Humorous Quotes from
Homes and Other Black Holes
By Dave Barry
- If God had wanted us to spend all our time fretting about the problems of home ownership, He would never have created beer.
- If you have school-age children, by far the most important factor in selecting a neighborhood is, of course, the proximity of the nearest Toys Backwards “R” Us store.
- The entire planet is teeming with insect life; scientists now estimate that there are over 60,000,000,000,000,000,000 different species living under my kitchen sink alone.
- “You scratch my back, and I’ll suck blood out of yours” – that is the insect motto.
- A fine example of the kind of negotiating approach you should take can be found in the excellent corporate training film The Godfather.
- It’s important to ask several lawyers to give you contradictory advice before you sign anything, including get-well cards.
- All mortgages work basically the same way: You sign a bunch of papers, then you make large monthly payments until the Second Coming.
- Most children are unhappy about moving, which is why it is so important, at each stage in the move preparation process, to sit down with them, one on one, and lie to them.
- If you have small children, you need to find a Pediatric Group where you can go and sit in the waiting room when your children get their ear infected.
- The primary function of the American educational system is to provide you with a place to leave your children when you go to work.
- Newton’s First Law of Furniture Buying: The amount you will hate a given piece of furniture is equal to its cost multiplied by the length of time, in months, it takes to arrive.
- Interior Design Hints from Top “Pros” : To make a dark room look brighter, try turning on the electrical lights.
- More and more, scientists are suspecting that the Big Bang was in fact the explosion of a small but very densely packed vacuum cleaner bag.
- We must accept the fact that we live in a universe swarming with particles of filth that are ceaselessly trying to get into our homes and inflict themselves upon us, similar to insurance salespersons, but in some cases even more distasteful.
- What you want to do, in your household, is adopt the cleaning system my wife and I use, which is based on the old philosophical question: “If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody is there to hear it, does it make any sound?” (The answer, by the way, is yes; the tree goes: “Moo.”)
- Useful Home Cleaning Hint : If your child draws pictures of cows on your woodwork with a felt-tipped marker, you can scrub them with a mixture of one part baking soda, one part lemon juice, and one part ammonia, but they won't come off.
- Useful Home Cleaning Hint : The best way to clean a frying pan that has burned food cemented to the bottom is to let it soak in soapy water for several days and then, when nobody is looking, throw it in the garbage.
- If you go away for any length of time, be sure to leave a radio on in your house tuned to a station that plays “rap” music, so that if a burglar does get in, most of his brain cells will be killed instantly and he won't be able to remember how to get back out.
- Like so many other good ideas, such as eating snails, the lawn was invented by a French person, Jean-Harold Discotheque, in 1732.
- Currently there are no lawns in space, although the U S Defense Department Office of Massive Stupid Wasteful Projects has a crash program to put one there before the Russians do.
- I care for my lawn about as well as Godzilla cared for Tokyo.
- I have, over the years learned a few basic facts about lawn care, the two major ones being: If you fail to feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die. If you feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die.
- Americans have never been as fond of gardening as, for example, the British, who have, through centuries of puttering, managed to transform their little island into one of the world’s fourth-rate powers.
- No matter how perfect your new home seems when you first move in, you’ll gradually discover various shortcomings about it that get on your nerves, and ultimately you’ll come to hate it. This usually takes about two weeks.
- I strongly advise you to use a broker, for the same reason that I’d advise you to pay somebody else to repair your automobile transmission, namely: No matter how incompetent or overpaid this person is, he or she can't possibly screw things as badly as you would if you did it yourself.
- You can also make a big improvement in the appearance of dirty, crayon-marked walls by buying a can of flat white latex paint and using it to stand on while you install a lower-wattage light bulb.
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