Humorous Quotes from
By George Burns
- I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need
all the preservative I can get.
- Mae (West) and I had the same sense of humor, but different
deliveries. With that way of speaking she had, Mae could make anything sound
naughty. One time she ran into Gracie in Beverly Hills, and said, “How’s
George?” Gracie came home and wanted to divorce me.
- I like girls with glasses – especially if one is for me.
- To me, Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% good writers.
- I’m a nice quiet, soft-spoken, 89 year old man. I played
“God” – three times – without makeup.
- I don’t believe in casual affairs, I’m very formal. I even
wear spats and a tie when I take a shower.
- If you want to lose 170 pounds right away, get rid of that
rude husband of yours.
- We were seven sisters and five brothers, we were too poor to
be fat. Our big Sunday night dinner was bread and gravy. And you had to be
very careful not to get your fingers in the gravy or somebody would eat
- (Answering the question that he was that he was still on
TV shows, commercials, nightclubs, movies and at his age, how did he keep
it up?) My manager, Irving Fein, helps me.
- From your parents’ point of view it is not your body, they
built it before you moved in.
- That’s an old line, too. Look, I'm 89, what do you want me
to have – new stuff?
- There’s an old saying that anyone who defends himself has a
fool for an attorney.
- I had a brother who thought four heads were better than one,
but he had a hat store.
- Houdini was the greatest escape artist in the world. He could
get out of locked steamer trunk in thirty seconds. He went into Mae West’s
dressing room once and couldn’t get out for two days.
- It was not until the second time I saw Bob Hope’s act that I
knew he’d become a star. The first time I saw Bob Hope’s act Milton
Berle was doing it.
- (Answering the question why he never does nude scenes) In The
Sunshine Boys I appeared topless – no toupee. In Going in Style I appeared
bottomless – no shoes. Sorry, kid, that’s as far as I go. If I smoke my
cigar without a holder on it, I catch cold.
- (answering someone who commented that he liked variety in bed)
If you like Variety, read Variety. If you don’t like Variety, read The
- If you put dirty things on paper, you can get sued, unless
you're a canary.
- I’ll tell you where to find a Spanish fly – on Julio
- The secret of a good sermon is having a good beginning and a
good ending. And having them as close together as possible.
It's true, left-handed people have always been picked on. When you take on
oath, they say, “Raise your right hand.” What does that mean, that
left-handed people are liars?
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