Humorous Quotes from
Phyllis Diller's Marriage Manual
By Phyllis Diller
- Dedicated to my darling husband, Warde Donovan, the Richard Burton of the Geritol set.
- One of my friends who is happily married has a husband so ugly she met him when a friend sent him over to her house to cure her hiccoughs.
- Whatever you may look like, it's wise to marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades so will his eyesight.
- If your husband gets fired as often as Fang, I will pass on this important tip. When he calls and says he’s bringing the boss home to dinner, don’t start getting it ready until 5:30.
- Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
- Perhaps the greatest lesson I’ve learned is that SELF-PITY IS BETTER THAN NONE.
- I was sort of tricked into marrying. One night I was out with Fang and a girl said, “You better hand on to him.” I thought I had a prize. I didn’t know she meant that after one drink he falls down.
- I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
- Fang told me he was a self-made man. It wasn’t until later that I discovered that he would have been wise to get some help.
- When I met Fang the earth stood still. The earth started up again, but he stood still and never did get going.
- I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, “You must develop some mechanical skills – like getting out of bed.”
- Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days’ trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.
- Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
- Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.
- Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake – even when it’s hot and being spilled on him.
- Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.
- He must have a Teflon brain – nothing sticks to it.
- Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.
- Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
- Once I was telling a friend, “Fang admits he is insanely jealous of me.” Fang spoke up and corrected me, “What I said was ‘If I were jealous of you I’d be insane.’”
- You’ll always know if anything is going on. People pretend they don’t want to tell you, but they’re all dying to. I had a friend who was raving about her husband and said, “You know he’s too good to be true,” and three people said, “Oh, you’ve heard.”
- Even though you realize how happy it would make others, don’t let anyone know how you really get along. Say things like- “We just marked out tenth wedding anniversary.” Don’t add, “We marked it with a circle on the calendar and threw darts at it.”
- I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
- ...marital danger signals ...He borrowed money from the bank to send you on a vacation and called it a Home Improvement Loan.
- Remember – never go to bed mad. Fang and I never did. However, one year we were up for nine months.
- Try to remember to say “please” when you tell him to “shut up.”
- Teach him to fight fair during arguments. I hate nasty little things like when Fang says, “Well, then, it’s just my word against your 2,000.”
- If you're divorced and remarried don’t be constantly belittling your ex-husband. Concentrate on the present one.
- Even if opportunity knocks, it better be pretty darn loud or Fang won't wake up.
- When he proposed he said, “We’ll make such beautiful music together,” but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.
- Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
- Once Fang took pep pills and they worked – the only time he ever ran to bed.
- Once I had the most wonderful dream – I dreamed mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn’t afford one.
- My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
- Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.
- Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
- Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
- But, Officer, I’ve had loads of experience – 150 hours in driving tests alone. You're wasting the taxpayers’ money by not passing me. I could be out paying fines.
- Policeman: The driver that hit you said he didn’t notice you coming.
Phyllis: Didn’t notice me? How could he miss me? I was the only car entering through an exit.
- When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.
Have you checked out
this super book?
Have you checked out
this super DVD?
Back to Humorous Quotes
WorkingHumor.com now has a Facebook Page. It's still a baby, hasn't learnt how to dance yet
but maybe you're the one we're waiting for, to get the party started ;o!
Check it out here