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I-Laugh - Your 'Working' Humor Discussion List
Moderated by : Eva Rosenberg mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org
Assisted By : Gunjan Saraf mailto:email@example.com
27th April 2004 # Issue 157
Those who lack courage will always find a philosophy to justify it.
~ Albert Camus
More Camus quotes at :
IN THIS DIGEST :
The Other Moderator's Comment
~ Moderator's 2c
~ from Tom Antion
THIS WEEK'S HUMOR
THIS WEEK'S STRESS RELIEVER
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It's been weeks since I got any message from any
of you Laughmates out there, so when I saw Pravin's
mail in my mailbox it brought a smile to my face. Then
I opened it and started reading and a frown replaced
the smile, but a millisecond later I was rolling on the
floor with laughter. (I'm glad Pravin wasn't around
looking at me or it might have irritated him aplenty)
The cause for this merriment was that his letter reminded
me of this family who had this wonderful bonnie baby.
The baby looked absolutely normal (ten fingers, ten toes,
2 ears, ah, I'm sure you know the routine) but it wouldn't
utter a sound.
This had Dad and Mom pretty worried and they naturally
rushed the little fellow to our dear Laughmate Dr. Stan Kegel.
Dr. K checked the little fellow thoroughly and got all kinds
of tests done. He even tried to induce a word out of the child
by asking him a couple of punny riddles (cause the tests had
shown nothing physically wrong) but the blighter just wouldn't
utter a sound.
Dr. K then recommended a couple of specialists and the parents
visited each of them and carried out further tests only to confirm
that there was no physical problem with the little fellow and no one
could ascertain why he just wouldn't utter a sound.
All the parents could do was to keep a close watch and keep
hoping that sooner or later the child would utter a sound.
A year passed and then another (or in Kipling's language -
two times the rains came and went) and the child was
becoming old enough to enter play school but he still hadn't
uttered a sound. His mom, thinking about how the kid would
cope in play school was pensively preparing dinner, and with
her mental faculties so distracted, landed up putting salt instead
of sugar in the dessert.
Dinner was served and as usual was a quiet affair. The starters
and the main dish were eaten without a sound. Then dessert
was served. The little fellow put one spoon of the custard in his
mouth, spat it out and growled - "This custard sucks!"
The mother was in tears. She ran and hugged the boy and
screamed in joy - "Ah Pierre (That was the little boy's name.
I was wondering if you'd ever ask me his name) !!! YOU CAN
TALK !!!!!!" ~ Nother Hug ~ "Why did you never say a word
"But Ma," replied Pierre, "everything has been absolutely
I don't know if the last issue was really unpalatable, but even
if it was... I'm glad ;)
Hope I don't have to keep messing up to hear from you !
With best wishes
Many a true word is spoken in Jest
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The Other Moderator's Comment
Looking at my spam today, sitting here, feeling behind,
one subject line catches my eye - "Need Help?"
Oh, if only they meant it!
As long as I'm in there, let's see what yesterday's
batch of 3354 pieces of spam contains, shall we?
Aside from the thousand or so with the weird foreign
characters (why do they think I read Chinese or Korean?),
there are about 124 pieces containing virus attachments.
Of course there are several dozen from servers that think
I sent them viruses or suspect mail. (Not a chance - I don't
use Outlook and don't have an address book for a virus to
Of course, there must be at least 100 that have the little
red symbols warning me of hot content.
Hundreds and hundreds, with various subject lines trying
to enhance the size of my non-existent body part - or harden
it; or increase the size of my already well-endowed attributes.
Drugs - goodness, I can buy anything online.
I love the ones offering me ridiculously low rates of interest -
that are probably good for about 15 minutes, if I pay them
thousands in fees. then watch those adjustable rates skyrocket
beyond any reputable loan.
But my favorite are those hundreds of e-mails, all in caps,
screaming at me, in a most polite, refined voice, offering me
my share of millions of dollars to help bring their money out
of every corner of Africa there is.
And "Adventure Awaits" because "Turn Your TV into a 150
Big Screen" using the "Overnight Advance of up to 5OO
and the "Income From Home - Promote [my] Own Adu1t Website".
And I can use that to watch tapes to learn to "be better lover"
with the "Somebody Wants To Date You" - and I would, but I've
just been told that my "Card Cancelled", so I'll just
"Start saving now"
I realized that I'm "overpaying on your car insurance bill" so
that I can't even afford to get "Autoshield Protection. World's
Car Polish" .
That's so distressing because I "Don't [want to] be left out".
I'm going to "disneyland contour wine grantor salesian burgeon
babysat igor" ....(OK, I give up - what is that nonsense all about?
Why even bother sending mail like?)
Well, that was fun. I've had my spam quota for the month.
Signing off - hoping your not too hard on yourself.
Your Comic Guide,
P.S. AffiliateForce2004 has been re-scheduled to August 19th
to accommodate all the people on the cruise. So join us.
And I'll be practicing Dr. Mike's speaking tips, below.
Does your Cat speak any French ?
Isn't it high time you taught him some ?
Who better to help you teach him than
Henri de la Barbe (Henry Beard) ?
Check out ... French for Cats
===== CONTINUING DISCUSSIONS ========
===> Politically Incorrect
Have been a fan of your postings / e-mails as well as jokes.
But the last one in this edition (On suicide bombers in the
Middle East) is in terrible taste.
