Humorous Quotes attributed to Bill Maher
1956- , American Comedian
- Al Gore said that they market candidates today like they market dog food and soap suds which isn't true because you can't lie about dog food. ~ Be More Cynical
- All-out civil war has broken out in Iraq, and the Bush administration
is furious. They said, "How dare you start a war in the middle of our
- Bush is with the Saudis like Michael Jackson is with 12-year-olds. He just doesn't care how it looks....He's just like, "It's charming.
We're just having milk and cookies!"
- Chile's New President, Michelle Bachelet is her name. She is a single
mother, a socialist and an agnostic. In this country not only could
she not be elected president, but her phone would be tapped by the
- CNN, to mark the fifth anniversary of 9/11, is going to be re-playing their original coverage of that day. Let's just hope that President
Bush doesn't tune in and go, "Oh my God, they've done it
- Colin Powell, our secretary of state, said Iraq will have a constitution in six months and it's going to be modeled after our United States
Constitution -- not the original one. The lite version we are using now.
- Dick Cheney feels responsible for his daughter being a lesbian because growing up, she heard him say 'go f--k yourself' so many times, she finally tried it.
- Dick Cheney's main man 'Scooter' Libby says that it was Bush himself who approved leaking classified information. I find that hard to believe - that President Bush is allowed to see classified
- Dick Cheney was originally supposed to attend a Sept. 11 anniversary ceremony at ground zero but he cancelled at the last minute. He explained why, he said that every time he goes to ground zero he is overcome by grief because Halliburton is not rebuilding it.
- ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating... What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
- Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half. ~ New Rules
- George Bush says, 'Gore's book needs a lot of explaining.' Of course, Bush says that about every book.
- Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer into piss that's what you are! ~ Be More Cynical
- He (The pope) spoke at a synagogue in Berlin that was destroyed by the Nazis and apologized for the destruction. Then he politely wondered if, by any chance, during the rebuilding, anyone had found his wallet.
- Hillary Clinton is now campaigning against sex and violence in TV shows and video games. She said studies show that children who ... are exposed to sexual images are more likely to blow her husband.
- Hurricane Katrina looked like it was bad in Florida the other day.
Law enforcement officials went around telling people to stay in their
homes, and black people thought it was election day.
- I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he's great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can't fire me. I quit."
- Sammy Davis Junior was 64 when he died. Give me 64 Sammy years, I'll be happy. I'd rather have that than a 150 Ken Star years. ~ Be more Cynical
- I don't want you to be as cynical as the people who make campaign ad just cynical enough to see through that m........ f.......! ~ Be more Cynical
- Isabel has weakened into what they call a tropical depression but it did kill 17 people. Dick Cheney said we cannot rule out the possibility of a link to al Qaeda.
- It is starting to look more and more like the terrorist attack in Spain
was the work of al Qaeda and today President Bush called the Prime Minister of Spain to offer his condolences and said "If it makes you
feel any better we will be happy to attack a country that had nothing
to do with it."
- It was reported that two of Osama bin Laden's sons were apprehended in Afghanistan, but President Bush is not gloating, he said he knows how embarrassing it is when your kids get arrested.
- L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves
Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a
- Let’s face it, God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship Him? “Oh, you're the greatest. You're perfect. We’re fuck-ups. You know everything. We’re in the dark.” Secure people don’t need to hear that all the time. ~ Comic Relief
- Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.
- Now all the dirt is coming out on all the candidates. Today, Gary Coleman tearfully confessed to once having a two-and-a-half-way.
- On the tape, bin Laden says that neither Kerry nor Bush can keep us safe. Boy, just what we need, another undecided voter.
- Osama bin Laden put out a new tape. The CIA thinks it's a bit out of date because on it he promises suicide bombers that one of the virgins they'll get in heaven is Britney Spears.
- People were waiting in line to get a glimpse of the pope's body for 24 hours. By the time they got to the head of the line, they smelled worse than him.
- President Bush said he wants Iraqis to compromise with each other,
the warring parties, on their constitution. He said, look how easy it
is, look how many times I've compromised our constitution.
- President Bush was hosting the Chinese president at the White House, President Hu. Or as I call them when they're together: President Hu and President Huh? ... It was actually a very controversial summit. Some think it's wrong to meet a dictator with a deplorable human rights record, but apparently President Hu was okay with it.
- Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. "We'll try to get you work. But don't bug us about it." ~ Comic Relief
- Scooter Libby was found guilt of perjury, obstruction, and making
false statements -- or, as the White House calls it, a press
- Scientists at NASA have stopped high-fiving. It seems that the Mars
rover no longer wants to talk to us. So minutes ago President Bush
announced that this proves that Mars is not cooperating with our
inspection and the war is on.
- Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine. ~ New Rules
- Terri Schiavo has passed away and they are still fighting about it. The husband wants her cremated, the parents want her buried, and President Bush wants to appoint her to the Supreme Court.
- The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
- The Pentagon said this week that the war in Iraq has cost $20 billion
so far. The breakdown is:
Operations: $10 billion;
Personnel: $6 billion;
Getting Bush re-elected: priceless.
- The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and Spain.
- The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11
for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was "collecting his thoughts." What a time to start a new hobby.
- The president had a press conference this week and he said that the
U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea. And then he added, "Like
having no plan ever stopped me before."
- The president's popularity took a nose dive lately. It's at 49 percent, the lowest point ever. He says he is not down-hearted about it, he says 'Look the election is just a year away and remember I only need one less vote than the other guy.'
- The president said the Iranians are sending weapons into Iraq. He's
sure it's reliable intelligence, because this time he was in the room
when they made it up.
- They added up all the people in this country who consider themselves a minority and it added up to more than the population of the country.
~ Comic Relief
- They didn't embalm him (Pope John Paul II). He was laying out all week. And he still looked better than Michael Jackson.
- They don't want a drug free America they want an America free of the drugs that are their competition. Prozac doesn't want to go up against marijuana, it will lose! ~ Be More Cynical
- This obsession we have with kids... Whatever happened to people ? You know the veterans of childhood ... ~ Be More Cynical
- This was the town hall debate, and Bush says he likes the personal feel of a town hall. There's something about getting out there and lying directly to people's faces.
- We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
- When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
- You can't lie to kids about drugs. They know about drugs. You can't say they're just all bad. They know life is a little more complicated. I have never done heroin. I would never recommend heroin, but it hasn't hurt my record collection.
- You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause... Try donating it to the Democrats. ~ New Rules
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