Humorous Quotes attributed to Fred Allen
1894-1956, American Comedian, Radio Star
- A celebrity is a person who works hard all of
their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being
- A conference is a gathering of people who
singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a
woman with his hat on.
- A telescope will magnify a star a thousand
times, but a good press agent can do even better.
- An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion
and 15 percent commission.
- California is a fine place to live -- if you
happen to be an orange.
- Ed Sullivan will last as long as someone else
- Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns;
he should be drawn and quoted.
- He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a
pin it would blind him in both eyes.
- I can't understand why a person will take a
year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
- I didn't make it in television because of ill health. I made people sick.
- I don't have to look up my family tree,
because I know that I'm the sap.
- I don't want to own anything that won't fit
into my coffin.
- I learned law so well, the day I graduated I
sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
- I like long walks, especially when they are
taken by people who annoy me.
- I've finally figured out why they call television a
medium. It's because nothing in it is well done.
- Life, in my estimation, is a biological
misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose
only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
- Most of us spend the first six days of each
week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop
- Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in
church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
- The first thing that strikes a visitor to
Paris is a taxi.
- The first time I sang in the church choir; two
hundred people changed their religion.
- The last time I saw him he was walking down
lover's lane holding his own hand.
- There's an old saying that if all the
politicians in the world were laid end to end, they'd still be lying.
- There are two kinds of jokes, funny jokes and
Jack Benny jokes.
(To a member of the audience who started laughing before he'd delivered
his punchline) Which one are you working on ?
(To Bob Hope) Pardon me, is that your nose or have I misplaced my pig.
(To the world's foremost authority on eagles) I am a man who hears no
eagle, sees no eagle, speaks no eagle.
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
When I take off this superman tweed I'm so skinny underneath. When I take
a bath I have to starch my ears to keep from going down the drain.
- When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are back
in the cat.
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