Humorous Quotes from
A Gift of Laughter
By Allan Sherman

In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.

In Hollywood if you are not working, you are a leper. True, you are probably living in the most expensive leper colony in the world ...

Success is like winning the sweepstakes or getting killed in an automobile crash. It always happens to somebody else.

When the great history of trouble is written, my family will stand extremely high in the table of contents.

She (Grandma) had a heart full of love and kindness and humor - and a wide streak of petty larceny.

His (Grandpa's) doctor once told him that if he didn't stop drinking immediately, he would die. And he did die - twenty six years later he died, having outlived everybody who was sober, including his doctor.

She (Grandma) blamed the 1929 market crash on my grandfather, personally. At first he argued the point, but after a while he got used to it and admitted it was his fault.

Grandma cheated whenever she could. She cheated because it was a much more scientific and surer way of winning than trusting to luck.

Even if Scrabble had been invented then, I wouldn't have wanted to play Scrabble, because the highest triple word score in the world would not have expressed how much I liked the game Natalie and I played every afternoon.

A Clock Gable I knew I wasn't.

Our act started at the bottom and went downhill.

I had moved out of the Edison Hotel because I couldn't pay the bill and was living at the Lincoln Hotel, where I couldn't pay the bill either, but it was cheaper.

After the Lincoln Hotel people showed their colors by demanding payment, we turned our back on them. We moved out.

I was having trouble making ends meet, and my beginnings weren't meeting either.

I phoned the man in charge of writers at MCA and said, "I realize you can't get me a job writing. In fact, you will be relieved to hear that I am thinking of giving up writing. Perhaps you can switch me to somebody who won't be able to get me a job acting?"

They sit there in committees day after day
And they each put in a color and it comes out gray.

Favorite Long Quote/Extract

And we all have heard the saying, which is true as well as witty,
That a camel is a horse that was designed by a committee.

I didn't decide I was crazy until 1952. That's when I began making a steady salary and could afford to be crazy.

Four times I looked for psychiatric help, and each time I arrived at the inescapable conclusion that the psychiatrist was crazier than I was.

You want to fall in love with a shoe, go ahead. A shoe can't love you back, but, on the other hand, a shoe can't hurt you too deeply either. And there are so many nice-looking shoes.

I have always lived beyond my means. I am still trying to live beyond my means, but it is getting harder all the time. I am very rich.

When the great history of horticulture is written I will be listed among the absent.

One night Uncle Maury suggested to the Putterer that perhaps he had planted the bulbs upside down and would have to go to China to see his tulips.

The whole city (Los Angeles) gives you the impression of impermanence. You have the feeling that one day someone is going to yell. "Cut! Strike it!" and then the stagehands will scurry out and remove the mountains, the movie-star homes, the Hollywood Bowl - everything.

Jackson's (Sherman's 2 yr old beagle's) maners were impeccable until he cased us and found out that he was the boss. At once he began to jump on the furniture and pee on the rugs.

Jackson is a veritable Richard Burton of a dog. He likes girl dogs and they like him, and he frequently disappeared for two or three days and then he'd return looking smug.

In the event you wish to swim; bring a bathing suit and a towel. Luckily, we have a pool.

Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage.

At first I only used the Scotch to flavor the seltzer. Then I left out the seltzer altogether and only retained the ice cubes with the Scotch. Today, I am proud to say, I have emancipated myself from all such crutches. I drink my Scotch straight.

The only choreography I have in my act is where I walk about ten feet, from stage right to stage left. Then I say, "You may be wondering why I went from over there to over here. Well, that was choreography."

Somewhere, over the rainbow, Way up tall,
There's a land where they've never heard of cholesterol.

Nothing fazes Nancy. She's always laughing and singing and happy. She's popular and well adjusted and gets straight A's in school. Where did we go wrong? Why isn't she crazy like the rest of the family?

My new Sex Image was an immediate hit. Richard Burton hasn't spoken to me since. Or before either, for that matter.

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