Humorous Quotes from
Dave Barry is from Mars and Venus (Cont)
By Dave Barry
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- In Miami it is not customary to stop for stop signs. The thinking in Miami is, if you stop for a stop sign, the other motorists will assume that you are a tourist and therefore unarmed, and they will help themselves to your money and medically valuable organs.
- Their (English) electrical fixtures look and function like science-fair
projects, their plumbing apparently was designed thousands of years before the discovery of water.
- When you turn on the radio, you take it for granted that music will come out; but do you ever stop to think that this miracle would not be possible without the work of scientists? That's right: There are tiny scientists inside that radio, playing instruments!
- "DNA" is an abbreviation for "deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism"
- There is surprisingly little difference between the DNA found in humans and that found in other species such as H. Ross Perot.
- As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a
- The underlying philosophy of our entire health-care system is that the more scary, painful, dangerous, and unnecessary a medical procedure is, the more it should cost.
- Very young children can get things up their noses that are larger than their BODIES.
- Bees can count! This means that bees, in terms of math skills, are ahead of most American high school graduates.
- Here is a difference between a scientist and a sane layperson such as
yourself: If YOU came across a bee that had been dead for 30 million years, your natural, common-sense reaction would be to stomp on it just in case, then maybe use it as part of a prank involving a salad bar.
- Why must scientists continue to mess with the natural order of things? Why do we need to create giant cockroaches? We already have the O.J. Simpson defense team!
- I was a student at Pleasantville (New York) High School, where, if you were a male, cars were extremely important. There were two major religions: Ford and Chevy.
- I borrowed my mother's car, which was a Plymouth Valiant station wagon that could attain a top speed of 53 miles per hour if dropped from a bomber.
- Could alien beings from another galaxy come here and obliterate human
civilization? If so, would this be covered by our homeowners' insurance?
||Favorite Long Quote/Extract
For most of the past fifty years, almost nobody knew what our foreign policy
was. It was a secret. For a while there, in the early 1970s, the only person
who knew anything about our foreign policy was Henry Kissinger, who kept it
hidden in a secret compartment in his underwear, refusing even to show it to
President Nixon, although he did occasionally bring it out to impress
actresses he was dating.
- I realize that some of you may be skeptical about the idea of
reincarnation, but there's a lot of evidence that it's real. Exhibit A is
Vice President Al Gore, who obviously, at some point in his previous
existence, was a slab of Formica.
- A while ago the New York Times printed an item concerning an eleven-year-old girl who was overheard on the streets of East Hampton, New York, telling her father, "Daddy, Daddy, please don't sing!" The daddy was Billy Joel.
- To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
- I believe many Harley guys spend more time revving their engines than
actually driving anywhere; I sometimes wonder why they bother to have wheels on their motorcycles.
- Presidential contenders do not ever stop speaking for any reason,
- The truth is that the world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be
explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one
- I contacted the USDA's (United States Department of Agriculture)Western Region office, which is located - and let this be a lesson to those who claim that the federal government is poorly managed - in the West.
- Recently the federal government, as part of its ongoing effort to become
part of the same solar system as the rest of us, decided to eliminate the
National Pretend Speed Limit.
- The Energy Crisis came to the attention of the federal government, which, swinging into action as only federal government can, told everybody to get swineflu shots. No, wait, that was another crisis.
- In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does not travel fast enough to catch the Italian drivers.
- Get real, women! Copying somebody's hairstyle doesn't make you look like that person! If I wore my hair like Brad Pitt, would I suddenly look exactly like Brad Pitt? Of course not! I would look exactly like Mel Gibson!
- Most of Idaho is outdoors, the result being that local residents are able to enjoy year-round interaction with the natural environment, which gradually drives them insane.
- Ridley informed me that we were going to get down by "rappelling," a
technique that was invented by mountain climbers who had spent a lot of time at high altitudes with no oxygen getting to their brains.
- All in all, it was an extremely memorable experience that I will devote the rest of my life to trying to forget.
- I frankly don't know why I let Ridley talk me into anything. He writes
thriller novels, which means that he spends most of his time thinking up
newer and better ways to murder people.
- The Salmon River is extremely cold, consisting primarily of recently melted snow rushing down from the mountains; this is nature's way of cleansing the slopes of deceased skiers.
- Call me a wild and crazy guy if you want, but recently, on a whim, I decided to - why not? - turn forty-eight.
- I have definitely been gaining some weight in the midriff region, despite a
rigorous diet regimen of drinking absolutely no beer whatsoever after I pass out.
- The only lower-body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels, which I find myself wearing in more and more social settings. I'm thinking of getting a black one for funerals.
- The other day I was in my office, trying to perform a fundamental
journalistic function, namely, fill out an expense report.
- If Oprah were to mention that she's reading the factory repair manual for the 1957 model Hotpoint toast, it would immediately become the No.1 bestseller in the world.
Have you checked out
this super book?
Have you checked out
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