Humorous Quotes from Erma Bombeck's
A Marriage made in Heaven...

It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine.

Folding chairs lined the wall, giving the hall the intimacy of a bus station.

The rest of the day was a blur – relatives lining up on opposite sides of the room like two warring tribes.

The impact of television on marriage was awesome. There wasn’t a woman who wasn’t threatened by it. Meals were planned around it. Social life revolved around its schedules. Sex was worked in around the commercial breaks.

The major problem with a bad back is that it’s as common as dirt. Everyone either has one, had one, is going to have one, knew someone who had one, or took someone to lunch who has one.

People who strain their backs are never doing anything to benefit mankind when they do it. It is always triggered by something stupid like lifting a car or the corner of a building or something equally dumb.

In my grade-school health class, our teacher, Miss Riegel, made getting pregnant sound like a piece of cake. You so much as touched the same kernel of popcorn in the movie with a young man and bingo! You were pregnant.

Marriage is like a train that makes intermittent stops at children, new house, new job, new car and cruises, just to keep the trip interesting.

If it looks like a lot of people aren’t going to show up for my funeral, hold it in a phone booth so it’ll look crowded.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.

Old cheerleaders always return (to school reunions). Especially the ones whose bust measurements exceed their IQs by 35.

People who know all the words to the school song always show up (at school reunions). Both of them.

We were a generation born too late to eat goldfish and too early to flash.

The large yellow bus groaned as it turned the corner and loomed like a behemoth. It ground to a stop and swallowed up the small group of children before our eyes.

My mother’s solution to life’s problems was, “Take a laxative.”

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill – “He wants his mother.”

“Bill, you're not listening. I'm forty years old,” I reminded him.
“Forty is nothing,” he gushed.
“If I were a tree in a national park, you could drive a car through me.”

When we started something, I wanted it finished – sometime in my lifespan.

The phone served as an umbilical cord – sever it and they (her teenaged kids) turned pale.

What if those three eating machines we were raising were all we had in common after all these years?

A story in the newspaper said that marriage was going out of style. Well, didn’t that just put the frosting on the cake. After serving nearly a quarter of a century in this institution called marriage, it was now passé. It’s like cleaning an oven the day before it catches fire.

When someone asked me once if I ever though of leaving Bill, I asked, “Where?”

An ego needs daily inflating and constant grooming. Every day, the egotist rolls out of bed and takes his emotional temperature.

I alone am responsible for refining guilt and elevating it to a sacrament. "What kind of a mother am I...

He belonged to a group who traveled in packs, talked openly about their biological clocks, and listed, under “Occupation,” “Finding myself.”

My words fell on pierced ears covered with thirty pounds of hair.

The obsession with youth seemed to have touched everyone but me. There were more cosmetic surgeons listed in the yellow pages than there were plumbers.

Exhausted, I stared into space. I was a woman who had it all, and if I had any more I’d be in intensive care.

I’d lose two pounds in a week, come home, have a glass of water, and be right back up where I was before I left home.

The only concession we had made to automation was a smoke alarm. It told me when our dinner was ready.

Technology has never been singled out as one of the major causes of domestic unrest but it is.

No one would ever convince me the back surgery was not calculated. He did it on purpose. The heaviest thing he could lift was the remote control.

Mother’s doctor approached and sat down beside me. He then spoke the most beautiful word in the English language, “Benign.”

I looked at the waves that had rushed in with such excitement only to fizzle out and withdraw in a cloak of foam. They would try again.

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