Humorous Quotes from
By Bill Cosby
- Having a child is surely the most
beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
- There is something about babyness that
brings out the softness in people and makes them want to hug and protect
this small thing that moves and dribbles and produces what we poetically
- The arrival of a baby coincides with
the departure of our minds.
- She was a college graduate, a child
psychology major with a B-plus average, which means, if you ask her a
question about a child’s behavior, she will give you eighty-five percent
of the answer.
- We were well prepared for natural
childbirth, which means that no drugs can be given to the female during
delivery. The father, however, can have all he wants.
- Like every man, of course, I had no
understanding of how a labor pain really feels. Carol Burnett said, “If
you want to know the feeling, just take your bottom lip and pull it over
- I guess the real reason that my wife
and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia:
it seemed like a good idea at the time.
- Except for the cost of the child, which
my lead you to consider joining organized crime, fathering is easier today
than it was when I began.
- You know why John D. Rockefeller had
all that money? Because he had only one child, so he didn't have to spend
ninety thousand dollars on Snoopy pens and Superhero mugs and Smurf pajamas
and Barbie Ferraris.
- Calvin (Klein) is the slick operator
who sells your kids things for eighty-five dollars that cost seven at Sears.
He has created millions of tiny snobs, children who look disdainfully at you
and say, “Nothing from Sears.”
- The two most important things to the
American female are man’s prevention of nuclear war and man’s putting
the toilet seat down.
- Mothers who have experience in the
trenches of family warfare are sometimes even driven to what I call
anticipatory parenting. They ask a child a question, he tries to answer, and
they say, “You shut up! When I ask you a question, you keep your mouth
shut! You think I'm talking to hear myself talk? Answer me!”
- I am not a physicist, but I'm sure that
the theory of the conservation of energy was discovered while watching an
eight-year-old pretend to work.
- Whenever your kids are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not
extend to His kids.
- After creating the heaven, the earth,
the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the
first thing He said to them was “Don’t.”
- To be fair, however, I must admit that
from time to time children do like to share with siblings. For example, once
in a while a brother will try to remove his sister’s arm so he can play
- For the last nine million years, ever
since the first child crawled out of the slime [where his mother had told
him not to play] ...
- This is a boy whose mind goes out of
neutral only when giving reasons why he didn’t turn in his work on time.
- He is in a fine school now with four
teachers for every child – two in front and two in back.
- Then, however, he suddenly waxed
articulate and said, “Dad, I want to be able to control my own destiny.”
“Oh, God,” I said, “does this mean LSD?”
- My son, who was twelve at the time, had
sent me on a trip to the end of my rope. He had taken up a new hobby: lying;
and he was doing it so well that he was raising it to an art.
- The American father cannot be trusted
to put together combinations of clothes. He is a man who was taught that
the height of fashion was to wear two shoes that matched.
- Even General Patton would have lacked
the courage to give his mother soap-on-a-rope.
- Mothers, in fact, organize the
day (Mother's Day) as precisely as Patton planned and attack. They make a
list of things they want, summon their children, and say, “Go see your
father, get some money from him, and surprise me with some of these.
- Nothing separates the generations
more than music.
- Today’s parents grew up with the
silly notion that music was meant to be heard.
- The greatest advantage of top volume
was that I couldn’t hear the grownups when they came in to tell me to
turn that crap down.
- I use the word idiot only in the
narrow automotive sense, for my daughter is one of the brightest people
her school has ever seen avoid work.
- In spite of all the scientific
knowledge to date, I have to say that the human animal cannot be the most
intelligent one on earth because he is the only one who allows his
offspring to come back home.
- Look at anything that gives birth:
eventually it will run and hide. After a while, even a mother elephant
will run away from its child and hide. And when you consider how hard it
is for a mother elephant to hide, you can appreciate the depth of her
I was wrong when I said that the big expense for you would be buying a
car. Let us now discuss the cost of college – unless you would rather
do something more pleasant, like have root canal work.
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