Humorous Quotes from
Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide you'll ever need
By Dave Barry

This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream.

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O’Hare, you can't get there at all.

No matter what destination these (travel) books are talking about, they’ll tell you it’s wonderful: “Even the most demanding traveler is bound to feel a warm glow after only a few days in Chernobyl ...

The major advantage of domestic travel is that, with a few exceptions such as Miami, most domestic locations are conveniently situated right here in the United States.

The major problem here, as I mentioned in the Introduction, is that foreign destinations tend to contain enormous quantities of foreigners (in the form of Japanese tourists).

You should definitely have a travel agent. Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself, only to see the arrangements get all screwed up, when with just a single phone call you can have a trained professional screw them up for you?

The type of luggage you carry says a lot about you. For example, if you're carrying somebody else’s luggage, it says you're a thief.

Airline food is not intended for human consumption. It’s intended as a form of in-flight entertainment, wherein the object is to guess what it is, starting with broad categories such as “mineral” and “linoleum.”

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.

Once we were driving across the country and we got to South Dakota, a dirt-intensive state so sparsely populated that merely by entering it you automatically become a member of the legislature.

As you parents know, a small child can go for weeks without going to the bathroom at home, but once you hit the road, it becomes pretty much a full-time occupation.

We have taken Robert’s friends with us on numerous trips, and we have noted a phenomenon familiar to all parents, namely that you would have less conflict if you put the entire North and South Korean arms forces in your backseat then you get with just two children.

You can't have a bad time at Disney World. It’s not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they catch you failing to laugh with childlike wonder, they lock you inside a costume representing a beloved Disney character such as Goofy and make you walk about in the Florida heat getting grabbed and leaped on by violently excited children until you have learned your lesson.

The best time to go (to Disney World), if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores.

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this (Go on a ride called The Body at the Epcot Center). I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.

Traveling with teenagers is somewhat more difficult than traveling with members of the actual human race.

This (America) is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhatan all the way to the towering mounds of garbage piled up next to the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan.

Alaska also contains large quantities of nature in the form of tundra (“tundra” is the Eskimo work for “nothing”).

The official State Motto of Alaska is “Brrrrrrr!”

Each year millions of skiers come to experience the state’s superb emergency medical facilities!

Although small in size, Delaware has had a major impact on the nation’s destiny: Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt, and John F. Kennedy all traveled through or flew over Delaware at some time or another, as far as we know.

The state capital is Epcot Center. The largest city is Miami (official tourism slogan: “Maybe You Won't Get Shot”), a richly diverse cosmopolitan metropolis where people from many different cultures live and work together while continuing to observe the traffic laws of their individual countries of origin.

Geologically, the Hawaiian island chain was formed when volcanoes on the floor of the Pacific Ocean spewed out molten lava, which eventually cooled off and formed large resort hotel complexes.

We eat a lot on long trips because we feel our bodies are less likely to become bored if they can pass the time converting food into fat.

Kansans are still proud of their state’s rough-and-tumble tradition, and will often greet a stranger by warmly breaking a chair over his head.

Massachusetts (also an Indian word, meaning “place that is hard to spell”) is one of the most historic states in the union.

Massachusetts is also the site of the nation’s first college, Harvard, which for more than three centuries has produced graduates who, no matter what their philosophical differences, are all dedicated to the lofty goal of subtly letting you know that they went to Harvard.

Michigan is best known for being the place where, in 1896, Henry Ford built the first commercially successfully automobile, using parts manufactured by the Toyota Corporation.

Nebraska was not always a bed of roses. When the first settlers arrived, they found a harsh, unforgiving place, a vast, treeless expanse of barren, drought-parched soil. And so, summoning up the dynamic pioneer spirit of hope and steely determination, they left.

There are no laws at all in Nevada. Even murder is legal, but it rarely happens, because people get distracted. A guy will be on his way to kill somebody, and he’ll pass a slot machine, and he’ll figure, what the heck, so he’ll put in a quarter, and pretty soon he’s broke and has to pawn his gun to get more quarters.

Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.

Elvis Presley, whose Memphis home, Graceland, draws millions of visitors to marvel at The King’s awesome legacy in the field of interior decoration, including a large room with a color scheme based entirely on digestive enzymes.

Washington is nicknamed “The Evergreen State” because it sounds better than “The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State.”

Mount Rainier, an extraordinary beautiful volcanic peak some fifty miles from the city, blew up in 1963, but nobody in Seattle is aware of this yet because the weather has been pretty cloudy.

There are also a number of humans living up there (Canada), and in many ways they have a lifestyle quite similar to ours, including such traditional American activities as driving Japanese cars.

These Indians built numerous ruins that can still be seen today, as well as a number of major pyramids, which were made by lifting enormous stones and which served as monuments to Xinzthiznclxn, the God of Hernias.

There was finally a revolution, and today Mexico is a modern happy nation of 90 million people, 87 million of whom currently reside in Los Angeles.

Although from the outer space Europe appears to be shaped like a large ketchup stain, it actually consists of many small separate nations, each with a proud and ancient tradition of hating all the other ones.

The Greeks, aided by a warm climate, had invented geometry, and they used this advanced knowledge to conquer the surrounding cultures by piercing them with the ends of isosceles triangles.

The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.

The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying “Roman Ruins” and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.

Many travel experts recommend that you take a piece of chalk and place a distinctive mark on each cathedral you visit, because sometimes the tour guides, as a prank, will take a group to the same one five or six times in a single afternoon.

There is really nothing at all primitive about European medical care except that in some countries they practice it in foreign languages, meaning you run the risk of entering the hospital complaining of an inflamed appendix and coming out as a member of a completely different gender.

European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.

The first rule of travel finance is that no matter what is going on elsewhere in the world, the dollar is always getting weaker where you are. By the time you’ve spent a couple of days in a foreign country, the natives will be blowing their noses on the dollar.

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

Finland has long been a popular destination with travelers who enjoy the feeling of knowing that if their car breaks down, they could be eaten by wolves.

Finland is also the home of the sauna, which is a wooden box in which you subject your body to extreme heat, which causes you to become very relaxed, unless of course the door gets stuck, in which case it causes you to become lasagna.

Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave men and women who have died trying to visit it, which we do not recommend because it’s located in the middle of La Place de la Traffic coming from All Directions at 114 Miles Per Hour.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

They have wonderful beer in Germany, and they serve it in containers so large that, in other nations, they would be used as shelters for the homeless.

Democracy, which is made up of two Greek words, “demo,” meaning “people,” and “cracy,” meaning “wearing stupid hats.”

The Greeks also gave us the Pythagorean theorem, although after we graduated from high school we gave it back.

This nation (Italy) is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.

Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.

Many times the other nations didn’t even mean to invade Poland; one night they’d simply forget to set the parking brakes on their tanks, and they’d wake up the next morning to discover that, whoosh, they had conquered Poland.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles against the prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

I'm recommending a major recreational vehicle, the kind that has a VCR-equipped recreation room and consumes the annual energy output of Syria merely to operate the windshield wipers.

Remember the Old Traveler’s Saying: “You may lose your money and your health and your sanity and some important organs, but they can't take away your travel memories unless they hit you hard on the head.”

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Humorous Quotes from Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide you'll ever needBy Dave Barry

Have you checked out this super book? Click Here

Have you checked out this super book? Click Here

Have you checked out this super book? Click Here

Humorous Quotes from
Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide you'll ever need
By Dave Barry

Have you checked out
this super book?

Click Here

Have you checked out
this super book?

Click Here

Have you checked out
this super book?

Click Here