Humorous Quotes from
Dave Barry is not making this up
By Dave Barry
- If, in reading the following pages, you are uncertain as to whether a specific statement is meant seriously or not, simply apply this rule of thumb: If the statement makes you consider filing a law-suit, I was kidding. Ha ha!
- Dogs operate on the wise survival principle that you should immediately eat everything that falls onto the kitchen floor, because if it turns out not to be food, you can always throw it up later.
- We (Dave Barry and his son) need a big ant to illustrate an important scientific concept, the same concept that is illustrated by all Science Projects, namely: "Look! I did a Science Fair project!"
- I had been led to believe, by countless public-televison nature shows, that ants are very organized, with the colony divided into specialized jobs such as drones, workers, fighters, bakers, consultants, etc.,
- I watched these ants for two days, and they accomplished nothing. It was exactly like highway construction.
- For a while there, the only people having babies were unwed teenage girls, who are very fertile and can get pregnant merely by standing downwind from teenage boys.
- In the old days, under President Eisenhower, doctors avoided the contraction problem by giving lots of drugs to women who were having babies. They'd knock them out during the delivery, and the women would wake up when their kids were entering the fourth grade.
- I was a track man myself back at Pleasantville High School, where in 1965 - and I hope I do not sound too boastful here - I set a New York State record for Shortest Time on a Track Team Before Quitting.
- ... new sneakers, which cost approximately as much as an assault helicopter but are more technologically advanced.
- The heavily advertised sneakers that have little air pumps inside. Their feature provides an important orthopedic benefit: It allows the manufacturer to jack the price way up.
- Our parents sent us to ballroom-dancing class, but it would have been equally cost-effective for them to simply set fire to their money.
- I was feeling good that morning. I woke up to the happy discovery that not a single one of our major home appliances had broken during the night and we still had running water.
- You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories.
- It's not that I dont believe the government would try to hide dead aliens; it's that I dont think the government would succeed, since every time the government tries to do anything secretly, as in the Iran-contra arms deal, it winds up displaying all the finesse and stealth of an exploding cigar at a state funeral.
- When you see the Supreme Court justices, they always appear to be extremly solemn, if not actually deceased.
- We need our highest judicial body to stop this childish bickering and get back to debating the kinds of weighty constitutional issues that have absorbed the court in recent years, such as whether a city can legally force an exotic dancer to cover her entire nipple, or just the part that pokes out.
- Mexican restaurants slip high-octane beans into virtually everything they serve, including breath mints. It is not by mere chance that most of Mexico is located outdoors.
- I want to warn you right away that today's topic involves an extremely mature subject matter that might offend your community standards, if your community has any.
- I already had Kellogg's strawberry Pop-Tarts at home, because these are one of the three major food groups that my son eats, the other two being (1) pizza and (2) pizza with pepperoni.
- We must not allow ourselves to become cynical. We must remember that for every instance of the government's demonstrating the intelligence of a yam, there is also an instance of the government's rising to the level of a far more complex vegetable, such as the turnip.
- They both have Blitherers Disease, which occurs when there is no filter attached to the brain, so that every thought the victim has, no matter how minor, comes blurting right out.
- One day we went over, and when our ferry landed, the other passengers tried to kill us. OK, technically they weren't trying to kill us; they were trying to be first in line to get through Immigration and Customs.
- In a few minutes we encounter dramatic proof that China's population is 1.1 billion: At least that many people are in a traffic jam with us.
- Imagine all the bicycles in the world, then double this amount, and you have an idea of Canton at rush hour.
- You'll be pleased to learn that I have thought up yet another way to revive our nation's sagging economy by making myself rich.
- He's a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone as a "heroin fancier."
- So we bounced through Biscayne Bay and out into the Atlantic. The tall buildings of downtown Miami grew smaller and smaller behind us (actually, they stayed the same size; the only appeared to get smaller, because of the Greenhouse Effect).
- After 2 1/2 hours, which in a small, bouncing boat feels approximately as long as the Reagan administration.
- I looked out, and experiencing the same emotion that Columbus must have felt when he first caught sight of the Statue of Liberty, I ...
- We had to go through the U.S. Customs procedure, which is even sillier than the Bahamian one. It was developed by the hardworking Federal Bureau of Irritating Procedures That My Seem Pointless But Actually Accomplish Nothing.
- Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.
- I've returned to Arcola twice to march with this proud unit (Lawn Rangers) in the annual Broom Corn parade, a wonderful small town, heartland event that features a tremendous outpouring of what can only be described as "beer."
- Every day it seems as though there are more criminals running loose out there, and the quality of their work is pathetic.
- Here in South Florida it's standard procedure to have burglar alarms in your house, your car, your workplace, and, if you've had expensive dental work, your mouth.
- As always, we (The Lawn Rangers) will be living out motto, 'You're only young once, but you can always be immature.'
- Monahan explained the philosophy of the Lawn Rangers, which is that it is possible for a group of truly dedicated men to have a lot of fun yet at the same time do absolutely nothing useful for society.
- At that moment I knew I was part of something special, something important, something that someday, I hope, can be controlled by medication.
- A group of rock critics got up with us and sang a version of "Louie Louie" so dirty that the U.S. Constitution should, in my opinion, be modified specifically to prohibit it.
- Let me stress that in matters of musical tastes, everybody is entitled to an opinion, and yours in wrong.
- The worst rock song ever was "whichever one led to the second one."
- Commencement Address to the High School graduating class of 1992: As I look out over your shining faces, I am reminded of the Barlett's familiar quotation by the great Greek philosopher Socrates, who said, "Eventually your skin will clear up and your faces won't shine so much."
- Today as you prepare to go out into the world, leaving behind the hallowed halls of your school, but not before sticking wads of gum on virtually every hallowed surface.
- If there is one pice of advice that I would offer you, it is this: Burn your yearbook right now. Because otherwise, years from now, feeling nostalgic, you'll open it up to your photo, and this alien GEEK will be staring out at you, and your children will beg you to tell them that they're adopted.
- The brain is easily the least intelligent organ in the body.
- I keep seeing young teenage males wearing enormous pants; pants that two or three teenagers could occupy simultaneously and still have room in there for a picnic basket; pants that a clown would refuse to wear on the grounds that they were too undignified.
- What I want to know is, how do young people buy these pants? Do they try them on to make sure they DON'T fit? Do they take along a 570-pound friend, or a mature polar bear, and buy pants that fit HIM?
- "Bassers" are people who like a lot of bass in their music. They drive around in cars with four-trillion-watt sound systems playing recordings of what sound like aboveground nuclear tests, but with less of an emphasis on melody.
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