Humorous Quotes attributed to Jimmy Durante
1893-1980, American Comedian, Singer
- (ad-libbing with Bob Hope) When it comes to noses, you're a retailer. I'm a wholesaler!
- Be awfully nice to them going up, because you're gonna meet them all coming down.
- Everybody wants to get inna de act.
- I went inta the Automat today and I put a lead nickel inta the slot and
whattya think comes out? The manager.
- I'm da only man in America who can smoke a cigar in da shower.
- Ladies and Gentlemen, you are under no obligation to laugh. However, if you don't, we have a brand new audience warming up in the basement.
- Me and my big mouth !! I'd get rid of it, only it's such a handy place to
keep my teeths.
- My nose isn't big. I just happen to have a very small head.
- My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Now you know that you can't go wrong ...
If you start each day with a song.
- (replying whether he'd read The Encyclopaedia Britannica) No, I'm waiting for them to make a picture out of it.
- The street is amuck with vehicles ... and automobiles too.
- (to his orchestra) Stop da music, stop da music! You're supposed to follow da music, not chase it all over da place.
- Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.
- Treacher (Arthur), if anybody ever puts a price on your head ... take it!
- Victor, the housing situation in this country is abdominable, why it's enough to give you an inferiority duplex.
- What did Napolean do for relaxation? He read a book. What did Lincoln do for relaxation? He read a book. What does Congress do for relaxation? They book a red.
- (when accused on splitting an infinitive) I don't just split 'em. When I
goes to woik on 'em, I breaks 'em up in little pieces.
- (when told that every comedian at some time in their life wants to play
Hamlet) Nah, not me. I don't care if I never play one a dem small towns ever again.
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