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I-Laugh - Your 'Working' Humor Discussion List
---------------------------------------------

Moderated by : Eva Rosenberg  mailto:eva@workinghumor.com

Assisted By : Gunjan Saraf   mailto:gunjan@workinghumor.com

http://workinghumor.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19th April 2004    #     Issue 156
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is it. I've reached the pinnacle of laziness and gluttony...
How depressing. There's no place to go after you've reached the top.
~ Garfield (The Cat ... created by Jim Davis)

More Garfield quotes at :
http://www.workinghumor.com/quotes/garfield.shtml
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IN THIS DIGEST   :

Moderator's Comment
                                              ~ Gunjan

The Other Moderator's Comment
                             ~ Eva

_______________________

CONTINUING DISCUSSIONS

Speaking Tips
                               ~ Dr Mike

Speaking Tip
                                 ~ from Tom Antion

NEW DISCUSSIONS
How Low can you get ?
                                    ~ Joe Miller

TWISTED LESSONS

THIS WEEK'S HUMOR

THIS WEEK'S STRESS RELIEVER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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----------
Moderator's Comment
----------

Dear LaughMates,

While doing research for my 'Guide to
Humorous Poetry' Newsletter
(To Subscribe send a blank email to -
10658-subscribe@zinester.com) a couple
of weeks back, I found the root of my writing troubles...

Bricks and Straw

  My desk is cleared of the litter of ages;
  Before me glitter the fair white pages;
  My fountain pen is clean and filled,
  And the noise of the office has long been stilled.
  Roget's Thesaurus is at my hand,
  And I'm ready to do some work that's grand,
  Dignified, eminent, great, momentous,
  Memorable, worthy of note, portentous,
  Beautiful, paramount, vital, prime,
  Stirring, eventful, august, sublime.
  For this is the way, I have read and heard,
  That authors look for the fitting word.
  All of the proud ingredients mine
  To build, like Marlowe, the mighty line.
  But never a line from my new-filled pen
  That couldn't be done by a child of ten.
  Oh, how did Shelley and how did Keats
  Weave magic words on the fair white sheets
  Under conditions that, were they mine,
  I couldn't bear? And I'd just resign.
  Yet Milton wrote passable literature
  Under conditions I couldn't endure.
  Coleridge and Chatterton did their stuff
  Over a road that I'd christen rough.
  Wordsworth and -- soft! -- could it be that they
  Waited until they had something to say?

~ Franklin Pierce Adams (1881-1960)

;)

With best wishes
Gunjan
Many a true word is spoken in Jest
--------------------------------------
Jest for Pun - pun-subscribe@topica.com
Jest a Quote - quote-subscribe@topica.com
Jest in Literature (A) - lit-subscribe@topica.com

P

P.P.S - Please invite your friends to subscribe by sending an email to:
64841-subscribe@zinester.com


Please, send any comments to:
mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=Comments

----------
The Other Moderator's Comment
----------

Dear LaughMates,

Oh, life is dear. And so ironic. And responsible reporters really
shouldn't play with that kind of humor.

This past week, I've been chatting with a journalist who was
working on a story about the obesity lawsuits filed against
McDonalds. His focus is on freedom of choice vs pressuring
the fast-food giant to cut some of their fattier options - and
personal responsibility.

One of the ideas he really wanted to press was that some
people who eat the way they do, do it by choice, and accept
responsibility for their heart attacks - rather than passing the
blame on to the food purveyors.

Just before his article was finished, still in time to add this
juicy tidbit of news, the 55 year old CEO of McDonalds died
unexpectedly, of a heart attack.

You know me, I just had to ask the journalist - so, are you
going to include that in your article - asking the question on
everyone's mind, "Did he eat at McDonalds?"

  Darn. It's not in the article.  Oh well, that's why he wins
prestigious journalistic awards.

And speaking of silly...I just turned down an ad agency's
offer to be a spokesperson for a check-cashing service.
No doubt, the money would have been good. But, could you
just see me, the crusader against financial rip-offs, endorsing
something like that? Hey, buddy - go open a bank account
and save yourself a fortune in these bogus fees.

Oh well, who knows, if they can write copy such that it
spells out that the service is for people who can't or won't
open a bank account, and they can prove to me that their
fees are lower than everyone else in the marketplace, I
might reconsider. But, I don't have time to do the research.
Got work to do.

And speaking of money, have you tried to send a wire
transfer lately? Even when you have a great relationship
with your banker, they won't accept faxed authorizations
these days. So I have to leave the house. (An unusual
event these days. My nest is so self-contained.)

But it is so cool - I can run down to my local supermarket
and send out the wire, make deposits, cash checks - feeling
safe, with the eyes of the nice security guard watching out
for me.  (Uh, when he's not busy chatting me up, or others
in the line. Do you think he would notice if someone quietly
held up a teller, with a note?)

