Humorous Quotes from
Marx Brothers' Duck Soup
- Margaret Dumont: As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you
with open arms.
Groucho: Is that so? How late do you stay open?
- Groucho: You can leave in taxi. If you can't leave in taxi you
can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a
- Groucho: You haven't stopped talking since I came here! You
must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!
- Groucho: Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer
the second question first.
- Groucho: Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this
room and I think it's you.
- Groucho: I could dance with you till the cows come home. On
second thoughts, I'd rather dance with the cows till you came home.
- Margaret Dumont: Notables from every country are gathered here in your
honour. This is a gala day for you.
Groucho: Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle
- Groucho: If you think this country's bad off now, just wait
till I get through with it.
- Chico: My partner - he's got a nose just like a
bloodhound ... and the rest of his face don't look so good either.
- Groucho: Why, a four-year-old child could understand this
report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head or tail
out of it.
- Edwin Maxwell : Sir, you try my patience!
Groucho: I don't mind if you do. You must come over and try mine some
- Edgar Kennedy: I'll teach you to kick me!
Chico: You don't have to teach me. I know how.
- Groucho: Do you want to be a public nuisance?
Chico: Sure. How much does the job pay?
- Groucho: You give up that silly peanut stand and I'll get you a soft
government job. Now, let's see . . . How would you like a job in the mint?
Chico: Mint? No, no, I no like-a mint. Uh . . . what other flavour you
- Louis Calhern: I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.
Groucho: It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.
- Chico: Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?
- Prosecutor: When were you born?
Chico: I don't remember. I was just a little baby.
- Groucho: Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and
look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
- Zeppo: General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.
Groucho: Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate in half a glass of water.
- Groucho: Do you realize our army's facing disastrous defeat? What do you
intend to do about it?
Chico: I've done it already.
Groucho: You've done what?
Chico: I've changed to the other side.
- Chico: I wouldn't go out there unless I was in one of those big iron
things go up and down like this. What do you call those things?
Chico: You're welcome.
- Groucho: Remember you're fighting for this woman's honor -
which is probably more than she ever did.
- Groucho: Rush to Freedonia. Three men and one woman are trapped in a
building. Send help at once. If you can't send help, send two more women.
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