Humorous Quotes attributed to Mark Twain
1835-1910, American Humorist, Writer
- Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- (Note to the Young People's Society, Greenpoint Presbyterian Church,
- As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has
always been my rule never to smoke when asleep and never to refrain when awake.
(70th birthday speech)
- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Classic- a book which people praise and don't read.
- Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold
that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.
- Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold
truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.
- Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
- Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
- Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and
how little we think of the other person.
- Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
- I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices.
- (Mark Twain, a Biography)
- If all men were rich, all men would be poor.
- If you can't sleep, try lying on the end of the bed. Then you might drop off.
- In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to
them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.
- It is a solemn thought: dead, the noblest man's meat is inferior to pork.
- It is noble to teach oneself, but still nobler to teach others-and less trouble.
- It is no harm to be an ass, if one is content to bray and not kick.
- I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be
good so that God will not make me one.
- I am no lazier now than I was forty years ago, but that is because I
reached the limit forty years ago. You can't go beyond possibility.
- I am different from Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of
principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won't.
- I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
- ...I am not an expert in horses and do not speak with assurance. I can
always tell which is the front end of a horse, but beyond that my art is not above the ordinary.
- Let us swear while we may, for in Heaven it will not be allowed.
- Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of
eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
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- What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our
Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey. (Eruption)
- Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.
(Mark Twain, a Biography)
- Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.
(Following the Equator)
- Name the greatest of all inventors. Accidents
- Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to
yourself, and never refuse to take a drink- under any circumstances.
- No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.
- Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
- Once I talked to the inmates of an insane asylum in Hartford. I have
talked to idiots a thousand times, but only once to the insane...
- One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat
has only nine lives.
- October 12, the Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would
have been more wonderful to miss it.
- ...the principle of give and take- give one and take ten- the principle of
- The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
- Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
- We write frankly and fearlessly but then we "modify" before we print.
- What a man misses mostly in heaven is company.
- What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The
taxidermist takes only your skin.
- What, Sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be
scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
- When angry count four; when very angry, swear.
- When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Wine is a bad thing. It makes you quarrel with your neighbor, it makes you
shoot at your landlord, it makes you miss him.
- Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.
- You ought never to take anything that don't belong to you- if you cannot carry it off.
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