Humorous Quotes from
Getting Even
By Woody Allen

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

The Cosa Nostra is structured like any any government or large corporation - or group of gangsters for that matter.

Death, incidentally, is one of the worst things that can happen to a Cosa Nostra member, and many prefer simply to pay a fine.

Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Smiling is bad form unless the composer has intended the music to be funny, as in Till Eulenspiegel, which abounds in musical jokes (although the trombone has the best lines.)

If a girl looks more at home in a jar of wine sauce than in an evening gown she's got big problems.

Why pork was proscribed by Hebraic law is still unclear, and some scholars believe that the Torah merely suggested not eating pork at certain restaurants.

How curious your last letter was! Well-intended, concise, containing all the elements that would appear to make up what passes among certain reference groups as a communicative effect, yet tinged throughout by what Jean-Paul Sartre is so fond of referring to as "nothingness."

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.

Standing next to me was a nerve-shattering blonde, who waxed and waned under a black chemise with enough provocation to induce lycanthropy in a Boy Scout.

I was unable to get a date on only six weeks' notice.

An evening of pantomime - one of the only spectator events outside of a fire that he could hope to understand.

He spends most of his time writing, and is currently revising his autobiography to include himself.

Freud's death according to Ernest Jones, was the event that caused the final break between Helmholtz and Freud, and the two rarely spoke afterwards.

Helmholtz had developed an experiment where he would ring a bell and a team of white mice would escort Mrs. Helmholtz out of the door and deposit her on the curb.

In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks, he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks, Freud would let you treat him.

If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?

I don't believe in afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I am quite confident my fierce loyalty, which can only be described as canine, will pay off.

I like being a private eye, and even though once in a while I've had my gums massaged with an automobile jack, the sweet smell of greenbacks makes it all worth it. Not to mention the dames, which are a minor preoccupation of mine that I rank just ahead of breathing.

The Jews were into God for a lot. It was the old protection racket. Take care of them in return for a price. And from the way Rabbi Wiseman was talking, He soaked them plenty.

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