Humorous Quotes from
Stay Fit & Healthy until you're Dead
By Dave Barry
- The entire U.S. economy is now
manufactured in Japan.
- Most of the time you feel pretty good,
right? The only time you feel lousy is when you ingest huge quantities of
alcohol and wake up the next day in an unfamiliar city naked with
unexplained chest wounds.
- As you grow older, you're going to start
feeling more aches and pains caused by the inevitable afflictions of age,
such as the Social Security Administration, condescending denture adhesive
commercials, and your children.
- Fitness is a philosophy of life, a
revolutionary new concept in personhood, and, ultimately, a way for people
like me to become wealthy via the sales of fitness-related items such as
- The word “aerobics” comes from two
Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand
- This is the difference between a
world-class marathon runner and a normal person: a world-class marathon
runner has undergone sufficient aerobic conditioning that he can run for
nearly three hours without falling asleep, whereas a normal person will quit
after a few minutes and look for something interesting to do.
- Your body is like a superbly engineered
luxury automobiles: if you use it wisely and maintain it properly, it will
eventually break down, most likely in a bad neighborhood.
- There are two kids of muscle tissue: the
kind that people in advertisements for fitness centers have, which forms
units that look like sleek and powerful pythons writhing just beneath the
surface of the skin, and the kind of you have, which looks more like
deceased baby rabbits.
- Famous designers think nothing of
putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set
the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing.
- Computers are incredibly versatile
machines that can do everything from screw up your airplane reservation to
cause an income tax blunder that gets you sentenced to a life term in a
slimy walled federal prison.
- You should probably join a fitness club
such as you see advertised in the newspapers by photographs of attractive
models wearing leotards fashioned from a maximum of eight leotard molecules.
- The purpose of your warm-up routine is to
allow these cells (muscle cells) to wake up gradually - to stretch, to
scratch, to go to the bathroom etc.
- Lie on your stomach with your face
resting on a New York Times “Fall Fashion Supplement” opened to a
photograph of a model who consumes fewer calories in an entire year than you
do at a single wedding reception.
- Although golf was originally restricted
to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns
- Although a few forward-looking hotels now
offer a service whereby a staff person from a third-world nation will do
your running for you while you are in meetings, in most cases you must still
attend to this tiresome chore yourself.
- See, your body has only a certain number
(21,796,349,582) of cells. Each of these cells can be either part of your
body or part of your head. This means if you make your body bigger, your
head has to get smaller.
- I don’t want to offend any religious
group, especially if it is armed.
- Be alert for dandruff, an incurable
disease where little pieces of your head keep falling off until eventually
all you have left is two eyeballs on stalks protruding from your neck and
you look like a gigantic lobster walking around wearing clothes.
- As recently as 20 years ago, a man was
considered well-groomed if he remembered to remove the little pieces of
toilet paper he stuck on his face where he cut himself shaving.
- The advantage of wearing a wig is that
you don’t look quite as stupid as you would if you went around with a
giant red clown nose on.
- Even the healthiest person, if he follows
the fitness program described in this book, will eventually need medical
- Fortunately, we Americans live in a
nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world,
unless you count maybe 25 to 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland
that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
Have you checked out
this super book?
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