Humorous Quotes from
Dave Barry is from Mars and Venus
By Dave Barry

I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.

Above all, I thank my son, Rob, who's still willing to go out with me and help me test the world's most powerful head-mounted water gun, even though, unlike his dad, he's really gotten too mature for that kind of thing.

All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions in this book, these people are not responsible. In the end, there is only one person responsible for what I write, and that person, of course, is: Donald Trump.

First, a few words about this title. It isn't easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones are taken. Thin Thighs in 30 Days, for example. Also The Bible.

I went with my son, Rob, to the laser-tag place, Q-Zar, in Coconut Grove, which is a part of Miami where busloads of European tourists go to enjoy the unique South Florida tropical experience of meeting and mingling with other European tourists, sometimes from completely different buses.

Suddenly the room was filled with extremely loud pulsating music apparently created by musicians beating their amplifiers to death with rocks.

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.

I use an ancient Italian spaghetti-sauce recipe that has been handed down through many generations of ancient Italians, as follows: 1. Buy some spaghetti sauce. 2. Heat it up.

Years ago - ask your grandparents - aspirin was sold in bottles that had removable caps. That system was changed when consumer-safety authorities discovered that certain consumers were taking advantage of this loophole by opening up the bottles and - it only takes a few "bad apples" to soil things for everybody - ingesting aspirin tablets.

The cap (of aspirin bottles), which is patented by Rubik's Cube company, cannot be removed unless you line an invisible arrow up with an invisible dot while rotating the cap counterclockwise and simultaneously pushing down and pulling up.

... because the Central Intelligence Agency (motto: "Proudly Overthrowing Fidel Castro Since 1962") was ...

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

He found this notice over the "scrub sink," which is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won't get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery.

The American Turkey and Giblet Council recommends that, to insure proper preparation, you cook your turkey in a heated oven for at least two full quarters of the Viking-Lions game, then give a piece to your dog and observe it closely for symptoms such such as vomiting, running for president, etc.

...who are the two least musically talented human beings on the face of the Earth. These guys could not make a teakettle whistle; it would indicate that it was ready by holding up a little sign that said "tweet."

Favorite Long Quote/Extract
If there's one thing I hate, it's a long poem. And if there's another thing I hate, it's a poem wherein the poet refuses to tell you what the hell he's talking about. For example, when I was an English major in college, we spent weeks trying to get a handle on an extremely dense poem called The Waste Land by T.S. Eliot, only to conclude, after endless droning hours of classroom discussion, that the poem was expressing angst about the modern era. I felt like calling Eliot up and saying, "Listen, T.S., the next time you want to express angst, just EXPRESS it, okay? Just say 'Yo! I'm feeling some angst over here!'"

Primitive tribal men, responsible for defending their territory, would deck themselves out in face paint, animal heads, and nose bones so as to look really hideous and scare off enemy tribes. If some prehistoric tribal warriors had somehow got hold of modern golf clothing, they would have ruled the rain forest.

This exciting moment in sports occurred at the Doral Ryder Open golf tournament, an event on the professional golf tour, wherein the top golfers from all over the world gather together to see who can take the longest amount of time to actually hit the ball.

Your professional golfer takes longer to line up a six-foot putt than the Toyota corporation takes to turn raw iron ore into a Corolla.

Here's what I want you to do: Open your mouth wide. Now take your index finger and stick it WAAAYYYY down your throat and hold it there until your digestive system is in Violent Reverse Thrust Mode. Congratulations! You've just experienced what it feels like to fly in a fighter jet.

The fact that these (fighter) pilots have grown up and received a lot of training and been entrusted by the government with multimillion-dollar aircraft does not change the fact that they are also - and I say this with respect - completely out of their minds.

Actually, my F-16 ride went pretty well at first. Sitting behind Derek in the two-person cockpit, I felt nervous, but my physical discomfort was fairly minor. Then we took off.

Skiing is an exciting winter sport, but it is not for everybody. For example, it is not for sane people.

If you think that dogs are not strong enough to pull a sled, then you have never been walking a dog on a leash when a squirrel ran past. Even a small dog in this situation will generate of the most powerful forces known to modern science.

In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.

Okapis are members of the mammal family. Most human beings, not counting Congress, are also members of the mammal family.

Eugene Opera turned out to be a very professional outfit featuring baritones, sopranos, bassoons, tremors, mezzanines, etc.

"Aria" is Italian for "song that will not end in your lifetime."