Humorous Quotes about
Drinks/Drunks/Wine/Liquor/Alcohol

Definitions :

An alcoholic has been lightly defined as a man who drinks more than his own doctor. ~ Alvan L. Barach

For :

Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.~ Lord Byron

The best audience is one that is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk. ~ Alben W. Barkley

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts. ~ Finley Peter Dunne

Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks. ~ P.J. O'Rourke (The Bachelor Home Companion)

Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it’s very selective. It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint. ~ P.J. O'Rourke (The Bachelor Home Companion)

There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't. ~ William Faulkner

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. ~ W. C. Fields

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. ~ W. C. Fields

Don't you drink? I notice you speak slightingly of the bottle. I have drunk since I was fifteen and few things have given me more pleasure. ~ Ernest Hemingway

And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man. ~ A. E. Housman

I drink to forget I drink. ~ Joe E. Lewis

I'd hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ~ Dean Martin

Candy, is dandy, but Liquor, is quicker. ~ Ogden Nash

I only drink to make other people seem more interesting. ~ George Jean Nathan

What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for. ~ Irish Proverb

There are more old drunkards than old physicians. ~ Francois Rabelais (Gargantua)

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. ~ Bernard Shaw

Against :

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.” ~ George Carlin (When will Jesus bring the Porkchops?)

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. ~ Lady Nancy Astor

This is the great fault of wine; it first trips up the feet: it is a cunning wrestler. ~ Titus Maccius Plautus

A drinker has a hole under his nose that all his money runs into. ~ Thomas Fuller

In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes. ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry's Greatest Hits)

Caution :

Never accept a drink from a Urologist. ~ Erma Bombeck

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. ~ Joe E. Lewis

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~ Dean Martin

A hangover is something to fill a head that was empty the night before. ~ Anon

Comments :

Some men are like musical glasses; to produce their finest tones you must keep them wet. ~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge

When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk. ~ Sir Richard Burton

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has ever found a way to drink for a living. ~ Jean Kerr

I'm not so think as you drunk I am. ~ John Squire

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. ~ Mark Twain

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober. ~ William Butler Yeats

You can't be a Real Country unless you have a Beer and an airline -- it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a Beer. ~ Frank Zappa

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. - George Burns

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression. ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry hits below the beltaway)

When I finally embraced abstinence it was because of the simple urge to work a longer day. Thus, without joining Alcoholics Anonymous, I was at last able to leave Piss-Artists Notorious. ~ Clive James (Falling towards England)

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