Sillier still, last week was the week of dads and sons. Seems
everyone sent their men and boys to pick up their tax returns.
One of the cute kids was compelled to play with everything
within reach. I didn't pay too much attention, just deftly lifting
things out of his way, while chatting (flirting?) with dad.
But one little boy managed to play with the little plastic
timer, I had finally bought a few weeks ago, for about 2 bucks.
Naturally, after discovering the buzzer,  he wound it up, and
wound it and wound it and wound it - until it broke.

No big deal. His parents pay me a fortune, so what's a
couple of bucks? Well, the next few days, I realized just how
much I relied on that little timer to rouse me from my
writing stupor, when the wash was done and needed to be
hung; or when it was time to stop and prepare for a phone
appointment; or it was time to run specific errands, or...

Let me tell you, friends, twisting that little analog dial is much
easier than constantly programming a digital alarm clock,
often with the tiny, little, recessed buttons that break your
nails, or your pencil points, or when they stick out a bit,
leave long-term indentations on your thumb or index finger
and leave your eyes all crossed trying to see the little numbers.

OK, ok, you're right. I'm going to get my eyes examined.
Well...maybe next month.


Your Comic Guide,

Eva Rosenberg
TaxMama.com

P.S. AffiliateForce2004 has been re-scheduled to August 19th
to accommodate all the people on the cruise. So join us.
http://iafma.org/members/?aid=1082
And I'll be practicing Dr. Mike's speaking tips, below.

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Henri de la Barbe (Henry Beard) ?

Check out ... French for Cats
http://snipurl.com/catfrench
------------------------------------------------------------

=====  CONTINUING DISCUSSIONS ========

===> Speaking Tips

Dear Laughmates,

I'm sure quite a few of you know what a wonderful
resource person our Laughmate Stephanie Allen West
(http://www.allen-nichols.com) is. She posted some
great speaking tips to the Laugh Lover's list which
motivated Dr. Mike into this post which I share with you
(yes they're for your eyes only) with his permission ...

Yukaholics!

It's Mike again, on one of my trips,
Responding to Stephanie's speaking tips!

==========

Thanks for the e-zine with speaking tips, Steph.  In my
speaking efforts, I have not been asked to return.  I'll use
the tips you sent us, instead of the 12 that I formulated, myself.

My 12 don't seem enough for me. They may work better for
someone who lectures on something besides my 2 topics:
"Learning To Love Your Stinky Feet Like Twins," and
"If You Absolutely HAVE To Shoplift, Do It Right."


Y'all try these:

12 TIPS TO MAKE YOU AN EFFECTIVE SPEAKER
("The Spellbinder's Dozen")

Give the introducer the fanciest, multi-gesture, hip Black handshake
he's ever experienced. The audience will eat it up.
- - - - -

Be hip.  Call everyone "Dude."  Even the ladies.
- - - - -

Ask the races or religions you don't like to leave the room.
You don't need distractions.
- - - - -

Be sure and call the audience "Ladies and Germs."
- - - - -

Mention any good looking thing you see in the audience, such as
nice hats, shoes, legs, breasts, hair pieces, nose jobs, etc.
That fools the audience into thinking you care about them.
- - - - - -

Make up your speech as you go along.  People hate robots.
If you can't think of anything to say, you can fill the time with
bird calls, showing your surgical scars, or passing along a joke
you heard at the pool hall.
- - - - - -

If you tell a joke and the audience does not laugh hard, you should
audibly mumble "Pearls before swine."
- - - - -

Speak for at least 3 hours.  The audience deserves nothing less.
They did not come to see a speaker watch the clock.
- - - - -

If someone starts to doze off, simply send a couple of goons over
to rough him up a little. (No need to hurt a woman on the first offense.
Just have your goons assure her that they know where she lives and
how to get to her children).
- - - - -

Be sure to thank the audience for coming, and ask them for $5 dollars
each to supplement your paltry stipend. This will make you a happier
and therefore a better speaker. Your goons can facilitate this.
Real goons know how to collect money.
- - - - -

Loudly belt out "The Star Spangled Banner" at the end of your speech.
This connects whatever you talked about with patriotism.
- - - - - -

You may feel the need to moon the audience.  Just remember that it is
disrespectful to moon during the National Anthem.
  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


If this advice does not make you a renowned and beloved speaker
all over the world, then you no doubt have a constellation of
monstrous deficiencies and unspeakable deformities, and you
should see your doctor for a diagnosis and genetic counseling.


Some of you creative types have your own list.   Right?

Mike

Hope you enjoyed his advice as much as I did and will put
it in practice ASAP.

Best Wishes,

~ Gunjan

Comments -
mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=speakingtips

===> Speaking Tip

RECORD THEIR BLURBS by Tom Antion

One of the smartest things you can do is to be ready to write
down or audio tape things the audience yells out to you when you
are having fun with them. These lines can be used by you in
future speeches.

