Humorous Quotes from
Babies and other Hazards of Sex
By Dave Barry

My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.

I say the American Medical Association ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question ...

You must remember that when you are pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must also remember that the other one of you is about the size of a golf ball, so lets not go overboard with it. I mean, a lot of pregnant women eat as though the other person they’re eating for is Orson Welles.

Keep in mind that it’s a baby you’re eating for. If you’re going to eat for it, don’t eat like an adult; eat like a baby. This doesn’t mean you can’t have Mallomars; it means you must hold them in your hands until the chocolate melts and then rub it into your hair and the sofa.

But never mind what you teach the child while its in the uterus; the important thing is that you can teach it and you’d better, if you want it to get into Harvard Medical School. Of course, the teaching method has to be very simple. I mean, you can’t go in there with slide projectors or anything.

Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.

Baby’s room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby’s room should be in Peru.

The United States Constitution empowers grandmothers to stop any young person on the street with a baby and offer advice, and they take this responsibility very seriously.

All your really smart, with-it trendsetters are into breast-feeding today. Go into any swank New York City night spot and you’ll see dozens of chic women such as Leona Helmsley breast feeding, many of them with rented babies.

...You should keep up this tough discipline until your child is in junior high school and thus has access to weapons.

We modern sensitive husbands realize that is very unfair to place the entire child-care burden on our wives, so many of us are starting to assume maybe three percent of it. Even this is probably too much.

You’ve read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat reads those stories too, and has spent most of its skulking, devious little life dreaming about inheriting all your money.

Babies are people, too; they want to eat what you want to eat. They want cheese-burgers and beer.

Children are capable of learning to read much earlier than we give them credit for. Why, Mozart was only two years old when he wrote Moby Dick!

My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you’re supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.

Children at this age (1 yr) move around a lot while they sleep. If we didn’t keep them in cribs, they’d be hundreds of miles away by dawn.

You can take an educated, sophisticated couple who, before their child was born, talked about great literature and the true meaning of life, and for the first two years after they become parents, their conversations will center on the consistency of their child’s stool.

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on a lobster in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required."

The best toys for a child aged 0 to 3 is a toy that says "For Ages 10 to 14." The best toy for a child aged 10 to 14 is cash, or its own apartment.

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