Humorous Quotes from
Boogers are my Beat By Dave Barry
Toward the end of the book we’ve included some more recent columns, so you can judge how much I have matured as a writer. Actually, I can just tell you here: I have not matured at all. Thank God. Maturity is a crippling handicap for humor columnists. It’s like height for jockeys, or ethics for lawyers.
We have a lot of funny institutions in this country – infomercials, California, Al Sharpton, organized religion – but for consistently wacky hijinks, you cannot beat the way we go about choosing our maximum leader.
I was especially criticized for one column about a campaign appearance by Sen. John Glenn, in which I pointed put that he was not an electrifying speaker. I believe my exact words were: “He could not electrify a fish tank if he threw a toaster into it.”
Motto: “Florida – You Can't Spell It Without ‘Duh.’”
Each state receives a certain number of electoral votes, based on how stupid the state’s motto is. Thus, New York (motto: “Driver Carries No Cash”) has 33 electoral votes; whereas North Dakota (motto: “Coming Soon – Plumbing!”) has none.
Here in the news media, our focus is on speed. When we get hold of some new and possibly inaccurate information, our highest priority is to get it to you, the public, before our competitors do. If the news media owned airlines, there would be a lot less concern about how many planes crashed, and a lot more concern about whose plane hit the ground first.
Nobody knows who won the presidential election, because nobody knows who was Florida. We’re having a recount, which should be pretty entertaining, because Florida’s No.3 industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.
There have been reports of irregular voting procedures, including one Palm Beach County precinct where the “ballots” given to voters were actually pizza coupons. (As of right now, Extra Cheese holds a slim lead over Pepperoni...)
This place (Washington) is infested with Texans, who simply cannot get over how Texan they are. Many of them are wearing cowboy hats, though I suspect they're mainly business people who have never personally interacted with a cow that was not in the form of prime rib.
This ball was so crowded that it took me – a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area – forty five minutes to get a beer.
Then he (George W) read a nice speech in which he pointed out – correctly, in my view – that the future lies ahead.
It’s convention time, and Republicans from all over the solar system have gathered here in the historic birthplace of our nation (Philadelphia) – the place where in 1776, as any American schoolchild can tell you, the Founding Fathers signed the Gettysburg Address.
The Republican nominee, George “W.” Bush Jr. III, went out of his way to select a running mate who would Broaden the ticket, in the sense of not being a member of “W’s” immediate family.
A critical function that we journalists perform at political conventions is to try to get into parties that we have not been invited to. There are dozens of these parties, sponsored by large corporations with a sincere public-spirited desire to become larger.
Among the luminaries on hand was billionaire Steve Case, who started America Online. I tried to start a conversation with him, but I kept getting cut off. (Rim shot.)
Reverend Falwell was on the show to talk about gay people, whom, as a Christian, he sincerely and deeply loves, which is why he wants to inform them that they are degenerate perverts going to hell.
The tactical maneuvering has started, and it looks like an exciting campaign ahead, with most polls now showing Gore-Lieberman closing to within just two percentage points of Bush-Cheney among the estimated four voters who currently care.
Under strict California law, you cannot go anywhere, including the bathroom, without going on at least three freeways, two of which must be the “10” and the “405.”
A strictly enforced anti-cliché policy could cut the total combined speech time for an entire convention to under fifteen minutes.
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and – regardless of their political or cultural differences – accuse each other of cheating.
Utah was chosen to host these games by the International Olympic Committee after carefully weighing numerous wads of cash supplied by local organizers.
The streets of Salt Late city are teeming with helpful Olympic volunteers, who constantly ask you if they can help you, and then, whatever you want to do, helpfully inform you that, for security reasons, you cannot do it.
I want to tell you more about this fascinating place called Utah which is nicknamed “The Beehive State,” and for a very good reason: All the other nicknames were taken.
All religions seem weird if you're not familiar with them.
Of course, ski jumping was not invented by sane people. It was invented by Norwegians.
