Humorous Quotes from Henny Youngman's
How do you like me so far

I just finished filling out my income tax form. Who said you can't get wounded by a blank?

The doctor opened the window wide. He said, "Stick your tongue out the window." I said, "What for" He said, "I'm mad at my neighbors."

Can she talk! She was in Miami, and when she got home, her tongue was sunburned.

She needed a blood transfusion. We had to give up the idea. Couldn't find a tiger.

My wife went to the beauty shop and got a mud pack. For two days she looked nice. Then the mud fell off.

The way she looks in the morning! She ran after the garbage man and said, "Am I too late for the garbage?" He said, "No, jump in."

One year he went in the breeding business. He tried to cross a rooster with a rooster. You know what he got? A very cross rooster.

All you married men, want to drive your wives crazy? When you go home, don't talk in your sleep - just grin.

Things were rough when I was a baby. No talcum powder.

My father was never home, he was always away drinking booze. He saw a sign saying "Drink Canada Dry." So he went up there.

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but she abused the privilege.

I flew my own plane for two years. Then the rubber band broke.

A woman driver hit a guy and knocked him six feet in the air. Then she sued him for leaving the scene of the accident.

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

I wouldn't say her bathing suit was skimpy, but I saw more cotton on top of an aspirin bottle.

Somebody once asked me, "Henny, do you like bathing beauties?" I said, "I don't know, I never bathed any."

I took my car down to see what I could get for it on a trade-in. One dealer took a look at it and offered me a ball-point pen.

I took a look at my tires the other day. I've seem more rubber on the end of a pencil.

I just solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car.

She puts that mud on her face before going to bed at night. I say, "Goodnight, Swamp."

If you had your life to live over again, don't do it.

If I'm not in bed by eleven at night, I go home.

Two Kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, "Gee, I hope it doesn't rain today. I just hate it when the children play inside."

What good is happiness? It can't buy you money.

The income tax people are very nice. They're letting me keep my own mother.

My brother-in-law has an allergy. He's allergic to work.

The traffic was so heavy people were driving bumper to bumper. I pushed in my cigarette lighter and the woman in the car in front of me said, "Ouch!"

Saw something funny in the paper today. "Father of 14 Shot - Mistaken for Rabbit."

He said, "I love you terribly." She said, "You certainly do."

Paying alimony is like having the TV set on after you've fallen asleep.

My wife used to be a guitar player. She got rid of the guitar and now just picks on me.

The first part of our marriage was very happy. But then on the way back from the ceremony . . .

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today a five-year-old does it.

I've got a sixteen year old son who is 6'3" until he gets a haircut. Then he's 5'8".

I have a great house. It's just twenty minutes from the city - by phone.

Statistics show that every four seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

It was so crowded at Macy's, I rested my elbow on the counter and somebody sold it for $1.98.

I will never forget my school days. I was teacher's pet. She couldn't afford a dog.

There's nothing wrong with my wife that a miracle won't cure.

I just bought a little Italian car. It's called a Mafia. There's a hood under the hood.

Just found a labor-saving device - a rich old lady.

In my house I don't need any long-playing records, not with my wife around.

Take my wife - please!

Do you know that Jack Benny and I took lessons from the same teacher? Nero.

Have you checked out
this classic audio cd?

Click Here

Back to Humorous Quotes

Visit my other sites... www.exwz.com and www.jkjquotes.com


	Web WorkingHumor.com

Humorous Quotes from Henny Youngman's How do you like me so far

Have you checked out this classic audio cd? Click Here

Humorous Quotes from Henny Youngman's
How do you like me so far

Have you checked out
this classic audio cd?

Click Here