Humorous Quotes from
If you want to make God really Laugh, Show Him your Business Plan
By Barry Gibbons
- This book sides with the theory that the way modern business has evolved is one of God’s top three surviving mistakes, along with France and cobras.
- We must remember that God has given every indication he is now playing business for laughs - accepting the fact that nothing much else is going on today that brings a smile to his face (although the MIR space station and Woody Allen’s sex life have provided him with some comic relief).
- This is an issue that has confused everyone in business since business began (with Windows 2500 BC)...
- Getting mad every time your plane is delayed (or about anything completely beyond your control) is a fast track way to requiring bypass surgery.
- What I normally do to ease these tensions (of delayed flights) is travel with a small goat. If things get rough I sacrifice it as an offering to St. Christopher, and this usually does the trick (although you should be warned that the process can make a bit of a mess, and they get a bit annoyed if you do it in the executive lounges in the airports.
- My ingoing position on their theories (please remember, this flame was fanned by the arrogance of youth) was that I could probably eat a couple of cans of Alphabetti-Spaghetti and defecate better ideas on the subject.
- I am not richer than God, but if you adjust for inflation, I am probably more liquid than he was when he was fifty.
- I attended a charity lunch recently and shared a table with one of H. Wayne Huizenga’s right-hand guys...He was a real nice guy...I hope this statement doesn’t get him fired.
- Now it’s time to work out. I slip into my Nike form-fitting shorts and my Air Gibbons sneakers, and lie down on the bedroom floor. I carefully divide all my wife’s credit cards into two piles, balance one pile in each hand, and then raise them to the full extension of my arm. I repeat this five times.
- Responding to a short-term crisis is one thing, but a company that tries to sustain business with employees consistently working more than fifty hours a week is built on a San Andreas fault.
- You need smart and effective people to win battles in the marketplace, not folks who turn up for long periods of time and do stuff...E.g., the French Government.
- Good artists copy, great artists steal. We stole Nordstrom’s legendary one-line operations manual and applied it to both our dress code and flextime: At all times use your own best judgment.
- Keep an airline sick bag handy and read Dunlap’s book (Mean Business, with Bob Andelman - Random House, 1996) or at least get as far as I did, which was almost to the end of page one.
- The only difference between O.J. and (say) Hitler was that Hitler actually left fewer clues.
- I am a champion of the need for constant reinvention and the need to be effective and efficient. It was tough, I know, on the dinosaurs and the dodo, but Darwinism rules, in nature and in business.
- Enlightened capitalism needs a leader’s dream, preferably one that’s rude enough to get the lawyers to stop you from writing it down anywhere.
- I think it was Errol Flynn (if it wasn’t, it should have been) who said: “The trouble with Humphrey Bogart is that, after eleven o’clock at night, he thinks he’s Humphrey Bogart.”
- Never accept the following logic: We’re doing it this way because that’s how we’ve always done it, or We’re not doing it ‘cos we’ve never done it. Have your staff tattoo this (high) on their inner thighs.
- If you haven’t had a crisis for a while, invent one.
- As an athlete you might be thinking about 400-meter hurdles: as a businessperson you are thinking about a double marathon with steeplechase barriers.
- If you are a leader, show your emotional involvement. If you lose your temper, get the decibel level up to that of a Who concert. When you laugh, light up the entire zip code.
- Capitalism is a living, breathing, organism and its main arteries are slowly being clogged by the saturated fats of the Western legal profession.
||Favorite Long Quote/Extract
Tread carefully, gentle reader, as you contemplate your own company relationship strategy. The price of getting this wrong remains high, as the little ant found out when he fell in love with a female elephant. His love was not in vain and they had a glorious night of passion together, but he (the ant) woke next morning to the tragic (and large) sight of his partner lying dead. The little guy was inconsolable, not only for his lost partner but for what lay ahead for him. Through the tears he reached for his shovel, and his words still haunt us all: “I had one night of heaven, and I’ll spend the rest of my life digging a grave.”
- Completely unexplainable success is far preferable to sophisticated reasons for failure.
- Get yourself quickly into a position where you are 80 percent confident you are right, then make the decision. Another two years of research will probably only move your confidence level to 83 percent.
- The ossified decision making of the Vatican has led the way for centuries (remember it was only recently that they ratified the sixteenth-century finding of Copernicus).
- He (Prince Charles) is a dear friend and I know he looks very worthy in his kilt, but I fear there are character flaws. How else do you explain the fact that after every occasion that he has been to our house for luncheon, I have this urge to count the forks?
- I was the happiest CEO in the U.S. when McD’s introduced the McLean. My ingoing position on the subject (which has remained intact) is that seaweed and hamburgers each need their own space. A long way away from each other.
- Regularly jolt (or startle) your customer into recognizing (or remembering) how good you are. A sloth’s orgasm is (roughly) the impact you should seek.
- Apart from Garibaldi (who invented a biscuit), the famous Second World War tank they developed (which retreated faster than it went forward), and Mussolini (who invented four million soldiers by assuming he had five million in his army when he declared war in 1941), the Italians are not noted for a history of innovation.
- I give you the emperor Nero, who many believe is famous only for fiddling while Rome burned, but whose real claim to fame makes that pale by comparison. He was the first guy to purify water by boiling it, an act, I'm sure you’ll agree, of somebody blessed with an innovative, analytical mind. If he were alive today, he would already be working on Windows 2111.
- In business, a permanent state of restlessness is a wonderful disease to have.
- Why can they not seem to share moments of demented male joy? On the rare occasions my soccer team puts the ball in the correct goal (i.e., the opposition’s), I leap about in my seat and make Jim Carrey look like a resigning Japanese finance minister. My wife’s contribution to the proceedings is to try very hard to humor me with a supportive smile.
- To develop an innovative culture, you need to hire some Jack Nicholsons in your team’s mix. (That’s Jack in The Shining.) It’s not always comfortable, but you need some weird minds in there with you – minds that, if they were soup, you’d eat with a long spoon.
- If you have been offered a new job, pause to figure out which of your strengths have been identified in relation to the challenge ahead. Then be sensible enough not to abandon them.
- At the start of the 1990s if you had put a laptop on my desk, I would have thanked you and attempted to get coffee out of it. Now I use one every day.
- When you’ve assembled your war chest for IT training, start with the CEO. Ignore the screams.
- For every minute you spend on the problem, spend five minutes on the future; talk about the past and problems without charts and sophisticated backup, but be as detailed as you need to be and use whatever support material you want to talk about the future and the solution.
- When Nick Leeson (the hero who brought down Baring’s Bank) scuttled form Singapore to Munich in an attempt to escape justice, he became the first fugitive in history to flee toward Germany.
- When I met my wife more than thirty years ago I knew instantly that this was the woman with whom I wished to share the rest of my bed...This line will cost me... but I can't resist it.
- An alliance cannot gave a winner and a loser. If it does, it must be called something else.
- Suggestion boxes cannot replace open communication and sound-sensitive management processes. If you’ve already got the boxes, I suggest you put plants in ‘em.
- We were born with two eyes, two ears, and one mouth. That’s four organs to receive information and one to give it out. That’s a pretty good ratio to work with for a sound-sensitive management process, and (roughly) the opposite of what most executives feel is an effective communication mix.
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