Humorous Quotes from
The Goon Shows
(BBC Radio Show with Spike Milligan, Harry Secombe, Peter Sellers, etc)

Fill the horses up with three gallons of hay. (The Call of the West)

Now, where's the rent?
In my trousers.
(The Call of the West)

Is it night or day?
Fool. That sort of thing is only for the rich.
(The Call of the West)

Fortunately for us folks, a bare ten miles away, the US 6th cavalry were in the area. And a bare ten miles in America is equal to three fully-clothed miles in France! (The Call of the West)

Where's your buffalo hide?
He's hiding behind that tree mate.
(The Call of the West)

Japan has surrendered, end of World War II. Book now for World War III (The Fear of Wages)

Oh, just this one. It's thirsty work this drinking, you know. (The Fear of Wages)

England can't declare war on English troops.
Why not? Everyone else does.
(The Fear of Wages)

This flea has bitten all the crown heads of Europe -- and sometimes lower than that! ~ (The Flea)

A Navy, my lord, is an army entirely surrounded by water! ~ (The Flea)

Major, you're not going to run away from the enemy?
Well, there's no point in running away from anyone else, is there?
~ (The Man who never was)

I left the building with my head held high and my feet held higher.
In that position, we threw him out.
~ (The Man who never was)

You must excuse my filthy hands but I've just been washing my face. ~ (Napoleon's Piano)

I remember when it all started. At the time I was asleep in my electrified elephant hammock, when through the pigeon hole flew a carrier pigeon. There was something strapped to its leg - it was a postman. ~ (The Whistling Spy Enigma)

You've been hiding under a - The disgrace! You know very well we British only hide under first class seats. ~ (The Whistling Spy Enigma)

I've never been so insulted in all my life!
Come now, with a face like that? You must have been!
~ (The Whistling Spy Enigma)

Now then Seagoon, what made you join the army?
An armed escort and two military policemen.
~ (The Nasty Affair at the Burami Oasis)

The Affair of the Lone Banana - not a pretty story, I fear; still, the BBC will buy this cheap trash. ~ (The Affair of the Lone Banana)

Inspector, you must find my son - you must - I don't care how much money you spend - in fact, I'll chip in a few bob myself. ~ (The Affair of the Lone Banana)

I was lead through a bead curtain and across a floor, so cunningly laid that no matter where you stood it was always under your feet. ~ (China Story)

In the darkness we sat huddled on the fiendish Chinese river-steamer, the silence broken only by the sound of the silence being broken. ~ (China Story)

I would like to draw your attention to page fifty-two of this week's Radio Times. It shows a three-quarter rear view of a lady wearing a pair of corsets. We would like to point out that this is an advertisement and not a programme, though I must say it might be the basis of a jolly good show. ~ (China Story)

The man who was going to plant the bomb has got cold feet.
I told you not to send a man without socks. ~ (The Case of the Missing Heir)

But this idiot is English.
Is there any other kind?
~ (The Case of the Missing Heir)

I don't want people to think that I'm illiterate.
Why not? You have the personality to carry it off.
~ (The Case of the Missing Heir)

I was on my way to London town, when my horse took ill with a puncture. Have you a telephone? ~ (Queen Anne's Rain)

I’m the town crier!
Well start crying then.
~ (Queen Anne's Rain)

Wait! You two men claim that the sky is leaking? What proof have you?
Water proof!
~ (Queen Anne's Rain)

Spike Milligan Quotes Quotes from Spike Milligan Interviews

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