The Middle East may be no paradise and as an Indian living
in India which has suffered the worst terrorist attacks probably
originating there I know what all this is. But, what you have
indulged in is just plainly subscribing to the standard images
and clichéd approach. Stereotypical at worst.
And of course it is in terribly bad taste apart from being
politically highly incorrect.
===> Politically Incorrect
I'm sure you're absolutely right about that piece being
politically incorrect. As to whether it is in bad taste depends
on whether you take it with a pinch of salt or a pinch of sand.
I know if my dear friend Sunil had seen it he would have
made me swallow it with more than a pinch of sand and
I'd have had a muffled laugh instead of the throaty one that
I enjoyed when I read that piece. (Have I make any jokes
about the sand yet?)
As far as political correctness is concerned I was going to
agree with you & reply with one of my favorite quote from
Catch - 22 ...
"Racial prejudice is a terrible thing, Yossarian. It really is.
It's a terrible thing to treat a decent, loyal Indian like a nigger,
kike, wop or spic."
... but in a strange coincidence, my dear friend Kramer
(remember the chap with the hilarious signatures ...)
had something to say on the subject that very same day
that I received Pravin's mail....
Hey giggle snorters, train porters, money shorters, baby aborters,
Alamo forters, homecoming courters, mail sorters, male sorters,
toad worters, pocket mortars, and law torters!
I bought a used book in the library the other day for 70 cents.
I had to buy it, it was too funny. It was called...
"The Official Politically Correct Dictionary and Handbook"
Here are some excerpts from the book...
Bald-headed = hair disadvantaged
Flowers = botanical companions
dead = terminally inconvenienced
drunk = sobriety-deprived
fail = achieve a deficiency
fat = possessing an alternative body image
girl = prewoman
old = chronologically gifted (My favorite!!!)
girl watching = street harassment
prisoner = client of the correctional system
stupid = cerebrally challenged
white = melanin impoverished
wife = domestic incarceration survivor
Don't you think those were better than listening to
a Barry Manilow CD?
Some semi-random thoughts to leave you thinking...
What if all the Muslim men in the world turn themselves into suicide
bombers? Would that spell the beginning of the end of Islam? Think
about it! Yes it could. Could it not? No males left to procreate and
continue the religion. Like the dinosaurs, they would become extinct.
Hmmmmmmmm. I wonder if they ever thought of that?
I guess I'll have to try and bum that book from Kramer, soon.
Till then, you'll have to pardon my ignorance.
With best wishes,
===> Speaking Tip
Last Minute Practice by Tom Antion
If you happen to be staying in a hotel in a room next to mine,
it is very likely you would hear parts of my upcoming speech
bellowing through the walls.
Even after the enormous number of presentations I've done I still
practice my stories and various bits of material the night before
my event. I heard Zig Ziglar saying that he does the same thing.
Unless you are speaking every day, it is almost impossible to
stay razor sharp with your delivery. Being a keynote / large
event speaker, I may go 90 - 120 days between times when I
tell certain stories on stage. The last thing I want to do is flub
up a line or bumble through a piece of material because I
hadn't thought about it for a couple months.
Don't get cockey! Practice your material several times right
before you do your speech and you'll have a much greater
chance that each word will come out perfectly.
[from Tom Antion's 'Great Speaking' newsletter.
To subscribe why not use our affiliate link (given below) ]
Comments or if have you a tip to share -
Click: The Ultimate Guide to Electronic Marketing for
Speakers, Authors, Coaches and Consultants...by Tom Antion
========= NEW DISCUSSIONS =============
===> Ethical Codes
Look what I found recently in Dr. Stan's Groaners Digest...
A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO
SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
valuable scientific objectivity.
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR
WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT
FAILS TO BRING RELIEF
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight
into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere
permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN
WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters
could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however
modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT
YOU CANNOT AFFORD
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS
THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE
OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
Now isn't that brilliant. I think all professionals (in whatever
field of work they are) need to formulate such code of conduct
for their clients. I'm starting to work on...
A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Laughmates.
Rule no. 1 will naturally be to write in regularly. Rule no 2
will have something to say about complaining about
politically incorrect jokes. ;)
Of course, I've just started to work on the codes and at
present your suggestions are welcome.
Also if you do formulate a code for clients in your own
line of work DO share it with us.
=========== Twisted Lessons ==============
[ W h a t I L e a r n e d d u r i n g
t h i s w e e k ]
"It could be worse !"
My Teacher : -
LETTER TO A MOTHER
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter
over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it,
with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I
eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he
is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big
But it is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said
that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He
wants to have many more children with me and that's one
of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone
and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing
us with all the cocaine and Ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure,
for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to
take care of myself.
Some day I'll visit, so you can know your grandchildren.
PS.: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted
to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's
report card that's in my desk drawer.
(Thanks to Dr. Stan Kegel
=========== This week's Humor ==============
Revenue Collectors Theme Song
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat;
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat;
Tax his crop,
Tax his work;
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew,
Tax his smoke
Teach him taxing
is no joke.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing
is the rule.
Tax his oil,
Tax his gas
Tax his notes,
Tax his cash
Tax him good
and let him know,
That after taxes,
he has no dough.
If he hollers,
Tax him more;
Tax him till
he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which
Put these words
upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him
to his doom."
After he's gone,
we won't relax.
We'll still collect
========= This week's Stress Reliever? ========
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