Humorous Quotes from
Boogers are my Beat
By Dave Barry

Favorite Long Quote/Extract
In the newspaper business (motto: “Trust Us! We’re English Majors!”) we have high standards of accuracy. Before we print anything, we make sure that:
We personally believe it’s true, or
A reliable source (defined as “a source wearing business attire”) told us it’s true or
Another newspaper, with a respectable newspaper name such as “The Fort Smidling Chronic Truncator” says it’s true, or
It’s getting late and we need to print SOMETHING so we can go to the bar.

This action was taken by – get ready for some irony – the International Olympic committee (motto: “No Longer Openly Accepting Bribes”).

The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense of having nuclear missiles.

The Wal-Mart also boasts a vast food department, featuring enough cholesterol in the snack section alone to finish off every heart patient of Earth.

It seems that a new batch of lawyers, who were not involved in the original tobacco litigation, has been pondering the 1998 settlement, and they have come to the conclusion that it has a very serious legal flaw, namely: They are not getting any of the money.

We should not be critical of the way our political and legal leaders are waging the War on Smoking. They have proved once again that this great nation, with its “can-do” attitude, can take any problem, no matter how sad and hopeless it seems, and figure out a way to turn it into increased Mercedes sales.

It’s time for my annual Tax guide, which takes you step-by-step through the federal filing process, from obtaining the proper tax forms all the way to getting that desirable upper prison bunk.

Check out any feng shui publication, such as Feng Shui for Modern Living (“The World’s Biggest Selling Feng Shui Magazine”), which is filled with useful tips, such as this one from the April issue: “Keep your toilet seat down . . . to prevent ch’i being unnecessarily ‘flushed’ away.”

No offense, but if you take the horoscope seriously, your frontal lobes are the size of Raisinets.

We’re moving. I blame my daughter. She’s only five months old, but she has somehow acquired, at a conservative estimate, 250 million toys. Every morning, there seem to be more of them. I suspect they're having some kind of battery-powered sex while we sleep.

Today’s toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say “your child.” MY child just wants to eat the toys.

I called our Realtor and said: “We need to move.” Now a truly compassionate Realtor, upon hearing these words, would have shot me in the head.

I'm sure you're familiar with Cosmopolitan (“Fun-Fearless-Female”). It’s the one with the cover that always has a picture of a woman who looks as though she has a prestigious and rewarding executive career as a hooker.

Over the decades, Cosmopolitan has printed literally thousands of surefire techniques for driving men insane with passion. If these techniques actually worked, by now the entire male population of the United States would have been wiped out by lust.

Using a complex, sophisticated technique to get a man excited is like preparing a gourmet French meal for a Labrador retriever.

Another frisky phrase suggested by Cosmopolitan is-get ready- “My bikini waxer went a little overboard.” Listen, women: If you actually say those words to a man, he’s going to assume you want him to take you to the Emergency Room.

Even as you read these words, competing parents – the kind of people whose homes have candles burning in front of statues of Martha Stewart – are hunched over their workbenches, creating (Halloween) costumes that require more time and effort than you spent planning your wedding.

It was a Yorkshire Terrier, a breed originally developed in England to serve as makeup applicators.

Recently, my wife and I took our eight-month-old daughter on a trip involving five plane flights in one week. Many people would be reluctant to travel with a baby that small, but we had a compelling reason: We have Fig Newtons for brains.

...Terry Jackson, who is the Miami Herald’s automotive writer and TV critic. That’s correct: This man gets paid to drive new cars AND watch television. If he ever dies and goes to heaven, it’s going to be a big let down.

I have a strict policy of not looking at engines, because whenever I do, a mechanic appears and says “There’s your problem right there” and charges me $ 758.

The Humvee engine is LOUD. I picture dozens of sweating hot men under the hood, furiously shoveling coal as Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet run gaily past.

Despite the Humvee’s ruggedness, when it’s cruising on the highway, the “ride” is surprisingly similar to that of a full-size luxury sedan being dragged across a boulder field on its roof.

I gave the Humvee the toughest challenge you can give a car in America. That’s right: I drove it to a shopping mall just before Christmas.

It’s almost Thanksgiving, a time for us to pause in our busy lives and remember, as the Pilgrims did so long ago, that an improperly cooked turkey can kill us.

Turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.

Continued on Page 2

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