Humorous Quotes attributed to George Burns
1896-1996, American Comedian, Radio Star, Actor
- Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
- Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates
husbands and wives.
- By the time you're eighty years old you've learned
everything. You only have to remember it.
- Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
- Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not
everything that's down can come up.
- First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her
like I did.
- For forty years my act consisted of one joke.
And then she died. (Gracie)
- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city.
- Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman
. . . or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand.
- I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there
was so little of it.
- I can't afford to die; I'd lose a fortune. (All my best
- I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather
hear me drink scotch.
- I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.
- I'd announced that I was going to sing and all our
guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I'd manage to fight
my way through that ring and sing anyway.(Gracie)
- In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't
addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over
- If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made
because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
- It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I
can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
- Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on
X-rays, but you know it's there. (Gracie)
- Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
- Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated
because there are fewer articles to read.
- Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
teacher was in my class for five years.
- There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
- Too bad that all the people who know how to run the
country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
- We had asked Jack Benny to give the bride away, but
Jack said he never gave anything away. (Gracie)
- When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said,
"No ... he's dead.''
- When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you
bring your own rocks.
- You've got to be honest; if you can fake
that, you've got it made.
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