Humorous Quotes from
I Kid you not
By Jack Paar
- John (Reddy) has been writing for years, and has the rejection slips to
- Son of Lady Chatterley's Lover had obvious commercial advantages (as a title for this book), but it impugned the marital status of my parents, something that enough critics were already doing.
- From Madison Avenue in New York to Beverly Hills's Wilshire Boulevard, psychiatrists' couches are sagging under the weight of actors pouring out their life stories.
- My personality is not split; it's shredded. I once had a secretary who left the show to get married and wrote me a note saying: "I loved working for a team like you."
- A funny thing happened to my mother one day: Me.
- In New York, people were killing themselves jumping out of skyscrapers after the stock market crash. In Jackson, Michigan, where the buildings were much shorter, people were jumping out of windows and spraining their ankles.
- In those days the Late Show meant that the neighbors had forgotten to pull down their blinds.
- I had been in love with gaudy uniforms. It seemed that destiny had marked me either to save my country or be an usher at the Roxy Theater.
- War is hell, as General Sherman said, and World War II made me simply furious. At first I was going to sit the whole thing out, but I volunteered for the draft in 1942.
- There's something disquieting about a banzai charge if you're allergic to
- All of you men turn in your helmets tonight - we're taking the rear-view
mirrors off the jeeps and putting them on your hats so you can see the
lieutenants during combat.
- The reason I like to have these heart-to-heart talks with the troops is that I want the officers to realize that we're all in the same boat. . . . Only I'm tired of doing all the rowing.
- Hollywood, we decided, was a nice place to die, but we wouldn't want to live there.
- The California cemeteries make dying sound so attractive it's a real effort to keep breathing.
- It was plain to see the Hollywood undertakers take care of everything. If you die you don't have to lift a finger.
- Marilyn (Monroe) spoke in a breathless way which denoted either passion or asthma.
- She (Marilyn Monroe) wore dresses with the necklines cut so low it looked as though she had jumped into her dress and caught her feet on the shoulder straps.
- The program had a very good Hoover rating. It showed there were more vacuum cleaners turned on when I was on than at any other time.
- Trouble just seemed to follow me. When trouble wasn't following me, I was leading it!
- For years I couldn't get a sponsor and now I have so many commercials I'm afraid to take a bow for fear NBC will sell an ad on top of my head.
- Then there was the time in Hollywood when I sat down in a breakaway chair and it collapsed on me. I was nearly knocked out and might have been even more seriously hurt but my fall was broken by the smog.
- I can't seem to resist saying what I think in a way not exactly conducive to winning a Dale Carnegie medal for tact.
- Well, I don't care how dangerous and powerful Jimmy Hoffa is. If he wants to sue me he'll have to stand in line like everyone else.
- I was in Philadelphia once, but it was closed.
- She (Marilyn Monroe) invited me to pose for a calendar with her but I forgot the date.
- I've been engaged in a few skirmishes in my day, including one called World War II.
- Elsa (Maxwell) drops enough names on the average show to fill a phone book the size of Bangor, Maine's and she doesn't mind how hard she drops them.
- I do not agree with everything she (Elsa Maxwell) says but, as Voltaire
said, she'll say it anyhow.
- I look upon parties as surpassed only by bubonic plague and rock 'n' roll singers among the ills afflicting mankind.
- Elsa (Maxwell) has little regard for money and sometimes has no idea where her next caviar and champagne are coming from.
- He (Jack Douglas) is a glum, craggy faced man whose expression runs the gamut from mourning to despair. With his gloomy demeanor he could give sadness lessons to a bloodhound.
- Jack (Douglas) was a pioneer among comedy writers. Long before the so-called "sick" comedians were heard of, Jack was writing jokes that even the Mayo Clinic couldn't cure.
- Her (Genevieve's) English is not merely broken; its absolute shattered.
- It is hard to tell which has more candlepower, Zsa Zsa's (Gabor) dazzling smile on her array of diamonds.
- Her (Zsa Zsa Gabor's) engagement ring looked so heavy I suspect she had to starch her finger to support it.
- Oscar Levant, a devout hypochondriac who has carried on a lifelong romance with himself, has probably gotten more mileage out of being miserable than anyone since Job.
- ...Variety and the Hollywood Reporter, two publications read more faithfully in Hollywood than the Koran is in Mecca.
- I have never seen eye-to-eye with Walter (Winchell) since the only way you can do that is to stoop to keyhole level.
- Mr. (Walter) Winchell let his lie grow, and any farmer knows what makes things grow.
- We had hoped to have Ernest Hemingway as a guest but he was tied up on a book. Later I learned he was reading it - not writing it.
- We were ensconced as guests of the exclusive Beverly Hilton Hotel, an
edifice so swank that the fire ax in the hall outside our suite said: "In
case of fire-break crystal."
- The maids at the hotel were terribly efficient. If you wanted one to come in and fix up your room all you had to do was put up the sign saying: "Please Do Not Disturb."
- There was one advantage to the jammed Freeway. If you ran out of gas you could still go twenty-five miles on the group plan.
- Disneyland is such a big thing to Californians, I discovered that when you cross the border you have to raise your right hand and take an oath that you believe in Walt Disney.
- The only non-believer I encountered was Oscar Levant who wouldn't visit Disneyland because he said he had his own hallucinations.
- At Disneyland there is absolutely no waste; you have a ticket for
everything. At one point Randy fell down and a man said she'd have to have three blue tickets to get up.
- Randy and I were goggle-eyed as we gazed over the wonders of what Walt Disney had wrought. It was a magnificent demonstration of what God could do if He had more imagination.
- Looking back, my life so far seems like one long obstacle race, with me as its chief obstacle.
- Life has also been very good to me. Unlike most actors, I have something put away for a rainy day. I have a safety deposit box full of galoshes. I have a wonderful wife and daughter, and a pleasant home. I have some good friends and some enemies anyone could be proud of.
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