Humorous Quotes from
If you can't live without me,
why aren't you dead yet
By Cynthia Heimel
- It occurs to me in a blinding flash of insight that all movies and TV shows
are derivations of the shows that preceded them, they are almost the same
but watered-down, not as good. Then I remember I had the same exact thought, only better, three years ago.
- Contrary to popular opinion, clothes are not for warmth, not for modesty. If
we didn’t have clothes, we’d have to wear signboards saying, say, “Hello, I’m a radical lesbian mother with a Stalinist streak,” or “Hello, I prefer you
to think I’m athletic.”
- The media know exactly what they’re doing, focusing our attention on Arsenio’s hairdo. We need to keep our brains brimming with rubbish. If we didn’t, we might think about things.
- If we had lives even vaguely free from marauding horrors if we had any sort
of lives at all, if any of us even had a meager chance of personal fulfillment or (ha ha) happiness, if we even had a small notion that we had control over our own destinies, we wouldn’t give a shit whether Cybill
Shepherd lived or died. But we don’t, so we do.
- When God wants to play a really rotten practical joke on you he grants you
your deepest wish and then giggles when you suddenly realize you want to
- At the church supper all the women, who two years ago appeared happily in
pastel-hued slacks or gingham dresses, were in knockoffs of knockoffs of
knockoffs of Donna Karan.
- Scientific studies have shown that if a generation has no passion for shoes,
it is dead from the neck down.
- ...soon after you’ll make trucks full of money, your grandchildren will be
able to become full-time heroin addicts from this money.
- In New York we have streets exploding and innocent Buddhist girls being
stabbed in the neck and cabdrivers refusing to help her. If we happen into a
nightclub by mistake, when we leave the doorman will be lying in the street
surrounded by police.
- I have never met a sensitive guy. I mean really, no-kidding-around
sensitive. Guys are just too straightforward. They call a spade a spade, and
think it really is a spade. They never seem to grasp the concept of nuance,
- There are twenty-five women in this room and fifty facelifts,” said Patti.
- Look how far we’ve come. It used to be that the woman would just swoon and then be rescued by a man. Now a woman comes out from performing
heart-replacement surgery, swoons, and is rescued by a man.
- Women are never allowed to have adventures. When I was growing up, the only girl on TV I could identify with was Lassie. She got to run around and do things.
- If you live in England and happen to have PMS when you commit a murder, you can be acquitted. England is a very enlightened country.
- The buying of unfortunately colored boots is the biggest symptom of PMS.
- She’s got a boyfriend. And a very nice boyfriend, cute and smart and almost solvent.
- We’re only human. And being human means being an animal. And being an animal means that when another animal gets something we want, whether it be a big bone or a big boner, we have this enormous need to rip her throat out.
- My new rule is to never believe a person is interested until you feel his tongue down your throat.
- Every time I’ve had my heart broken, the next two years are riddled with dreams of knights in shining leather.
- Everybody knows that men are not just another sex, they are another species.
- In Manhattan, marriage is a trend. Couples kiss over their arugula and radicchio salads. They fondle each other’s genitals while devouring their pasta puttanesca. By the time the tiramisu arrives, they’ve slid under the table.
- I feel left out. I want to be an asshole like everyone else.
- “Instead of watching that (a porn movie), I’d buy this,” he said, holding up
Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue.
“That’s a healthy attitude,” said Cleo.
“It’ll make you want girls you can never have in a million years.”
- Turn this off. I don’t want to see a movie more boring than my own life.
- Pity the poor infant. Born perfect into the world from imperfect parents.
- Hoo boy, am I drunk. It is like –Jeez, I am plastered! – three o’clock in the morning and life is beautiful. I mean, you should see the sky out there, black as f***ing ink, murky as sh*t, gorgeous.
- I remember the day we were hanging around the band’s commune and Roger came in with the press kit for a rock band (Moby Grape) any of us had ever seen. It looked psychedelic, yet it was done by ad people. I believe the word “hype” was coined on that very day.
- Drugs. I miss them. I miss feeling good for no reason.
- Maybe this has happened to you: You're demented-in-love, you spend too long finding out it will never work. Then you spend an equally long time feeling like a plant that has been bending one way toward the sun, but the
light-source has changed, now it’s time to start growing upright again.
- Barbados is just off Trinidad, near the equator, the heat is so thick you feel as if you're being ironed.
- The last thing I wanted was the tension to ooze from my body, since it was holding me together.
- (At the wedding) the men in their penguin suits hovered around.
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