy had the code
to Air Force 1).
I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow
I took the biggest world sympathy for the US after 9/11, and
in less than a year made the US the most resented country in
the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and
I, with a policy of 'disengagement,' created the most hostile
Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the
people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest
threat to world peace and stability.
I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
I set all-time record for number of administration appointees who
violated US law by not selling huge investments in corporations
bidding for government contracts.
I failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'.
I failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders
of our country at the United States Capitol building. After 18 months
I have no leads and zero suspects.
In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I successfully prevented
any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history
of the United States.
I removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any
other president in US history.
In a little over two years I created the most divided country in decades,
possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the civil war.
I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less
than two years turned every single economic category heading
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine
(Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
I was AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military
during a time of war.
I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited
away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for
All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or
bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for
All minutes of meetings for any public corporation for which I
served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for
Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended
regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and
unavailable for public review.
For personal references please speak to my father or James
Baker. (They can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle
Group for war profiteering.)
=========== This week's Stress Reliever? ==============
(Old one, but fun if you haven't come across it)
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