Humorous Quotes about
England / The English

Here was my first lesson on the resolutely maintained untidiness and ill-health of the English upper orders. In baggy evening dress and old before their time, they displayed gapped and tangled teeth in loosely open mouths. Gently shedding dandruff, they lurched across the lawn. When they stood at the bar they looked like Lee Trevino Putting. ~ Clive James (Falling towards England)

Dinner was meat – not hunks of meat, as in Australia, but pathetic scraps of meat, as in Britain – which the girls upstairs transformed into edible dishes by heating it in secret ways and adding bits of stuff to it. ~ Clive James (Falling towards England)

In London there was no home cooking worthy of the name. When you were in funds you ate out. But only the people whose faces appeared in such publications as Town and Queen could afford to eat in restaurants serving food which would leave them looking and feeling better instead of worse. ~ Clive James (Falling towards England)

In recent years, perhaps encouraged by competition from McDonald’s, the British hamburger has become a credit to the nation. At the time of which I speak, it looked like a scorched beer-coaster or a tenderized disc brake. ~ Clive James (Falling towards England)

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English. ~ Dave Barry (The only Travel Guide you'll ever need)

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria. ~ Dave Barry (The only Travel Guide you'll ever need)

They have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing to eat English food, much of which was designed and manufactured in medieval times during the reign of King Walter the Mildly Disturbed. ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry Talks Back)

English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son. ~ Dave Barry (Dave Barry Talks Back)

Uncle Walt is crying and not trying to hide it, because he’s a Jew and Mediterranean. He’s not afraid to show his emotions. He figures it’s better to cry from the eyes, than let your duodenal ulcer cry like the Anglo-Saxons. ~ Dave Berg ((My Friend God))

There is a feeling which persists in England that making a sandwich interesting, attractive, or in any way pleasant to eat is something sinful that only foreigners do. ~ Douglas Adams (So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish)

A Tribute to the British Hamburger...
When you cut it up, put the pieces in your mouth and swallowed them, the British hamburger shaped itself to the bottom on your stomach like ballast, while interacting with your gastric juices to form an incipient belch of enormous potential, an airship which had been inflated in a garage. This belch, when silently released, would cause people standing twenty yards away to start examining the soles of their shoes. The vocalized version sounded like a bag of tools thrown into a bog. ~ Clive James (Falling towards England)

People on the continent either tell you the truth or lie; in England they hardly ever lie, but they would not dream of telling you the truth. ~ George Mikes (How to be an Alien)

The English have no soul; they have the understatement instead. ~ George Mikes (How to be an Alien)

Continental people have sex life; the English have hot-water bottles. ~ George Mikes (How to be an Alien)

When a wicked and unworthy subject annoyed the Sultan of Turkey or the Czar of Russia, he had his head cut of without much ceremony; but when the same happened in England, the monarch declared : "We are not amused". ~ George Mikes (How to be an Alien)

The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex – unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today. ~ George Mikes (Boomerang)

The proverbial Englishman, we know from old chronicler Froissart, takes his pleasures sadly, and the Englishwoman goes a step further and takes her pleasures in sadness itself. ~ Jerome K Jerome (Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow)

London is great, they tell me. I wouldn’t know. I couldn’t see it through the rain and fog. ~ Joey Adams (Cindy and I)

An Englishman without his umbrella is like Churchill without a cigar. It’s jolly well unthinkable, old chap! ~ Joey Adams (Cindy and I)

I realized why the English are big tea drinkers. Just taste their coffee and you’ll see the reason. ~ Joey Adams (Cindy and I)

When Elizabeth II succeeded to the throne of England the reigning joke was, “Big deal: she got the job through relatives." ~ Joey Adams (Cindy and I)

The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence. ~ Oscar Wilde

If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't deserve to have any. ~ Oscar Wilde

The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable. ~ Oscar Wilde(A Woman of No Importance)

Now in England if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun so if you commit a crime it's "Stop, or I'll say stop again!" ~ Robin Williams

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. ~ Somerset Maugham

England has two books, one which she has made and one which has made her: Shakespeare and the Bible. ~ Victor Hugo

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Humorous Quotes about England / The English

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Humorous Quotes about
England / The English

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