Humorous Quotes attributed to Jay Leno
1950- , American Comedian, TV Talk Show Host
- A Brown University graduate student in biology is wanted now for
allegedly stealing a herpes virus from the university lab. That's when
you know you're a nerd, when you have to steal the herpes virus instead
of going out and catching it in the wild like everyone else.
- A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
- According to a new study, children that snore get lower grades;
especially if they're snoring in class.
- According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider manís best friend is his dog.
- According to a poll, 76% of men said they would not get serious with a
woman who had sex with them on a first date. although, they said they would be extremely serious about getting a second date.
- Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a warmonger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.
- An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself.
- Baywatch's Pamela Anderson is going to star in her first feature length
film. She plays the part of a bounty hunter. Here's how it works: Once men find out she's after them, they turn themselves in.
- CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three
parts: regular, premium and unleaded.
- Fishing, to me, was like a nap with a stick. (Leading with my Chin)
- For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
- For the first time in five years, street crime is up. Just on one street, though - Wall Street!
- For the past few days, Congress has been debating the ethics of cloning. For many in Congress this is their first experience with the subject - not with cloning, but ethics.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
- Good-looking lawyers earn 14% more than unattractive lawyers. That makes sense. If you know you're going to get screwed, wouldn't you prefer a good-lookng person?
- Headline: Trees can break wind
- Here's another sign the economy isn't doing well: plastic surgeries down
12% this year. That's what they mean when they say the economy could get ugly.
- I'll admit it: I have a big head. It's just large. Always was. Other kids
were fascinated with my head. Not so much with its lack of content, but with its actual size. (Leading with my Chin)
- In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was
like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and
living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts.
- My teacher, Mr. Simon, wrote on my report card: "Jay has the ability, but does not apply himself. If Jay spent as much time studying as he does trying to be funny, he would be a great comedian." (Leading with my Chin)
- Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can't get elected because he's just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn't know anything about running the government. Didn't hurt George Bush.
- President Bush said that he is worried that Iraq could be overrun by
religious fundamentalists. Hey, if it's good enough for the Republican
Party, it's good enough for Iraq.
- President Clinton said he looked forward to the day a citizen could call
the IRS and get the right answer to a question. I look forward to the
day I can call the IRS and get a voice that says, "Sorry, that number
has been disconnected."
- Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there.
- Saying we are in a slow recovery, not a recession, is like saying we
don't have any unemployed, we just have a lot of people who are really
late for work.
- Scientists in China now say they want to start cloning panda bears to save them from extinction. The best part is, it won't cost much because panda bears are black and white. Color duplicates are much more expensive.
- The Bush Administration said there is a lot of support out there for us
to attack Iraq. A lot of people are for us - Exxon, Mobil, Texaco,
- The Bush Administration said there will be a delay in restoring a newly
elected democratic government in Iraq. However, they said the delay will not be as long as the one we have had in this country.
- The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
- The first woman I remember opening for was called Miss Cow - in reference to her very obvious attributes. (Leading with my Chin)
- The point is any idiot can have a life. If you're breathing you've got a
life. (Leading with my Chin)
- The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
- The reports today say prostitution has returned to the streets of Baghdad. They've gone from a no-fly zone to an open-fly zone.
- The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.
- The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq. Why
don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200 years, and we
don't appear to be using it anymore, so what the hell?
- The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
- There's a new book out now that lists all the foreign countries that hate
or resent the United States. It's called the World Atlas.
- There's a new type of alarm clock on the market. It makes no noise. It
uses lights and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already
have one of these. It's called a window.
- They all sat down at a table to watch the other acts, some of which were so filthy you literally had to be a gynecologist to understand them. (Leading with my Chin)
- Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder.
- Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
- War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They
were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized
that spells 'OIL.'
- We have now captured all of Saddam Hussein's palaces and residences; he has no place to live! If he thinks Bush was hard on him before, wait till Saddam sees how Republicans treat the homeless!
- You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.
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