More Humorous Quotes from
Boogers are my Beat
By Dave Barry
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- To clear this up, I did some research on the Internet, I wish I’d done so sooner, because with just a few mouse clicks I was able to locate many photographs of naked people.
- I was on a plane trip with a literary rock band I belong to called the Rock Bottom Reminders, which has been hailed by critics as having one of the world’s highest ratios of noise to talent.
- It was a beautiful day at the beach – blue sky, gentle breeze, calm sea. I knew these things because a man sitting five feet from me was shouting them into his cellular telephone, like a play-by-play announcer.
- Stores LOVE service agreements, for the same reason you’d love to have money fall on you from the sky.
- In some stores, selling you a product seems to be merely an excuse to sell you the service agreement.
- It’s only a matter of time before we see stores that have no products at all, just empty aisles prowled by salespersons who glom onto you and relentlessly hector you until you buy a service agreement. Think of the profit margin.
- We watch his show every morning while we’re feeding out seventeen-month-old daughter, Sophie, her breakfast, by which I mean picking her food off the floor and checking to see if it’s still clean enough to eat.
- I like the Bear’s show because it meets the single most important artistic criterion for children’s TV: It is not Barney.
- On The Bear in the Big Blue House, there are no children, only animals, the main one being the Bear, which I assume is a guy wearing a bear suit, although it moves in a realistic manner, so it could be an actual bear wearing a bear suit.
- Suddenly my wife, who is not normally a burster, burst in and said: “There’s a bat in the kitchen!” A good snappy comeback line would have been: “No thanks! I already ate!” But snappy comebacks are not what is called for in this type of situation.
- Women have a reputation for being gentle and nurturing, but in my experience, they pretty much want to wipe out every creature on the Great Tree of Life below the level of poodle.
- A man – we’ll call him “Harvey” – went to see a doctor, complaining of tiredness, bruises all over his body, shooting pains, and quotation marks around his name.
- Many people – and here I am in no way referring to my wife – refuse to admit that they snore.
- We’d go on a camping trip, and for dinner we’d consume huge quantities of Campbell’s brand Pork ‘n’ Mainly Beans, and by nightfall the hills were alive with the sound of tooting.
- What is snoring? Medically it is when air has trouble getting past the uvula, which is a part of you body that sounds like a dirty word but is actually not.
- Instead of punching, baseball players fight by grabbing each other’s shirts and exchanging fierce glares, as if to say: “You're gonna get a PERMANENT WRINKLE IN YOUR PAJAMAS, BUSTER!”
- Subjecting employees to physical abuse is a standard corporate motivational technique that has proven, in study after study, to be a highly effective means of transferring money to consultants.
- Many young people, can immediately grasp how to operate any technological object, no matter how complex. Give my son fifteen minutes in the space shuttle, and he will figure out not only how to launch it into orbit, but also how to make it play really hideous “hip-hop” music loud enough to shatter passing asteroids.
- Please do not tell me that sound does not travel through space. “Hip-hop” music travels through everything.
- The world is not a perfect place. It is a world filled with malice and evil, a world where, today, none of us is truly safe, even in our homes, from the very real danger that a total stranger will call us up and demand that we change our phone company.
- Your parents do not expect you to pay them back. All that they expect is that you will go out and find your place in the world. Notice that we say, “the world,” as opposed to, “your parents house.”
- Your parents love you very, very much Class of 2002, but at this stage in their lives, if they could choose between living with you and living with a Labrador retriever, they quite frankly would go with the Labrador retriever. For one thing, it will not expect them to do its laundry.
||Favorite Long Quote/Extract
I have been listening to people – and when I say “people,” I mean “men” –
tell jokes for longer than fifty years (I don’t mean the jokes take longer
than fifty years to tell, although some of them come close) and I can state
for a scientific fact that the funnier a joke is, the more likely a woman is
to react by saying: “That’s disgusting!” As if that’s a BAD thing.
- For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).
- You don’t think of swingers as being the type of people who hold conventions. By “swingers,” I mean couples who swing with other couples. By “swing,” I mean, “you know exactly what I mean.”
- These were people of all ages and bodily types: Some had obviously spent a lot of time at the fitness club; whereas others appeared to have recently eaten a fitness club.
- It is not easy to look cool when you're sticking a spoonful of soup in your ear because your head has just whirled sideways so your eyeballs could keep track of a passing thong.
- A bouncy castle is a big rubber inflatable thing that you can rent for birthday parties, weddings, congressional hearings, etc.
- As far as I can tell, two-year-olds never eat anything. I think they nourish themselves via some kind of photosynthesis-like process that involves the direct absorption of Play-Doh.
- Movie critics are very bitter because they know, in their hearts, that their teeth will never look as nice as the teeth of the people they write about.
- Changing names is a sound idea, an idea based on the scientific principle that underlies the field of marketing, which is: People are stupid. Marketing experts know that if you call something by a different name, people will believe it’s a different thing.
- ...written in MarketingSpeak, which is sort of like English, except that it doesn’t actually mean anything.
- I spent part of a day driving around the Greater Grand Forks area, where you can see many breathtakingly spectacular vistas if you have taken hallucinogenic drugs. Otherwise you’ll see a lot of really flat agriculture covered by snow.
- Next week, I’ll tell you about the sport of ice fishing, which is irrefutable proof that prolonged exposure to cold causes brain damage.
- At least once per day, without fail, my computer, like every computer I have ever owned, has some kind of emotional breakdown.
- I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let's All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont.
- Human cloning: Will it be a lifesaving scientific advance, like penicillin? Or will it prove to be a horrible mistake that unleashes untold devastation upon humanity, like the accordion?
- In 1995, scientists in Florida used a single strand of DNA from the Backstreet Boys to form ‘N Sync. Or maybe it was the other way around.
- Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.
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