Humorous Quotes from
Dirty Jokes and Beer
By Drew Carey
- The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head.
- I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet.
- The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.
- I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.
- I'm not good in bed. Hell, I'm not even good on the couch.
- You don't know what humiliation is until you've shown up on your first day of junior high in moon boots and a snow suit that your mother got on sale during the summer. I looked like a demented astronaut.
- Anything that didn't protect you from the elements was a cool thing to wear. Frostbite was the ultimate status symbol.
- I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio.
- No matter how many people die from living in it, driving in it, or shoveling it, there's one great thing about snow that no one will deny: It can cancel school.
- I watched reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies, Bewitched, Branded, and every game show I could find. Then I'd watch the Prize Movie, and then Merv Griffin came on. Why go to school when you can get an education like that at home?
- Every election I have to hold my nose to vote.
- All the major networks spend thousands of dollars on parties for the TV critics hoping to influence their opinions of the new fall shows. Except for the WB (Warner Brothers). I think the WB just sends them cash directly.
- Hey, can we take a picture of you guys for our dart board?
- All of his notes come several times a week on a very official-looking, don't-argue-with-us form.
- It went all the way up to Neil's bosses and their bosses, and the people
above that. I think it finally may have been discussed with God.
- Besides being superbowl weekend, it was also the first weekend of Mardi Gras. The streets were packed with drunks like it was a Kennedy family reunion.
- Everybody in New Orleans, it seems, is more than happy to display whatever sexual body part they've got, as long as they can get that nickel's worth of beads for their trouble.
- I still don't know how they did it. I mean, showing your body is one thing, but having sex in front of a crowd of strangers? I can't even use a public restroom if there's someone standing at the stall next to mine.
- The whole spectacle disturbed me enough to order two more beers and chug them.
- ...kept shaking her head and mouthing the word no. "No?" I thought to myself. I didn't realize that such a word existed in New Orleans.
- They (people in New Orleans) never said "no," unless the question was, "Are you ready to stop partying and go home?"
- I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.
- I'm just telling you about it so you can have an example of how the tabloids operate. They lie. And if they don't make up a lie themselves, they'll print whatever lies someone else has told them.
- Some genius once said that show business is like high school with money, and that's exactly what it's like.
- Never believe a review from a celebrity coming out of a movie premier.
- In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."
- I could fire everybody and take credit for all of their ideas, and put my
name on any script I wanted for a writing credit I didn't deserve. I mean, I'm the star. But what would be the point? I'm trying to put on the best television show I can, not win first prize in an asshole contest.
- I let a stripper talk me into getting my nipples pierced. It didn't take her
much to convince me. It doesn't take women much to talk me into doing anything, really. She was beautiful, I'd seen her naked. . . that's all it
- Just because a guy has a shaved head, pierced nipples, and doesn't have sex with women doesn't make him gay. It just makes him down on his luck.
- I think that the only reason God created Parma was so us sophisticates in Cleveland could mock it.
- Making everyone think that I had something going on with my life took up most of my days back then. You can't believe how much hard work it is con people into thinking that you're productive and busy.
- I discovered that Christmas is not a religious holiday at all. Go ahead and look it up if you want to. Christmas is not in the Bible.
- Jesus never put up a tree and exchanged gifts, or left cookies out for
Santa. He never made a harried last-minute trip to the mall, or spent
Christmas Eve night cursing at a toy that he couldn't put together. He
celebrated Passover. So, if you want to be more like Jesus, pass the matzo.
- Jesus was born all right, but he wasn't born on December 25th. I know
because it says so in the Bible. He was born while the "shepherds watched their flocks by night," which was probably no later than October.
- I was employed as a Professional Food Server. That's a waiter to those of you who never got out.
- He was a guy to tell jokes with, see a movie, shoot the shit. He never came to me with a problem, and I never came to him. We were so superficial and breezy with each other that it was almost the perfect friendship.
- You look like you buy your make up from an undertaker.
- Hey, here's a tip for you: The next time you have the world by the balls, don't twist them.
- An Italian chick named Shawnetta. Oh well. A rose by any other name might still want to get freaky with me.
- When I got to my house a minute later, it looked like it had been used as a demonstration for a vandalism class.
- We're only in a Dodge Omni! We couldn't outrun a kid on a skateboard!
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