Humorous Quotes from
Never Sniff A Gift Fish
By Patrick McManus
- For years my fly-casting technique was compared, rather banally I might add, to an old lady fighting off a bee with a broom handle.
- Doc Snodgrass had taken up pipe smoking as a young man and turned it into a highly successful career eventually rising to the position of dean.
- It is my considered opinion that if intelligence were crankcase oil, his would not have wet the tip of the dipstick let alone reached the add-one-quart mark.
- I salved my injuries with emergency first aid, which consisted largely of defoliating all the flora within a five-foot radius by hissing a stream of colorful expressions, and hopping about like a rain dancer trying to terminate a five-year drought.
- A wife who chortles is an irritation, but one who also regards herself as a wit is a social nuisance.
- Scholars have long known that fishing eventually turns men into philosophers. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to buy decent tackle on a philosopher's salary.
- My research paper, "Levitation: A Roommate's Response to a Garter Snake in His Bed," caught the fancy of a psychology professor...
- Rancid lived in a little cabin in the woods behind our place when I was a boy, and since his time was free of all forms of gainful employment, he was able to devote himself to philosophy for up to twelve hours a day, not including cleaning and eating the catch.
- Smoked carp tastes just as good as smoked salmon when you aint got no smoked salmon.
- I left the house so fast the screen door twanged for a week.
- I tried to explain to Bun how to interpret the terminology used in wild food books. For example, edible does not mean “good to eat.” Edible means only that you won't flop over with your face in your plate when you take a bite of the stuff.
- Mom looked up from her bowl of gruel at breakfast, as we jokingly referred to it, and announced, “Well, we’ve finally hit rock bottom. Things just can't get any worse.” We soon discovered that Mom lacked the gift of prophecy.
- Spending several days trapped in close quarters with a person who had cabin fever toughened me up a lot psychologically. A couple of years later, when I saw the movie Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, I thought it was a comedy.
- My wife and I were but a few years out of college and already surrounded by babies of our own making – a simple, inexpensive hobby that had somehow gotten out of hand.
- I was writing for all the big-name, high-paying national magazines. Unfortunately, they never bought anything I wrote.
- It seemed likely that he was thinking of firing me. Never before had I worked at a job where I had even the slightest fear of being fired. (Usually, the news came as a total surprise.)
- I laughed and playfully snatched his motorcycle helmet and held it high overhead. He made some sounds of annoyance but finally managed to get the chin strap loose and dropped to the ground.
- I remember the Texan I guided up into the Hoodoo Mountains. He had money written all over him. After that I could never stand to look at another tattoo.
- It is very dangerous to tell lost hunters knock-knock jokes, because sometimes they will charge you without warning and attempt to stuff used socks in your mouth. That is why you never go into the mountains without a good supply of ironic remarks.
- As the years went by, Buck’s IQ continued to plummet, eventually leveling out at what he termed average but what I would judge to be a whole lot closer to the intelligence of asparagus than of genius.
- What Buck didn’t know about hunting dogs you could fit in the eye of a needle and still poke a camel through.
- The moral most of my friends and I drew from the cherry tree story wasn’t that George Washington was so honest but that his father was a bit slow.
- If a kid today received a hatchet for Christmas, he would ask, “Where do you put the batteries?”
- He is soft-spoken, polite, does everything in moderation, and in general seems to be a perfect gentleman. Otherwise, he is a pretty decent sort of guy.
- Every scar has a story behind it. I have heard some scar stories approximately the length of Churchill’s A History of the English-Speaking Peoples, but such brevity is rare.
- We had both been sentenced to second grade and were due to start serving our time the following week.
- The route of the cows’ departure was marked in later years by an unusually lush growth of grass.
- Some people are stingy with their knowledge and try to hoard it but not Buck. He handed his out freely and voluminously and endlessly, at all hours of the day or night, whether one was in the market for knowledge or not.
- For a man with sixteen years of education, Retch was surprisingly ignorant. True, all sixteen years were spent in grade school, but he should have learned something.
- The backseat of my new compact sedan is so small and cramped we have to grease the children to get them in and out of it.
- “Listen,” I told him, “I know for a fact a strange life form can originate in a backseat.” “Let’s not get personal,” he snapped.
- The average hunter doesn’t have time to work out at a gym. Instead, he must slave away at two or three jobs in order to pay for all the expensive paraphernalia that makes serious hunting possible – jewelry, furs, fancy dresses, and the like. Otherwise, there’s no way his spouse is going to let him spend all his spare time out hunting.
- We ran into three characters whom Rancid regarded as unsavory, which is to say that they were known to engage in activities the old woodsman despised – regular jobs.
- The infliction of the average family camping trip on prisoners of war would be considered a violation of the Geneva Convention. On the other hand, it is considered perfectly all right, and even fun, for a father and mother and their young children to subject themselves to the same experience.
- As a youngster I was never without a fishing rod or shotgun in hand, which was awkward at church and while taking baths, but otherwise a great way of life.
- At the tender age of twenty-five, I was struck down by the necessity of having to take a regular job. As a result of this catastrophe, my hunting and fishing were limited to weekends and sick leave, the latter so frequent that my boss would have fired me if he hadn’t thought I was terminally ill and would be leaving soon anyway.
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