Humorous Quotes from
My Friend God
By Dave Berg

I came from a very rundown neighborhood. It’s called earth.

With all the billions of people in this world, less than one half of one percent are Jews. Yet of all the Nobel prizes won, approximately 20% went to Jews. Does that mean Jews are smarter than anyone else? Hell no! It just means Jews are less stupid than anyone else.

Thirteen Jews started the Catholic church. Today it’s one of the richest organizations in the world. If Jews are so smart, how come they let all that money get out of their hands?

The old joke tells about the astronauts. When they returned from outer space, a reporter asked the spacemen, “Did you see God up there? “Yes, She’s Black.”

Another old story tells about this very observant and ritualistic Jew who was loudly complaining to God – who else would listen?

A teacher once asked a student, “What’s the approximate age of our earth?” The student scratched his head and said, “God only knows!” The teacher replied, “For you, zero. For God, one hundred percent!”

Uncle Walt is crying and not trying to hide it, because he’s a Jew and Mediterranean. He’s not afraid to show his emotions. He figures it’s better to cry from the eyes, than let your duodenal ulcer cry like the Anglo-Saxons.

Nobody likes Jews. Except God. And sometimes I wish He wouldn’t like us so much. He keeps sending people to kill us, so that we can go to heaven and keep him company.

You know what’s been said about history. “In history, nothing is true, except names and dates. In fiction, everything is true, except names and dates.”

I in no way wish to offend Christianity, since it comes fully from Judaism. As Pope Pius said, "Spiritually, we are all Jews." So you see, you don't have to be Jewish to be Jewish. But it helps.

Love is not the opposite of hate. Love and hate are very similar emotions. Like a faucet with hot and cold handles, both temperatures of water come out of the same faucet. The opposite of love is indifference. Like a faucet with no water coming out.

How the hell did the Jews ever get to be the chosen people? Did God say, “Eenie, Meenie, Minie Moe, Catch a Phoenician by the toe, if he hollers let him go”? Maybe the Phoenicians hollered. So God let them go.

The witticism “Jews are like everyone else, only more so” is a put-down of everyone else and is untrue. That is implying that “Everyone is like Jews, only less so!”

Favorite Long Quote/Extract
God went to the Egyptians and said, "I have a commandment for you!" "Like what?" "Like, THOU SHALT NOT KILL." "Are you outta your mind? We got an Industrial Military Complex going. That would put us out of business." So God went to the Babylonians and said. "I have a commandment for you." "Like what?" "Like THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY." "Are you outta your mind? We got a group sex thing going. And let me tell you, the grass on someone else’s wife is always greener." So GOD went to Moses and said, "I have a commandment for you." "How much is it?" "Nothing." "Good, then I'll take ten.”

I flew on a EL AL airplane. The signs read: “No smoking.” “Fasten seat belts.” “Eat, eat, look how bad you look!”

Are the Israelis friendly? Don't ask! If you are lost in Israel and ask directions, they don’t tell you. They take you, then you both get lost.

If you're in an American city, and you see two people with their arms around each other one of them is being mugged.

Students in Israel don’t riot. They're too busy arguing what to riot about.

When I have to make a decision I ask God's opinion. If He doesn't say “No,” then I do it.

Education is a wonderful thing. It broadens your horizon, so you know just what to drop out from.

What if Jesus is the Messiah? And he makes his much promised Second Coming. And he appears first on a campus. How are we going to know which is the real Christ?

You students say, “The establishment stinks.” The adults say, “The students stink.” I say, “We all stink.” Including me, that’s why I carry around a deodorant.

I'm at peace with God. I'm at peace with myself. It’s people that give me trouble.