Humorous Quotes attributed to George Carlin
1937- , American Comedian

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone’s eyes out. (Napalm and Silly Putty)

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good. (Napalm and Silly Putty)

An art thief is a man who takes pictures. (Napalm and Silly Putty)

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I get a load of good ideas. The problem is most of them suck.

I have a good relationship with God. I don't understand Him. He doesn't understand me.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea. (Napalm and Silly Putty)

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

If honesty was suddenly introduced into American life, the entire system would collapse.

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? (Napalm and Silly Putty)

If you nail two things together that have never been nailed together before . . . some shmuck will buy it from you.

I'm a visionary. I'm ahead of my time. Problem is I'm only about one and a half hours ahead.

Live and let live, that's what I say. Anyone who can't understand that should be killed. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked well in our family. (Napalm and Silly Putty)

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Poor people used to live in slums; Now the economically disadvantaged occupy substandard housing in the inner cities.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing. (Napalm and Silly Putty)

Thanks to the fear of death in this country I won't have to die . . . I'll pass away!

That's the way it is in our family . . . If you want to commit suicide, we back you up!

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got into a fight over some neckwear.

The whole secret to life is . . . not dying!

They ought to have two new requirements for being on the police - intelligence and decency.

They want to put the street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals.

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league, bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all time champion of false promises and exagerated false claims - Religion.

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke. (Napalm and Silly Putty)

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