Favorite Long Quote/Extract In the newspaper business (motto: “Trust Us! We’re English Majors!”) we have
high standards of accuracy. Before we print anything, we make sure that:
We personally believe it’s true, or
A reliable source (defined as “a source wearing business attire”) told us it’s
Another newspaper, with a respectable newspaper name such as “The Fort
Smidling Chronic Truncator” says it’s true, or
It’s getting late and we need to print SOMETHING so we can go to the bar.
This action was taken by – get ready for some irony – the International Olympic committee (motto: “No Longer Openly Accepting Bribes”).
The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense of having nuclear missiles.
The Wal-Mart also boasts a vast food department, featuring enough cholesterol in the snack section alone to finish off every heart patient of Earth.
It seems that a new batch of lawyers, who were not involved in the original tobacco litigation, has been pondering the 1998 settlement, and they have come to the conclusion that it has a very serious legal flaw, namely: They are not getting any of the money.
We should not be critical of the way our political and legal leaders are waging the War on Smoking. They have proved once again that this great nation, with its “can-do” attitude, can take any problem, no matter how sad and hopeless it seems, and figure out a way to turn it into increased Mercedes sales.
It’s time for my annual Tax guide, which takes you step-by-step through the federal filing process, from obtaining the proper tax forms all the way to getting that desirable upper prison bunk.
Check out any feng shui publication, such as Feng Shui for Modern Living (“The World’s Biggest Selling Feng Shui Magazine”), which is filled with useful tips, such as this one from the April issue: “Keep your toilet seat down . . . to prevent ch’i being unnecessarily ‘flushed’ away.”
No offense, but if you take the horoscope seriously, your frontal lobes are the size of Raisinets.
We’re moving. I blame my daughter. She’s only five months old, but she has somehow acquired, at a conservative estimate, 250 million toys. Every morning, there seem to be more of them. I suspect they're having some kind of battery-powered sex while we sleep.
Today’s toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say “your child.” MY child just wants to eat the toys.
I called our Realtor and said: “We need to move.” Now a truly compassionate Realtor, upon hearing these words, would have shot me in the head.
I'm sure you're familiar with Cosmopolitan (“Fun-Fearless-Female”). It’s the one with the cover that always has a picture of a woman who looks as though she has a prestigious and rewarding executive career as a hooker.
Over the decades, Cosmopolitan has printed literally thousands of surefire techniques for driving men insane with passion. If these techniques actually worked, by now the entire male population of the United States would have been wiped out by lust.
Using a complex, sophisticated technique to get a man excited is like preparing a gourmet French meal for a Labrador retriever.
Another frisky phrase suggested by Cosmopolitan is-get ready- “My bikini waxer went a little overboard.” Listen, women: If you actually say those words to a man, he’s going to assume you want him to take you to the Emergency Room.
Even as you read these words, competing parents – the kind of people whose homes have candles burning in front of statues of Martha Stewart – are hunched over their workbenches, creating (Halloween) costumes that require more time and effort than you spent planning your wedding.
It was a Yorkshire Terrier, a breed originally developed in England to serve as makeup applicators.
Recently, my wife and I took our eight-month-old daughter on a trip involving five plane flights in one week. Many people would be reluctant to travel with a baby that small, but we had a compelling reason: We have Fig Newtons for brains.
...Terry Jackson, who is the Miami Herald’s automotive writer and TV critic. That’s correct: This man gets paid to drive new cars AND watch television. If he ever dies and goes to heaven, it’s going to be a big let down.
I have a strict policy of not looking at engines, because whenever I do, a mechanic appears and says “There’s your problem right there” and charges me $ 758.
The Humvee engine is LOUD. I picture dozens of sweating hot men under the hood, furiously shoveling coal as Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet run gaily past.
Despite the Humvee’s ruggedness, when it’s cruising on the highway, the “ride” is surprisingly similar to that of a full-size luxury sedan being dragged across a boulder field on its roof.
I gave the Humvee the toughest challenge you can give a car in America. That’s right: I drove it to a shopping mall just before Christmas.
It’s almost Thanksgiving, a time for us to pause in our busy lives and remember, as the Pilgrims did so long ago, that an improperly cooked turkey can kill us.
Turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.
Continued on Page 2
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