Humorous Quotes from
Dave Barry's Bad Habits By Dave Barry
When Doubleday & Company decided, after days of heavy drinking, to publish this book, they hired a panel of extremely brilliant nuclear physicists, who combed through these essays and marked, with a red pencil, every sentence that might conceivably be accurate, and these sentences were all removed with pruning shears.
What could be more fun than an outdoors barbecue? I can think of several things offhand, such as watching the secretary of state fall into a vat of untreated sewage. But that would probably cause us to go to war in Nicaragua or somewhere, so I guess we’ll have to settle for a barbecue.
What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night.
You're probably afraid to repair your car because you think cars are complicated. This is nonsense. Many teenage boys understand cars, and on any scale of intellectual achievement teenage boys rank right down there with newts. At least they did when I was one of them.
When I say “dogs”, I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking about those little squeaky things you can hold on your lap and carry around. Zoologically speaking, these are not dogs at all; they are members of the pillow family.
Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal (NOTE: When I say “loyal,” I mean “stupid.”
From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died and left her entire estate, valued at $320,000, to her cat, Fluffkins. Cats read these stories, too, and are always plotting to get named as beneficiaries in their owners’ wills.
If you spend much time with cattle, you know they spend their time making cattle mess and panicking. The scene is pretty much the same on Wall Street, except the herd members carry briefcases.
You can't wave your arms in a world trouble spot without striking Cuban troops. They’ll go anywhere, because if they stay home they have to listen to extremely long speeches.
Our foreign policy is supposed to be a secret. This principle was perfected by Richard Nixon, who used to keep the foreign policy hidden in a little jar buried in the White House lawn. Nobody ever had the vaguest notion what he was going to do next.
The atmosphere in Washington D.C., tends to lower people’s intelligence. You’ve probably noticed this. You elect all these sharp people, full of brilliant ideas and you send them to Washington, and after a few months of breathing the atmosphere they start behaving like brain-damaged turnips.
I imagine many of you readers, especially the ones with smaller brains, are eagerly awaiting my annual tax advice column.
The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.
I say we all help President Reagan cut government waste. I say we cheat on our income taxes this year.
The only reliable parts of American newspapers are horoscopes, weather forecasts, and economic outlooks, which are all consistently false.
If we’re ever going to return the United States to its glory days (August 14 and 15 1955) we’re going to have to do something about television.
This country has been going downhill ever since they took the Ed Sullivan show off the air, and I say we should bring it back. Some of you may argue that Ed Sullivan is dead, but I don’t see how that would affect his judgment or delivery in the slightest.
If you want to take your mind off the troubles of the real world, you should watch local TV news shows. I know of no better way to escape reality, except perhaps heavy drinking.
If you don’t listen to radio talk shows, you really should, because it gives you a chance to reassure yourself that a great many people out there are much stupider than you are.
Golf is similar to video games in that it is a monumentally useless activity that people become obsessed with and waste a lot of money on, but it has the added drawback of encouraging people to wear really stupid clothing, such as pants that can be seen with the naked eye from other galaxies.
The key economic indicator of a recession is that government economists go around announcing that the economy is improving.
Our other major solid assets are : A purebred German shepherd dog for which we paid $300, or roughly $50 per brain cell.
Jogging kills your brain cells. The Army has known this for years; it forces recruits to jog every day, on the theory that some of them will lose so many brain cells that they will eventually reenlist.
...it left a lot of people with the impression that psychiatrists are just a bunch of bearded voodoo doctors who espouse confusing and wildly contradictory theories that have nothing to do with common sense. This is totally unfair. Many psychiatrists are clean-shaven.
The man who discovered that fathers cause virtually all psychiatric problems was Sigmund Freud, who is known as the Father of Modern Psychiatry.
Freud discovered that if a trained analyst probed a patient’s past for several hours a week, week after week, year after year, the analyst could make an enormous amount of money.
Freud’s approach is based on the fact that the human personality is actually made up of a number of parts: the Ego, the Libretto, the Sense of Humor, and the Tendency to Be Irritable in the Morning.
You should get a thorough physical examination at least twice a year, unless you have to pay for it personally, in which case you should get one every eight years or whenever you think something is really wrong with you, whichever comes first.
I have been a father for nearly six months now, so needless to say I know virtually everything there is to know about raising babies.
...he or she would make a poor impression, and would end up having to be a bum or work for the government.
Before you go on any diet, you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.
If the Good Lord had wanted us to floss our teeth, He would have given us less self-respect.
The first art was created by primitive people, who made pots and plates with primitive decorations. They didn’t realize this was art. They thought it was just pots and plates. Their problem was that seconds after they made a pot or plate, an archeologist would race up and snatch it and put it in a museum.
Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to hum it properly.
Let me make it clear that I am opposed to pornography. I believe if God wanted people to be seen naked, He would not have made so many of them unattractive.
I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words.
They formed a Grammar Commission, which developed the parts of speech, the main ones being nouns, verbs, predicants, conjectures, particles, proverbs, adjoiners, coordinates, and rebuttals.
Favorite Long Quote/Extract
Because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of
their time translating simple, obvious observations into a
scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to
learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that
children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological
observation of the sociometrical behaviour tendencies of prematurated
isolates indicates that a causal relationship exists between groundward
tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this
up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.
The mathematical formula for tipping, which was discovered by Sir Isaac Newton, states that the tip equals 15 percent of the bill, but unfortunately the bill is always $17.43, and nobody has the vaguest idea what 15 percent of $17.43 is.
Ancient Man tried for thousands of years to explain Life. Ancient Man would do anything to avoid honest work.
Most congressmen are incapable of eating breakfast without the help of several aides, so we can hardly expect them to understand a serious threat from outer space.
Modern computers can do everything from ruining your credit rating forever to landing a nuclear warhead on your porch.
Computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will ever be able to talk to us. (By “they” I mean “computers": I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)
Carl Sagan is a famous science personality who goes on public television and earns big buckaroos explaining the universe. Carl’s technique is to use the word “billion” a lot. It’s written into his contract that he gets to say “billion” an average of twice per sentence, so the viewers won't forget what a deep thinker he is.
Today’s scientific question is, what in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
Edison’s first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically just sat until 1923, when the record was invented.
If you want to become a rich, pretentious snot – and who doesn’t? –you should learn about wine.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Beer can also be used to halt the nuclear arms race. Right now the missile negotiators drink coffee, so after three or four cups they get very snappish, which leads to increased international tension.
Mostly what I get in the mail is threats to sue me or kill me, along with the occasional crank letter.
If you're looking for ways to develop a serious drinking problem, I urge you to take a small child across the country in an airplane.
The Super Bowl is an American tradition, like heart disease.
You need not know anything about football to enjoy it. I know very little about football, and I intend to write a whole column about it and get paid for it.
If you don’t want to own a gun, you can take up karate, a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Fishing is an excellent way to relax and contemplate the beauty of nature and get in touch with your inner self and maim and kill fish.
If you catch a big fish, the government requires you to have your picture taken with the fish hanging next to you.
I think everybody should have a career. Careers give you money and a place to go during weekdays when there’s nothing good on television.
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