Humorous Quotes from
By Woody Allen
- Following are excerpts from the hitherto secret
private journal of Woody Allen, which will be published posthumously or
after his death, whichever comes first.
- Last evening I had the uneasy feeling that some men
were trying to break into my room to shampoo me.
- Idea for story : A man awakens to find his parrot has
been made Secretary of Agriculture.
- Why does a man kill? He kills for food. And not only
for food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other
letters in her name.
- How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not "the
thing with feathers". The thing with feathers has turned to be my
nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.
- How can I believe in God when just last week I got my
tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter.
- What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- If only God would give me some clear sign! Like
making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- What is it about death that bothers me so much?
Probably the hours.
- There is no question that there is an unseen world.
The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
- One by one, his old friends pay their respects, and
he greets them with a handshake or a slap on the back, depending on which
way they are facing.
- Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord,
"Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast a good job.
Don't blow it."
- To question the Lord's word is one of the worst
things a person can do, particularly with the economy in the state it's in.
- The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the
calf won't get much sleep.
- He was shaking like the lead singer in a rumba band.
- There was a knock on my door. I opened it, and
standing there was a young redhead who was packed into her slacks like two
big scoops of vanilla ice cream.
- I turned and suddenly found myself standing face to
face with business end of a .38
- Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is
perhaps the most remarkable, with the possible exception of a moose singing
"Embraceable You" in spats.
- Its (a tree's) glorious presence is mute testimony to
an intelligence far greater than any on earth, certainly in the present
- Death is one of the few things that can be done as
easily lying down.
- Money is better than poverty, if only for financial
- Civil liberties are greatly curtailed in a police
state, and freedom of speech is unheard of, although one is allowed to mime
to a record.
- It is well known that Mahatma Gandhi's insistence on
eating his salads untossed shamed the British government into many
- The trick is to start at the ending when you write a
play. Get a good strong ending and then write backwards.
- What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's
dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
- I think, therefore I am. Or better yet, I feel - I
have an orgasm.
- The theater is for entertainment. There's an old
saying, if you want to send a message, call Western Union.
- Astronomers talk of an inhabited planet named Quelm,
so distant from earth that a man traveling at the speed of light would take
six million years to get there, although they are planning a new express
route that will cut two hours of the trip.
- He had been a precocious child. An intellectual. At
twelve, he had translated the poems of T.S.Eliot into English, after some
vandals had broken into the library and translated them into French.
- What's the world coming to when they have a bomb that
can kill more people than one look at Max Rifkin's daughter?
- He emerged from the hotel and walked up Eight Avenue. Two men were mugging
an elderly lady. My God, thought Weinstein, time was when one person could
handle that job.
- Dr. Klein, his analyst, got him to see that jumping in front of a
moving train was more hostile than self-destructive but in either case
would ruin the crease in his pants.
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Have you checked out
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