Humorous Quotes from
By Woody Allen
- Needleman was constantly obsessing over his funeral
plans and once told me, "I much prefer cremation to burial in the
earth, and both to a weekend with Mrs. Needleman"
- He differentiated between existence and Existence,
and knew one was preferable, but could never remember which.
- Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the
only place to get a good steak.
- The good people sleep better, while the bad ones
seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- The night was windy and dark, and Cloquet had a split
second to decide if he would risk his life to save a stranger. Unwilling to
make such a momentous decision on an empty stomach, he went to a restaurant
- It is impossible to travel faster than light, and
certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
- Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space
is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who
can never remember where they have left things.
- It should be recalled that when we talk of
"life" on other planets we are frequently referring to amino
acids, which are never very gregarious, even at parties.
- More than any other time in history, mankind faces a
crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to
total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
- Put in it's simplest form, the problem is: How is
possible to find meaning in a finite world given my waist and shirt size?
- True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the
genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man
of eighty is left in a room with two eighteen-year-old cocktail waitresses
- Can the human soul be glimpsed through a microscope?
Maybe - but you'd definitely need one of those very good ones with two
- We know that the most advanced computer in the world
does not have a brain as sophisticated as that of an ant. True, we could say
that of many of our relatives but we only have to put up with them at
weddings or special occasions.
- True, science has taught us how to pasteurize cheese.
And true, this can be fun in mixed company - but what of the H-bomb? Have
you ever seen what happens when one of those things falls off a desk
- I often think how comforting life must have been for
early man because he believed in a powerful, benevolent Creator who looked
after all things. Imagine his disappointment when he saw his wife putting on
- He believed everything in existence occurred by pure
chance with the possible exception of his breakfast, which he felt certain
was made by his housekeeper.
- Unfortunately our politicians are either incompetent
or corrupt. Sometimes both on the same day.
- The Government is unresponsive to the needs of the
little man. Under five-seven, it is impossible to get your Congressman on
- Figures tell us that there are already more people on
earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano.
- I made a list of my faults, but could not get past :
1) Sometimes forgets his hat.
- If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat
bills would be?
- Suddenly, and with a clarity one usually associates
with LSD, my course of action became apparent.
- "In order to be a writer," Maugham
continues, "one must take chances and not be afraid to look foolish. I
wrote The Razor's Edge while wearing a paper hat...."
- She possesses a speech impediment so audibly juicy
that to be near her when she pronounces a word like "sequestered"
is equivalent to standing at the center of a monsoon.
- Connie Chasen and I had taken to each other in a way
that would not be denied and one brief hour later were thrashing
balletically through the percales, executing with total emotional commitment
the absurd choreography of human passion.
- How does anyone ever stay married for forty years? This, it seems, is more
of a miracle than the parting of the Red Sea, though my father, in his naiveté,
holds the latter to be a greater achievement.
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