Humorous Quotes attributed to Jack Paar
1918-2004, American Comedian, Talk Show Host
- A funny thing happened to my mother one day: Me. (I kid you not)
- Al Jolson got a fine sun burn this week, all except that one knee of course.
- For years I couldn't get a sponsor and now I have so many commercials I'm afraid to take a bow for fear NBC will sell an ad on top of my head. (I kid you not)
- I have been a success. I'm as amazed as you are.
- I have never seen a bad television program, because I refuse to. God gave me a mind, and a wrist that turns things off.
- I look upon parties as surpassed only by bubonic plague and rock 'n' roll singers among the ills afflicting mankind. (I kid you not)
- I saw Hope and his writer's coming out of his office one day, it looked like recess at UCLA.
- I'm not saying these flying discs don't really exist, but nobody living in Kansas City has seen them and that's a dry state.
- I'm against psychiatry -- for me, anyway. I haven't got any troubles I can't tell standing up.
- I've been engaged in a few skirmishes in my day, including one called World War II. (I kid you not)
- Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
- In an interview Errol Flynn said that his hobby was acting but he doesn't have time for it.
- It's almost impossible to dislike me because I do nothing.
- Jack Benny went to the water this week. He doesn't swim, just wades upto his money belt, you know.
- Last week I decided to go to the movies, so I got a GI loan and bought a ticket.
- Looking back, my life so far seems like one long obstacle race, with me as its chief obstacle. (I kid you not)
- Personally, I like those mystery shows. Ever since I was a kid I've been crazy about blood and detectives and murder. Maybe I was born with a silver knife in my back.
- Poor people have more fun than rich people, they say; and I notice it's the rich people who keep saying it.
- The California cemeteries make dying sound so attractive it's a real effort to keep breathing. (I kid you not)
- There's something disquieting about a banzai charge if you're allergic to noisy Japanese. (I kid you not)
- To those of you affected by the rent control bill welcome to the great outdoors.
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