Humorous Quotes attributed to Fred Allen
1894-1956, American Comedian, Radio Star

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.

Ed Sullivan will last as long as someone else has talent.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

I didn't make it in television because of ill health. I made people sick.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I've finally figured out why they call television a medium. It's because nothing in it is well done.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

There's an old saying that if all the politicians in the world were laid end to end, they'd still be lying.

There are two kinds of jokes, funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

(To a member of the audience who started laughing before he'd delivered his punchline) Which one are you working on ?

(To Bob Hope) Pardon me, is that your nose or have I misplaced my pig.

(To the world's foremost authority on eagles) I am a man who hears no eagle, sees no eagle, speaks no eagle.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

When I take off this superman tweed I'm so skinny underneath. When I take a bath I have to starch my ears to keep from going down the drain.

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are back in the cat.

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