Humorous Quotes from
When will Jesus bring the Porkchops?
By George Carlin

Major funding for this book was made possible by deliberately starving a family of four in Tenessee.

I find it discouraging – and a bit depressing – when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.

Here’s all you need to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid.

Things I wonder about the FBI’s list of the “Ten Most Wanted” criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, “I made it, Bruno. I’m finally on the list”?

I know the fertility rate is down. Good. It should go down even further. Every family should be allowed half a child. If that.

Be careful whom you befriend. They will eventually ask you for something.

Michael Jackson missed his calling. If he had become a Catholic priest, he could’ve spent thirty for forty years blowing all the little boys he wanted, and no one would have said a word.

I was reading a fitness magazine that had an article about cross-training, and I realized this would have been a good idea for Jesus.

People who see life as anything more than pure excitement are missing the point.

The future ain’t what is used to be.

WHAT HAPPENED? Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, Madison, Adams, Hamilton. Things were going well. Then Ford, Quayle, Mondale, Agnew, Nixon, Clinton, Dole, Bush I, Bush II. What happened?

True Fact: A radio commercial says that a certain diet pill works three times faster than starvation. Question: Are they guessing, or did they really run these tests?

Here’s something you can’t do by yourself: practice shaking hands.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man with no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn’t mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

I haven’t quite finished this section. (I'm sure I needn’t remind you P.C people that “The opera isn’t concluded until the full-figured woman offers her vocal rendering.”)

In the future a time machine will be built, but no one will have time to use it.

In the future all the knowledge in the world will be contained on a single, tiny silicon chip which someone will misplace.

In the future every part of the human body will become replaceable, but all parts will be back-ordered six months.

In the future the ocean will dry up, and people will find things they dropped in the toilet many years ago.

In an effort to improve his life, he decided to sell his soul; unfortunately, he sold it on eBay and was never paid.

He died on the feast of St. Dismas, after mistakenly eating a bag of after-dinner mints before lunch.

As a young man he wanted to be gynecologist, but claimed he couldn’t find an opening.

Used to be you had to go to Europe to find a spa. Now any place that has a sink and more than three towels is a f***ing spa!

If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead.

They say that rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don’t mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

If I ever had a stroke, I hope it will be early in the morning, so I don’t take my vitamins that day for no reason.

Personal ad: “Hello, I am Henri. I am fifty-five years old, and I am looking for someone who will leave me alone. Please respond. And then leave me alone.”

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn’t that weird?

Usually, when you go to someone’s house they offer you coffee. They say, “You want some coffee? I tell them, “No thanks, I have coffee at home. But I could use a little pancake mix.”

I don’t even care about the astronauts themselves. Anal-retentive robots wasting money in space. And – not incidentally – spreading our foul, grotesquely distorted DNA beyond this biosphere. I say, keep the infection local.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”

I'm not a person who thinks he can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

I’d like to point out that during the twentieth century, white, God-fearing, predominately Christian Europe produced Lenin, Stalin, Franco, Hitler and Mussolini.

You know who you have to admire? A Catholic hit man who blesses himself just before he strangles someone.

I know a hip-hop Jew who wears his yarmulke backward. It’s hard to detect, but I think it looks great.

Suppose you tried to f**k a woman who had ten personalities, and nine of them said okay, but one of them resisted and tried to fight you off. Would that still be rape?

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven’t changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.

I’d like to know the suicide rate among people who call in to radio psychologists and actually follow the advice they get.

If you vote once, you're considered a good citizen. If you vote twice, you face four years in jail.

I think the reason conservatives want all these babies to be born is that they simply like the idea of birth. That’s why so many of them have been born again. They can't get enough of it.

When the supermarket checkout person asks, “Paper or plastic?” I often say, “Woven silk,” just to keep him on his toes. “Rolled steel” is not a bad answer either.

PENITENT: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Yesterday, I killed my third priest in a month. The first time it scared me. The second time I had no feeling at all. The third time . . . I actually began to like it.
PRIEST: I'm not really a priest, son. I'm just cleaning the confessional.

WONG: We’ve been told that all the kings horses and all the king’s men tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
KING’S MAN: That’s not completely true. Some of the king’s horses and a few of the king’s men. But not all. The king has a lot of horses and men. They’re needed for parades.

You know how sometimes you have a song going through your head over and over all day long, maybe even two or three days? And it’s driving you crazy because you can’t get it out of your mind? Well, I know how to fix that. It’s extreme, but it works every time. You kill yourself.

They’re always talking about what separates the men from the boys. Well, I’m gonna tell you what separates the men from the boys. The sodomy laws.

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

I don’t believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. If I don’t like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, “I hope your children turn our poorly.”

A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they’re interested in fashion.

I wonder if a person who comes out of a coma feels refreshed and well rested.

I drove past a school with a sign that said WE’RE DRUG-FREE AND GUN-FREE. Later that day I drove past another school that didn’t have a sign like that. What am I supposed to infer from this about the second school?

Here’s a thought: If you have a perfectly DNA-matched identical twin, technically, it’s possible to go f**k yourself.

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

I don’t know about you, but years ago, when Evel Knievel was jumping across the Snake River, I was rooting for the river.

They always say the vice president is just a heartbeat away from the presidency. Don’t they mean the lack of a heartbeat?

Do you know why it is that when a rancher f**ks a sheep he does it at the edge of a cliff? It’s so the sheep will push back.

Whenever I hear about someone who “died for the flag,” I always wonder about his real motives. And then I remember, Oh yeah, they shoot deserters.

I don’t own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt.

A good motto to live by: “Always try not to get killed.”

It was nearly eleven-thirty, and I had just put the cat out. But it hadn’t been easy. He had burned more fiercely than I anticipated.

I can only hope that somehow MP3 players and file sharing will destroy FM radio the way they’re destroying record companies. Then, even though the air will probably never be safe to breathe again, maybe it will be safer to listen to.

When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not an agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

A female teacher seduced a fourteen-year old boy and he turned her in to the police. What was this kid thinking? Was he f***in’ crazy? Or gay? I would have kept that kind of thing real quiet. At least until I graduated.

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

Humorous Quotes from When will Jesus bring the Porkchops?By George Carlin

Humorous Quotes from
When will Jesus bring the Porkchops?
By George Carlin