Humorous Quotes from
By Woody Allen
- It is no secret that organized crime in America takes
in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum,
especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office
- The Cosa Nostra is structured like any any government
or large corporation - or group of gangsters for that matter.
- Death, incidentally, is one of the worst things that
can happen to a Cosa Nostra member, and many prefer simply to pay a fine.
- Can we actually "know" the universe? My
God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
- The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind
- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down
payment on a house.
- Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it.
- Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber
- Smiling is bad form unless the composer has intended
the music to be funny, as in Till Eulenspiegel, which abounds in musical
jokes (although the trombone has the best lines.)
- If a girl looks more at home in a jar of wine sauce
than in an evening gown she's got big problems.
- Why pork was proscribed by Hebraic law is still
unclear, and some scholars believe that the Torah merely suggested not
eating pork at certain restaurants.
- How curious your last letter was! Well-intended,
concise, containing all the elements that would appear to make up what
passes among certain reference groups as a communicative effect, yet tinged
throughout by what Jean-Paul Sartre is so fond of referring to as
- Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
- If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in
food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this
new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.
- Standing next to me was a nerve-shattering blonde,
who waxed and waned under a black chemise with enough provocation to induce lycanthropy in a Boy
- I was unable to get a date on only six weeks' notice.
- An evening of pantomime - one of the only spectator
events outside of a fire that he could hope to understand.
- He spends most of his time writing, and is currently
revising his autobiography to include himself.
- Freud's death according to Ernest Jones, was the
event that caused the final break between Helmholtz and Freud, and the two
rarely spoke afterwards.
- Helmholtz had developed an experiment where he would
ring a bell and a team of white mice would escort Mrs. Helmholtz out of the
door and deposit her on the curb.
- In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat
you. For ten marks, he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen
marks, Freud would let you treat him.
- If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat
bills would be?
- I don't believe in afterlife, although I am bringing
a change of underwear.
- I am quite confident my fierce loyalty, which can
only be described as canine, will pay off.
- I like being a private eye, and even though once in a
while I've had my gums massaged with an automobile jack, the sweet smell of greenbacks makes it all
worth it. Not to mention the dames, which are a minor preoccupation of mine that I rank just ahead of breathing.
- The Jews were into God for a lot. It was the old
protection racket. Take care of them in return for a price. And from the way Rabbi Wiseman was
talking, He soaked them plenty.
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