Humorous Quotes from
Without Feathers
By Woody Allen

Following are excerpts from the hitherto secret private journal of Woody Allen, which will be published posthumously or after his death, whichever comes first.

Last evening I had the uneasy feeling that some men were trying to break into my room to shampoo me.

Idea for story : A man awakens to find his parrot has been made Secretary of Agriculture.

Why does a man kill? He kills for food. And not only for food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not "the thing with feathers". The thing with feathers has turned to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

What is it about death that bothers me so much? Probably the hours.

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

One by one, his old friends pay their respects, and he greets them with a handshake or a slap on the back, depending on which way they are facing.

Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it."

To question the Lord's word is one of the worst things a person can do, particularly with the economy in the state it's in.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

He was shaking like the lead singer in a rumba band.

There was a knock on my door. I opened it, and standing there was a young redhead who was packed into her slacks like two big scoops of vanilla ice cream.

I turned and suddenly found myself standing face to face with business end of a .38

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable, with the possible exception of a moose singing "Embraceable You" in spats.

Its (a tree's) glorious presence is mute testimony to an intelligence far greater than any on earth, certainly in the present administration.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Civil liberties are greatly curtailed in a police state, and freedom of speech is unheard of, although one is allowed to mime to a record.

It is well known that Mahatma Gandhi's insistence on eating his salads untossed shamed the British government into many concessions.

The trick is to start at the ending when you write a play. Get a good strong ending and then write backwards.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

I think, therefore I am. Or better yet, I feel - I have an orgasm.

The theater is for entertainment. There's an old saying, if you want to send a message, call Western Union.

Astronomers talk of an inhabited planet named Quelm, so distant from earth that a man traveling at the speed of light would take six million years to get there, although they are planning a new express route that will cut two hours of the trip.

He had been a precocious child. An intellectual. At twelve, he had translated the poems of T.S.Eliot into English, after some vandals had broken into the library and translated them into French.

What's the world coming to when they have a bomb that can kill more people than one look at Max Rifkin's daughter?

He emerged from the hotel and walked up Eight Avenue. Two men were mugging an elderly lady. My God, thought Weinstein, time was when one person could handle that job.

Dr. Klein, his analyst, got him to see that jumping in front of a moving train was more hostile than self-destructive but in either case would ruin the crease in his pants.

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