Humorous Quotes from
By P. J. O'Rourke
- The world is going to hell. All we can do is look
good on the trip.
- If you happen to be on a sinking ship with too few
lifeboats, take one and slip quietly away. There's going to be a terrific
fuss among the drowning passengers, and it's rude to deliberately overhear
an argument which is none of your concern.
- Although the Curies were extremely famous, they
were rarely invited out socially. They were too thoughtful. Also, they
- If our behavior were really determined by our
ancestors, we'd all act like amoebas. We'd eat by osmosis and reproduce by
division, meaning we'd smear food all our bodies at dinner and have sex by
throwing ourselves under a train.
- Racism is very lower-class. Upper-class people are
never racists; they're anti-Semites.
- Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying
and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
- Rich children are shipped to boarding schools,
often before they are weaned. It would be unfair to call the atmosphere in
these schools bestial. A child who was kept in the Bronx Zoo for twelve
years would acquire more courtesy and taste.
- It's better to spend money like there's no
tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.
- It's far more instructive to have a drunk parent
right there in the tenement with you than it is to have a drunk parent off
- A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady
and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a
- Never steal anything so small that you'll have to
go to an unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum security federal
- Never transmit a sexual disease in public.
- Women and children should be protected in every
- An important person should be treated like anyone
else holding a gun at your head.
- Fame is a communicable disease. And if you kiss
the ass of someone who's got it, you may catch it yourself.
- The social habits of famous people are like the
sexual practices of porcupines, which urinate on each other to soften the
- Table manners are a test to see whether you're
acting like a beast because you're rudely ignorant or acting like a beast
because you're fashionably amusing.
- You must make your high spirits contagious before
anyone has time for second thoughts. Second thoughts always consist of
calling the police.
- Never have a food fight with school-dining-hall
food. It's too dangerous. Once, a few years ago, at Phillips Exeter Academy,
a student was hit in the face with a piece of dining-hall meatloaf. Some of
it got in his mouth, and he died.
- If you are young and you drink a great deal it
will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn
you into an adult.
- You can acquire a Texas accent by any of the usual
means of getting brain damage.
- Satan probably wouldn't have talked so big if God
had been his wife.
- People shouldn't be treated as objects. They
aren't that valuable.
- Wife swapping is never done in the best circles of
society. Wives can rarely, if ever, be traded for anything useful like a set
of golf clubs.
- Having children is impolite. It imposes on the
peace and quiet of others and leaves you with less time for that key
component of courtesy, being nice to yourself.
- Super Babies are similar to regular babies except
they belong to you.
- Explain the concept of death very carefully to
your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
- The worst part of Christmas is dinner with the
family, when you realize how truly mutated and crippled is the gene stock
from which you sprang.
- These days the honeymoon is rehearsed much more
often than the wedding. It's not necessary to give a dinner every time you
- Q. How should family members be seated at the
A. On their asses.
- There is only one hard-and-fast rule about the
place to have a party: someone else's place.
- Never hit anyone from behind (people should be
kicked from behind).
- If the show wasn't any good, wait outside the
stage door with a gun. This will lift the rock star's spirits by making him
feel as important as John Lennon.
- It's a nice touch, when you're a houseguest, to
make your bed. It's a particularly nice touch to make it a place of delight
for your host's teen-age daughters.
- Your necktie should not be so wide that it looks
as though you can't afford to get soup on your shirt.
- If you run more than twenty miles a week, try not
to die young. It will make people snigger.
- Don't bend over in Turkey. Who knows what they might think it's a polite
invitation to do.
Have you checked out
this super book?
Palez vous Francais? Pour les blagues et poèmes français, visitez notre BLOG
Back to Humorous Quotes
WorkingHumor.com now has a Facebook Page. It's still a baby, hasn't learnt how to dance yet
but maybe you're the one we're waiting for, to get the party started ;o!
Check it out here