Humorous Quotes from Paul Reiser's
- So we’re on this plane, and across the aisle from us was another couple, about our age, traveling with their two children – a two-year-old girl and a very new boy who, though tiny in stature, had a crying scream so piercing, it was annoying people on other planes.
- When you realize you would consider not having a child just so you could take an occasional snooze and be available to see Batman Retires the same weekend it comes out, you have to take a good hard look at yourself and acknowledge, “I am a shallow, shallow person.”
- “Let’s see . . . we’re going to need someone to put our things in order, someone to take all our junk when we die, and someone to take care of us and worry about us before we die . . . I don’t know anybody who’s going to do that . . . I know – let’s make someone. Let’s manufacture a whole new person, and then that’ll be their job.”
- New parents always sound like hucksters in a pyramid scheme. Anyone who has kids and then gets you to go and have kids gets a check from Huckster Headquarters.
- By shrewdly linking procreation to an act likely to make you stupid with excitement, God has seen to it that Life does indeed go on. (It's possible, by the way, that this is why God's name comes up so often in the middle of the act; it's a salute to the author: "Hey, whoever made this up - thanks.")
- Now there are thousands of choices, and one (a book) designed for everyone in the family. There's Mother and Baby, Father and Baby, Grandparent and Baby, Baby and Whoever You Get to Stay with the Kid While You're Reading All These Books . . .
- These books don't just present information, they demand to be read. The titles dare you to pass them by. Everything You Need to Know . . . , What You Really Must know . . . , What Everyone Else Knows and Secretly Redicules You Behind Your Back for Not Knowing.. . .
- When you're in @#*!#-ing hell, your forehead can feel a wee bit feverish. (By the way, that's the way my wife actually curses. She doesn't use dirty words; she'll literally say "asterisk, pound sign, exclamation point, the-letter-'A'-with-a-circle-around-it, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.")
- Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy. In fact, my wife almost never ate either.So where did these craving come from? I concluded it's the baby, ordering in.
- The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.
- The simple combination of letters and sounds you select (as a name for your baby) can result in a life of carefree coolness or decades of expensive therapy.
"Hi, I'm Jake" versus "Hi, I'm . . . Tapioca"
- There was a period where our child's birth was getting really close, and we still had nothing. We were dangerously close to calling him Untitled Baby Project.
- Middle names are kind of like vice presidents: It's a fine distinction and certainly an honor, but you're never not aware that someone else got the real job.
- Parents often give middle names just so that later, when they're yelling at the kid, they can drag it out. "Henry David Thoreau, you come in here this instant!"
- We looked forward to each subsequent sonogram like it was our favorite show. We'd dim the lights, pull up our chairs, pull up our stirrups, and settle in for the latest installment of My Little Fetus.
- Eventually, someone led us to our room - a doctor or a nurse, or an unbelievably conscientious ice cream man. All I know is they were wearing white, and I was thrilled to see them.
- A new child in the house is a huge tourist attraction. It's like Disneyland, except there the lines are longer and no one brings casseroles.
- The first time I tried to put a new diaper on my baby, I yanked the little Velcro strap too jerkily and actually punched the little guy in the jaw. A real solid shot, too. I knew instinctively that this could not be correct. Unless you're specifically trying to raise a welterweight, continual deliverance of powerful uppercuts is not advised when handling newborns.
- Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist.
Have you checked out
this super book?
Back to Humorous Quotes
WorkingHumor.com now has a Facebook Page. It's still a baby, hasn't learnt how to dance yet
but maybe you're the one we're waiting for, to get the party started ;o!
Check it out here