Humorous Quotes attributed to Dave Barry
1947- , American Humor Columnist, Author

According to Rob (my son), I understand the universe about as well as a barnacle understands a nuclear aircraft carrier. (Dave Barry is not taking this Sitting Down)

"Acronyms" are chemical substances secreted by moths wishing to have sex. No, wait, that's "pheromones." (Dave Barry in Cyberspace)

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression. (Dave Barry hits below the Beltway)

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. (Stay Fit and Healthy until you're Dead)

An operating system is the "Godfather" program that operates behind the scenes, telling all other programs what to do, making sure they cooperate, and if necessary leaving the heads of virtual horses in their beds. (Dave Barry in Cyberspace)

Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire. It would take one of these computers an entire day to send an email to the other one, which would immediately delete it, because it was a Viagra ad.

Because of the extremely high cost and phenomenal inaccuracy of early computers, the only customer for them was the federal government. (Dave Barry in Cyberspace)

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. (Dave Barry in Cyberspace)

CIA director George Tenet noted recently, ''Our thinking now is that the weapons of mass destruction might actually be in that other one, whaddycallit, Iran. Or Michigan. We're pretty sure the letter ''i'' is involved.'' (The Miami Herald - Dec. 28, 2003)

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."

Computers operate on simple principles that can easily be understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination and an IQ of 750. (Dave Barry in Cyberspace)

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. (The Taming of the Screw)

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around. (Dave Barry is not taking this Sitting Down)

I have long contended that, however many zillion dollars the federal government costs us, we get it all back and more in the form of quality entertainment. (Dave Barry hits below the Beltway)

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes. (Dave Barry is not taking this Sitting Down)

It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it.

Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Men -- because of a tragic genetic flaw -- cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to support agriculture. (The Miami Herald - Nov. 23, 2003)

Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as ''viruses,'' ''worms,'' ''Trojan horses'' and ''licensed Microsoft software'' that can take over your computer and render it useless. (The Miami Herald - Dec. 14, 2003)

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Scientists who study weather are called "meteorologists," to distinguish them from scientists who study meteors, who are called "scientists who study meteors." (Dave Barry is not taking this Sitting Down)

South Florida residents own as many guns as the North Korean army, although ours are generally of a higher caliber. (Dave Barry hits below the Beltway)

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of communications since the invention of "call waiting." (Dave Barry in Cyberspace)

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

The only way to get elected to Congress is to raise a bunch of campaign money, and pretty much the only way to do that is to already be a member of Congress. (Dave Barry hits below the Beltway)

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Washington is a fine city, offering statues, buildings and plenty of culture in the form of Thai restaurants. (Dave Barry hits below the Beltway)

We never look outside (in Miami) on Christmas morning to discover that the landscape has been magically transformed by a blanket of white, unless a cocaine plane has crashed on our lawn. (The Miami Herald - Dec. 07, 2003)

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

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