Humorous Quotes from
Dave Barry Slept Here
By Dave Barry
- In the words of a very wise dead person, “A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.”
- Another major part of the problem is the system used to teach history in our schools, a system known technically, among professional educators, as the Boring Method.
- ...it sounded pretty good when Columbus explained it to the rulers of Spain, Ferdinand and his lovely wife, Imelda, who agreed to finance the voyage by selling six thousand pairs of her shoes.
- ... Benjamin Franklin, who, in a famous experiment, sought to prove his theory that if you flew a kite in a rainstorm, a huge chunk of electricity would come shooting down the string and damage your brain.
- Battles in those days took longer than they do today. First off, it took a while for the British to form into strict military formations, which, when viewed from the air, spelled out nationalistic slogans such as GO BRITS!
- The American troops were poor and ill trained. Many of them wore rags on their feet. They also wore their shoes on their heads. These were not exactly nuclear physicists, if you sense our meaning.
- The president’s primary duties are to get on helicopters; bitch about Congress; and send the vice president abroad to frown with sorrow at the remains of deceased foreign leaders.
- Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
- The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine, who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named.
- Authors such as James Fenimore Cooper, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, and Herman Melville cranked out a series of literary masterpieces that will be remembered as long as they are required reading in high school English classes.
- Eli Whitney invented the “cotton gin,” a machine capable of turning cotton into gin many times faster than it could be done by hand.
- Perhaps the most important invention was the brainchild of Thomas “Alva” Edison, a brilliant New Jerseyan who, in 1879, astounded the world when he ran an electrical current through a carbonized cotton filament inside a glass globe, thus creating the first compact-disc player.
- It was the courage of these early labor pioneers that ultimately made possible the working conditions and wages and benefits that American factory workers would probably be enjoying today if the industrialists hadn’t moved their manufacturing operations to Asia.
- The federal government had acquired assorted western territories like Utah through treaties with the Native American inhabitants under which the United States got the land and the Native Americans got a full thirty minutes’ head start before the army came after them.
- By 1890 THE WEST had been tamed and could even obey simple commands such as “Sit!”
- One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.
- Poets such as T S Eliot and e. e. “buster” cummings were producing a new type of “free-form” verse designed to prove that a poem did not have to be long to be boring.
- An instant hero, he returned in triumph for a motorcade ride in New York City, where millions welcomed him, in typical “Big Apple” style, by covering the streets with litter, much of which can still be seen today.
- Roosevelt was elected in a mammoth landslide that unfortunately left him confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life.
- The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor.
- The best evidence we have of what World War II was like comes from about 300 million movies made during this era, many of them featuring Ronald Reagan.
- It was Truman who made the difficult decision to drop the first atomic bomb on the Japanese city of Hiroshima, the rationale being that only such a devastating, horrendous display of destructive power would convince Japan that it had to surrender. Truman also made the decision to drop the second atomic bomb on Nagasaki, the rationale being that, hey, we had another bomb.
- How come it’s acceptable to write “spilt”? We don’t write: “I was truly thrilt when the service station attendant filt up my car with gasoline.”
- The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for “Joey Bananas”)
- Because of scheduling problems, the fifties did not officially begin until 1952.
- Annette had a major impact on many of us male Baby Boomers, especially the part where she came marching out wearing a T-shirt with her name printed on it, and some of the letters were considerably closer to the camera than others.
- Kennedy’s major political drawback was that the nation had never elected a Roman Catholic; on the other hand, the nation had never elected a total dweeb, either, and the Republicans had for some reason nominated “Dick” Nixon. So it was a close race.
- Hubert Humphrey, a nice man with a lot of solid experience and an unfortunate tendency to sound like Porky Pig, only not as dignified.
- We are pleased to report, however, that while in federal prison they all found the Lord, who was serving a six-year sentence for failing to file tax returns.
- Of course there were many other Ford administration highlights, but unfortunately we lost the matchbook we had them written on.
- Things were also very bad for the American family farmer, whose fields, by the late 1980s, were parched and dusty because of the bright lights being shone on them by television news crews doing heartrending reports about the plight of the family farmer.
- The story of the eighties will be the story of the Reagan administration and the many men and women who served in it, some of whom are already out on parole.
- Backed by massive sea and air support, nearly two thousand marines stormed onto the island (Grenada), despite the very real danger that they might sink it.
- Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong before realizing that Mao was dead.
- In a dramatic televised moment, (Oliver) North, his eyes moist and his voice shaking, revealed to the committee that he was a courageous patriot, after which he became so overcome by emotion that he knocked over his bottle of Revlon eye moistener.
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