Humorous Quotes from
Aunt Erma's Cope Book
By Erma Bombeck
- My husbandís infatuation with Angie Dickinson had wound down and I noted the same ecstasy he used to reserve for her pictures now appeared in his face whenever his soup was hot.
- My husband disliked parties. He called them the Varicose Olympics.
- I donít like to talk about me in front of myself. Itís embarrassing.
- I eased away and observed my husband across the room. For a man going through his metallic age (silver hair, gold teeth, and lead bottom) he did cut quite a figure.
- The kids fanned in and out like a revolving door. The only way you could get them to turn their stereos down was to tell them you could hear the words.
- We must have seemed weird in a world where young people met in a line to see Superman, made a commitment to one another by the intermission, and dissolved the relationship between ordering a pizza and picking it up.
- No one can stamp out football. Itís like head colds and Doris Day. . . it will be with us always, whether we go or not.
- (about a soap opera) Of course it was pure fiction. I mean, where else could you see a man who told his wife he loved her. . . with the lights on?
- My children dominated my buying habits and I knew it. They could sing beer commercials before their eyes could focus.
- If thereís anything my life had been, it had been predictable. You could set your clock by it. Acne at twelve, marriage at twenty-two, labor pains at twenty-six, Miss Clairol at thirty, Sara Lee at thirty-five, and turtleneck sweaters at forty.
- It was obvious. I was late for my crisis and it had started without me.
- A few days later I saw Barfy in the supermarket. She had that pregnant stance, like a kangaroo wearing earth shoes.
- The fact was that I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either.
- Ever since I read that Eva Braun (Hitlerís mistress), Judas Iscariot, and Anne Boleyn shared my zodiac sign, I could never get too chocked up about Astrology.
- My sun never rose on my sign. My planets were always conspiring behind my back. And my destiny always read like it had been out in the natal sun too long.
- I had never meditated. Oh, once when I paid thirty dollars for a Halston scarf I slipped into a slight hypnotic state. But...
- It was time to get off my cusp and start controlling my own life. I was going to have inner peace if I had to break a few heads to do it.
- It became apparent to me long ago that if God had wanted me to play tennis, He would have given me less leg and more room to store the ball.
- I watched the joggers every morning from my kitchen window. They looked like an organized death march as they ran by gasping, perspiring, stumbling, their faces contorted with pain.
- He continued to run every day and brag about his joggerís elbow (which he got when he sideswiped a stop sign at an intersection).
- Louise Cremshaw! We used to follow her around for shade.
- There was no one there who weighed over nine pounds. I felt like stretch marks at a Miss America pageant.
- The T-shirt craze had clearly gotten out of hand. In one day alone I encountered three propositions, four declarations, two obscene suggestions, and a word so bad I stopped the car and threw a blanket over the girlís chest.
- Women who crossed their legs in cold weather were announcing they wanted attention. In hot weather, they were bragging.
- They (the kids) drove me crazy trying out their latest in parent-psychology techniques.
- I feverishly thumbed my way to a chapter on ďGrowing Up.Ē It said when we can stand alone without leaning on our children, we have indeed reached the age of independence.
- Smokers who blow smoke in my face will learn firsthand (within minutes actually) how injurious smoking can be to their health.
- Stella had made the transition from the utility room to the board room as easily as napping during a piano recital.
- I rarely saw Kathy any more. She lived by a timetable. Even her headaches were scheduled.
- From here on in, my life is going to be orderly. I'm going to think before I talk; plan before I act; act before I procrastinate.
- I figured our long ago that guilt was like mothers. Everyone in the world had at least one.
- What better way to understand todayís young people than to spend an evening with them. Itís logic like that that fills nursing homes.
- You may dance if you like but know that the current craze is disco and if you do not have a flight plan filed, you could hurt yourself.
- I discovered things had changed since Amy Vanderbilt recommended shaking hands with your gloves on until your engagement had been formally announced.
- My husband hated cocktail parties. He said people drank too much and it was like talking to a traffic light. . . a blinking red eye, and in five second they sped off to another corner.
- We had just gotten a letter from our younger son at school (Mom was spelled with two oís, but what the heck, he was only a freshman.
- Itís easy to sit around and just let things happen, but the bottom line is groping! How can you be happy if you're not miserable?
- Our forefathers didnít know what they were laying on us when they penned the Declaration of Independence. Life and Liberty were pieces of cake compared to the Pursuit of Happiness.
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