One of my stories is about a riches to rags story that I lived. I
build up the story of how I lost a whole bunch of money in a
failed business and then I injured my leg and was bedridden, and
then my girlfriend left me and I finish that part of the story
saying, "and my dog got run over." One time when I told the story
someone yelled out from the crowd something about the dog went on
to write a country music song which obviously referred to all the
doom and gloom I was suffering. This got a BIG laugh.

In future speeches, to relieve the tension of people thinking
that the dog got killed, I used the line, "Don't worry he's OK
and went on to write a country music hit" which always gets a
good laugh.

Always be ready for this when you have a really fun loving crowd.
One way to be sure that you remember the line after the speech is
over is to stop right then and jot the note down while saying
something to the person yelling out the line, "Would you repeat
that because it's funnier than my line / story etc." which will
get a laugh and make the audience member the star.

This is really a win win because you really do need to write
things down when they are fresh because you are likely to forget
them after the speech (especially if you are not audio taping)
and also because you get an interaction with the audience and
another laugh line out of the situation.

[from Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking' newsletter.
To subscribe why not use our affiliate link (given below) ]

http://www.listpartners.com/cgi-local/subscribe?2606

Comments or if have you a tip to share -
mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=speakertips

------------------------------------------------------------
Click: The Ultimate Guide to Electronic Marketing for
Speakers, Authors, Coaches and Consultants...by Tom Antion

http://snurl.com/click
------------------------------------------------------------

========= NEW DISCUSSIONS =============

===> How Low can you get ?

Hi Laughmates,

Another interesting post at the Laugh Lover's group. A
particular member was feeling low and chose the Laugh
Lover's group to vent his feelings. He stated - "Every time
I think I hit bottom, I seem to find a way to hit a new low,
a new low that's even lower than the low that I was on.
Nowhere to go, but down."

I know the feeling he was describing. That's why I really
enjoyed Joe Miller's post in reply...


Kramer,

Go ahead and vent... the pain is good for us all. And don't worry
about your use of "French", Mike uses it all the time.  Or is it
rhyme he uses? And "tongues"... what the heck, he speaks with
God!!

And, just how low are you anyway?  If you have "nowhere to go, but
down", then you can't be too low after all.  What would be low would
be if you had to step up just to get to the gutter. You would feel
low if you were at the movies, talking to the screen, and found that
folks were pointing at you. Low is when a nymphomaniac comes up to
you and says,"Sorry, I thought you were somebody else."

So cheer up, Kramer, everything is not lost!
Just be extra careful in your habits...
All it takes is a moment of weakness with just ONE sheep...
and THEN you'll know what low is.

~ Joe

I'm thinking of framing it and safekeeping it, for my next
gloomy day !

~ Gunjan

Comments -
mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=low

===========  Twisted Lessons  ==============
[ W h a t   I   L e a r n e d   d u r i n g   t h i s   w e e k ]

"That with a slight change in the way of thinking some things
which you thought were hard aren't really that tough"

My Teacher : -

Whenever I hear a particular buzz-phrase cliché at a staff meeting,
I fish into my pocket for two ten-cent pieces, slap them up on the
table, and scoot them down about eight inches. It's just that easy
to shift one's paradigm.

~ Jason Dias

Comments -
mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=TwistedLesson

===========  This week's Humor ==============

SUICIDE  BOMBERS

Ever wonder why Middle Eastern Muslim terrorists are so quick
to volunteer on a mission to commit suicide?  Let's just take a
closer look at their lifestyle  ...

No premarital sex.

No Booze.  None.  Ever.

Sand.  @#$%^& sand everywhere!

No TV.  No cable TV.    No satellite TV.

No Spice channel.  No Playboy channel.  No ESPN.  No Höotérs!

No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

Sand.  @#$%^&* sand everywhere!

No organized sports of any kind.  That's right, no sports!

Women are to be completely covered and wear veils.

No thongs.    No Victoria's Secret.

Very, very few cars.

Camels.  Lots of camels.   Stinking, filthy camels.

Sand.  @#$%^&* sand everywhere!

Ever try to fish at an Oasis?

No bass boats.

No bass.

No fish.

Sandstorms.  More @#$%^&* sand everywhere!

Rags for clothes and hats.

Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel dung chips.

Eating with your right hand only, because you wipe your bütt with your left.

Toilet tissue is unknown.

Sand.  @#$%^&* sand everywhere!

No Golf.  Just sand traps.

Constant wailing next door  ...  no wait, that's music.

Praying 5 times a day for what?    More of this life?

Oh, and did I mention the sand?

And when you die it's supposed to get better.

No wonder they volunteer for suicide missions!!!!

THE  END

(Thanks Teddy Pooh)

Comments :
mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=humor

========= This week's Stress Reliever? ========

http://www.send4fun.com/funpages/view.cfm/1868

(Thanks Dianne)

Comments or Submissions of your own favorites:
mailto:posts@workinghumor.com?Subject=lolurl

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I

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Eva Rosenberg mailto:eva@workinghumor.com

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