Humorous Quotes from
Don't Shoot, It's only Me
By Bob Hope
Note : More Quotes from the same book
- If I had my life to live over again, I wouldn't have the strength.
- I come from a family of seven boys, and the only thing we all had in common was that none of us ever won the Academy Award. Of course the others weren't really trying.
- I just read the last few paragraphs over. That's the longest I've ever gone without a laugh . . . on purpose.
- I've worked on some stages where, if you made an exit stage left, you were captured . . .
- (In the days of FDR) Doctors were making house calls for five dollars, and were available twenty-four hours a day. They hadn't learned to play golf yet.
- Since by that time I was used to eating, I had to get another job.
- Hundreds of lives were saved when I failed to get into medical school.
- I decided to hire the best writing staff I could find; actually, I paid them
more than any of the other comedians were paying writers at the time. And their jobs were steady. Very steady. Sometimes twenty-four hours a day.
- Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers. . .
- Well, gas rationing went into effect all over the country today. But here I
am on the air, anyway. . .
- The closer we got to enemy fire, the louder the laughter. If it started
getting hysterical, I knew it was time to dive for a foxhole.
- I've been digging a bomb shelter under my cellar and I can't quit now. The tunnel almost reaches Hedy Lamarr's house. . .
- I spent a lot of my time on the Victory Caravan with Grant, Jimmy Cagney, Charles Boyer, and Spencer Tracy. It was really a tough trip. You were lucky if you could mention your own pictures once every half hour.
- There was no arrangement for sleeping at AFRS. All the sleeping was done at typewriters.
- The Army doctors filled our time by inoculating us against every disease
known to man and a few known only to horses, judging by the size of the needles.
- Whoever said "There are no atheists in foxholes" had it right.
- In my own mind, I was nobody's hero; I was just a comic willing to take chances to find an audience that would laugh at anything.
- At most basis it was typical Army chow. Half the time we expected it to
crawl off our plates.
- And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them. We didn't know that in America after the war, you wouldn't be able to get into a sushi joint without a reservation. And we thought they lost.
- We played for a lot of marines on our U S O tour to the South Pacific. I
won't say I did a lot of flying, but ever since I came back, I sleep with my nose under my left arm. . .
- On the way over, we skimmed about ten feet above the waves. I asked the pilot, 'What's the idea?' and he said, 'We can't go any higher. The tail gunner's doing out laundry.'
- Of the more recent Presidents, I've known most of them personally, played golf with them, and learned they all have a sense of humor, or they wouldn't be in politics. Or try to play golf.
- When 1945 dawned, history was moving so fast we hardly had time to write monologues about it.
- If I sound bitter, its from long practice.
- On April 9, 1950, I finally went on NBC with my own TV show for Frigidaire. They were very generous with me. They told me I could have my salary any way I wanted it, big or little cubes.
- The soldiers gave them a standing ovation when they left the base. They had to. There weren't any chairs.
- (In 1949) Bikinis were introduced. Never had so little done so much for so many.
- The GI's weren't officially allowed to think about girls. At night, a
sergeant walked through the barracks and woke up anybody with a smile on his face.
- Many historians have traced the progress of the campaign (Adlai Stevenson's in 1960) through my monologue jokes. Others are still employed.
- I was at another college, Georgetown University, in Washington, speaking at my son Tony's graduation - funny how I get invited to speak at all the schools that wouldn't let me in when I was younger.
- Humor is the greatest weapon in the world against demagogues and tyrants. How long would Genghis Khan have lasted if Woody Allen had done a number of him?
- Demagogues can't survive humor. Truly great men, like Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, and the other Presidents I have known, thrive on it.
- Democracy is like a marriage made in heaven; that's the only place it might work.
- (About the sputnik) I'd like to congratulate the Russian scientists but I
don't speak German.
- Our Pioneer IV moon shot was only partly successful. The rocket stayed down but Cape Canaveral went up. The second shot got off the ground, but it missed the moon and went into orbit around the sun, giving NASA a cosmic headache.
- During the Eisenhower Administration, the U.N. held an important meeting in New York and invited Khrushchev, Castro, and Nasser to discuss how the world could get rid of people like Khrushchev, Castro and Nasser.
- The Supreme Court had just gone the other way, banning praying in schools. Now kids were going to have to study to get good grades.
- I don't understand why they won't let children pray in schools, but they put Bibles in motels. Who has time to pray in a motel?
- I remembered the good old days when a student would write home, "Dear Dad, I got an 'A' in business management, send money for laundry." Now they were writing, "Flunked picketing. Send bail."
- This is the first war (Vietnam) that's ever been televised home in color. Aren't you G.I.'s nervous? Do you realize that if you don't get a big rating, the sponsor will get sore and the war will be canceled?
- I saw some marines eating a plate of nails. The sissies were the ones who had to put salt on them. . . .
- Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?
- In fifty-one years, I've never missed a show because of illness. No matter how sick of me NBC gets, I show up.
- People ask me why I don't retire and go fishing. I have one stock answer that sums it all up. Fish don't applaud.
Bob Hope on People http://workinghumor.com/quotes/dontshoot02.shtml
Bob Hope on Places http://workinghumor.com/quotes/dontshoot03.shtml
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