Humorous Quotes from
Babies and other Hazards of Sex
By Dave Barry
- My point here, young couples, is that
baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the
vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're
reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.
- I say the American Medical Association
ought to get the hell off the golf course and answer this question ...
- You must remember that when you are
pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must also remember that the other
one of you is about the size of a golf ball, so lets not go overboard with
it. I mean, a lot of pregnant women eat as though the other person they’re
eating for is Orson Welles.
- Keep in mind that it’s a baby you’re
eating for. If you’re going to eat for it, don’t eat like an adult; eat
like a baby. This doesn’t mean you can’t have Mallomars; it means you
must hold them in your hands until the chocolate melts and then rub it into
your hair and the sofa.
- But never mind what you teach the child
while its in the uterus; the important thing is that you can teach it and
you’d better, if you want it to get into Harvard Medical School. Of
course, the teaching method has to be very simple. I mean, you can’t go in
there with slide projectors or anything.
- Babies are equipped at birth with a
number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to
spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home
contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home
contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order.
- Baby’s room should be close enough to
your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep,
in which case baby’s room should be in Peru.
- The United States Constitution empowers
grandmothers to stop any young person on the street with a baby and offer
advice, and they take this responsibility very seriously.
- All your really smart, with-it trendsetters
are into breast-feeding today. Go into any swank New York City night spot
and you’ll see dozens of chic women such as Leona Helmsley breast feeding,
many of them with rented babies.
- ...You should keep up this tough
discipline until your child is in junior high school and thus has access to
- We modern sensitive husbands realize that
is very unfair to place the entire child-care burden on our wives, so many
of us are starting to assume maybe three percent of it. Even this is
probably too much.
- You’ve read newspaper stories about
elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats,
right? Well, your cat reads those stories too, and has spent most of its
skulking, devious little life dreaming about inheriting all your money.
- Babies are people, too; they want to eat
what you want to eat. They want cheese-burgers and beer.
- Children are capable of learning to read
much earlier than we give them credit for. Why, Mozart was only two years
old when he wrote Moby Dick!
- My theory is that there is a finite
amount of intelligence in a family, and you’re supposed to gradually
transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your
parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were
getting really smart.
- Children at this age (1 yr) move around a
lot while they sleep. If we didn’t keep them in cribs, they’d be
hundreds of miles away by dawn.
- You can take an educated, sophisticated
couple who, before their child was born, talked about great literature and
the true meaning of life, and for the first two years after they become
parents, their conversations will center on the consistency of their
- All of us are born with a set of
instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on a
lobster in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words
"Some Assembly Required."
The best toys for a child aged 0 to 3 is a toy that says "For Ages 10
to 14." The best toy for a child aged 10 to 14 is cash, or its own
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