Humorous Quotes from
Dave Barry Turns 40
By Dave Barry
- Remember the words of the wise old Health Proverb: “ A person who observes the rules of proper nutrition is a person who should never be placed in charge of a barbecue.”
- A few people – and I see no reason why we should not beat them to death with sticks – manage to reach middle age with lean, slender bodies.
- Great strides forward are being made in this exciting field (cosmetic-surgery) as the medical community becomes increasingly aware of the benefits, both psychological and physical, of getting rich.
- If you're really bothered by your hair loss, there are various techniques that you can employ to combat it. And although these techniques vary greatly in cost and degree of medical risk, each of them, if used correctly, can enable the man who’s getting a little “thin on top” to turn himself into a man who looks “silly.”
- The best angle for looking through bifocals is when you lean way back and look through the lens bottoms, thus affording the public a spectacular panoramic view of your nasal passages.
- A lot of people also get good results by wearing their bifocals up on their foreheads, thus allowing the light rays to bypass the eyeballs altogether and penetrate the brain directly.
- Modern women are no more free from stereotypical notions about beauty than modern men are free from the primal male belief that if you let another male cut in front of you in traffic, this is proof that he has a larger penis.
- Or they use Cher, for God’s sake, a woman who has had so much cosmetic surgery that, for ease of maintenance, many of her body parts are attached with Velcro.
- And when I say “good-quality,” I of course mean “costing more per one-ounce tube than a semester at Yale.”
- She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.
- Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.
- When we look at actual children, no matter how they are raised, we notice immediately that little girls are in fact smaller versions of real human beings, whereas little boys are Pod People from the Planet Destructo.
- Individually they're (little boys) okay, but if two of them get together, their combined total IQ is immediately halved, and if a third boy comes along it’s halved again, and so on, so that if you have, say, six of them, you're talking about the destructive force of a tank commanded by the brainpower of a Labrador retriever.
- I am definitely in favor of raising the minimum driving age. In fact, I think it should be raised every year, to keep my son from ever reaching it. I think that when my son is 58 years old and comes to visit me in the Old Persons’ Home, he should arrive via skateboard.
- I'm going to assume that you're not a member of Congress, and that you therefore have a certain minimum amount of dignity.
- The pharmaceuticals industry Code of Ethics does not allow the production of any product unless merely pronouncing its chemical name in front of laboratory rats causes at least a third of them to die.
- Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.
- Nothing productive has ever happened in a meeting. If Noah had formed an Ark Construction Task Force, it would still be arguing over the ideal number of cubits.
- As a concerned parent, you want to make sure that your child does receive the benefits of a college education, to acquire the vital knowledge and skills that you acquired in college, such as how to take notes while sleeping, or drink bourbon through your nose.
- The way this (The Stock Market) works is : You find yourself a reputable stockbroker (defined as “a stockbroker who has not been indicted yet”), and you give him some money...
- Eventually you start to notice that your “can't-miss” stock is not performing up to expectations, as evidenced by the fact that the newspaper is now listing it on the comics page.
- Fashion-wise, they favored a sportswear look that I would call “Pretend Guerrilla,” sometimes including bandannas pulled up over their faces, thus enabling them to blend into the downtown Atlanta environment as unobtrusively as water buffalo at a formal wedding.
- Our old grill rusted out. It was your basic model, the kind where you put your charcoal in, you lit it, you noticed about an hour later that the charcoal had gone out, and you ordered a pizza. It gave us many years of good service.
- The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who’d stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire.
- Tragically we have very nice weather down here in South Florida, which means that while most of the nation enjoys the luxury of being paralyzed by slush, we subtropical parents are trapped in Year-Round Youth Sports Hell.
- I tell myself that if my son were not out there participating in sports, he would not be learning one of life’s most important lessons, namely: “It doesn’t matter whether you win or lose, because you are definitely going to lose.”
- If you really get into golf, you can actually try to play it some time, although this is not a requirement.
- Paul, who is an avid golfer in the sense that if he had to choose between playing golf and ensuring permanent world peace, he’d want to know how many holes.
- Fishing is very similar to golf because in both sports you hold a long skinny thing in your hand while nothing happens for days at a time.
- “He’s so dumb, he’d eat bait,” is a common fish expression, which means that the only fish you're in any danger of catching are the total morons of the marine community, which is why, when you see them mounted on people’s walls, they always have a vaguely vice-presidential expression.
- Your modern young people do not view their elders as sources of wisdom. Our generation certainly didn’t. We got all our wisdom from songs written by currently deceased rock stars whose bloodstreams contained the annual narcotics outputs of entire Third World nations.
- The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It’s insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.)
- Albert Einstein, the brilliant physicist who not only invented the White Guy Afro haircut, but also discovered the Theory of Decade Relativity, which states: “Each decade goes exactly twice as fast as the decade before.”
- One of the major advantages of getting old is that you're allowed, even expected, to be eccentric and crotchety and just generally weird. Why not take advantage of this? Older people, if they play their cards right, can get away with almost anything.
- Here’s a man (Ronald Reagan) who was twice elected to the most powerful position on Earth despite needing a TelePrompTer to correctly identify what year it was.
- Remember how he (Ronald Reagan) handled the Iran-contra Never Ending Scandal from Hell? He went on national television, the President of the United States, and said it wasn’t his fault, because he was not aware, at the time, of what his foreign policy was.
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